I found Limbo Land

[AnotherStander]

How far do we need to grieve? for example should we carry on as if its over, and my W is lost forever, or should i go to a certain point of accepting that W is not mine for now?

The recovery process is different for every person. Your marriage is dead and gone, that's what you need to understand and grieve. It's never, ever coming back. So grieve the loss. Get through it, get past it, get over it. Then pick yourself up and make the changes you need to make to improve yourself and become the spouse only a fool would leave. Don't do it for the M, it's gone. Do it for yourself. Give your W time and space to appreciate your changes, and maybe she will become interested in this new you at some point. If she does, the goal is to start a NEW relationship and marriage with her. She does not want to go back to the old M or the old you! Ever! But she may be interested in a new M with the new you. That's the goal.

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks A.S, thats what i needed to hear - its spot on.

What you have just said has help me make sense of all the things i have learnt over the weeks, that W never wants to go back to marriage we were in because it made her miserable. I never want to go back there, I was not happy either in hindsight.

But also that even though I need to put that M behind me - by getting a life, making myself attractive to wife through being independent and confident, there is a chance that we can meet again, have a new relationship and marriage.

I will keep coming back to this as a goal - thanks again!

[mrtwopointfour]

Just a quick question to anybody that has been in the position I am about to describe.

From all i have read and understand - I am not supposed to tell W that I love her.

But, as I've explained on another thread part of the reason my W gives is that there has been lack of affection and she has been taken for granted. I've done this by using the wrong LLs. But I feel also this included me never telling W that I loved her enough, or how much I loved her. Of course I have been through the telling her this over and over in the first weeks. But since I have backed off, have not said it again.

How do I handle this - she knows that I love her, I have told her now many times. Do I leave it at that - or is part of my 180s, doing the opposite of what i did, telling her I love her. Surely this 180 would actually push her away more, but at the same time I don't want her to think I only told her so many times in the first few weeks because I was desperate and now I have gone back to old ways.

[Shiss]

Hi 2.4 I understand your situation, this is only day 7 for me since H left, but day 2 of DR. I have decided not to express H "I love you's" since he already knows. I don't want it to appear that I'm kissing his rear and telling him what he wants to hear so he comes home. I'm GALing the best I can and focusing on ME even though like you, the emotions are still raw as heck. I would like to know what the vets on here think about this. I read your thread last night and I know where you're coming from, my heart breaks for you. I will continue to follow and pray for you.

[someguy1233]

Now isn't the time to be telling her you love her or saying "I love you." This could be seen as pressure right now. Work on your other 180s.

[Verum]

2by4, Of course you'd rather be in a better situation, but I read your first post and see a lot of hope for you. Your case seems similiar to mine. Three months ago, I thought my wife would walk out on me. We are still living together, and on the surface we are treating each other better than we have in a long time. Like your W, mine still says she is "missing that loving feeling for me" etc. I'm optimistic (yes I still have down days) that our relationship will turn around.

One piece of advice I received from the DB coach is to fill her love tank by speaking her love language. I think being that you're living together you also have the same opportunity. What's your W's love language? words of appreciation, touch, acts of service, gifts, or quality time? Identify it, and work on it.

[mrtwopointfour]

Now isn't the time to be telling her you love her or saying "I love you." This could be seen as pressure right now. Work on your other 180s.

Sometimes even though you know the answer - you just need somebody to keep telling you!! i guess that why this place is helpful - it keeps you on track when you question yourself.

[Bel123]

Hello 2.4.. Our stiches are very similar as the W is half out the door but still living together. Like you I have not been there emotionally for W and did not appreciate her as much as she wanted. It is great you owned 50% of the problem in the M. Since one of my problem has been not telling M that I loved her, when the BD came around, I was trying to show her and tell her that all the time. Sometimes she would say it and other time I could see it made her feel uncomfortable. Later on during MC I found out she felt pressure when I said it and when I asked for a hug and all of the things you would do in a normal M. I didn't know all of this until I came to this place and saw how common it is in a WAW and how a LBS reacts to the news.
Now, (not that I am any closure to where I want to be) I know best thing I can do is give her space and don't pressure her. Don't talk about R unless she brings it up. Be kind but don't be push over. I think it has worked to the point of us being able to talk without fighting. If in the long run that will solve the M issue I don't know but at least I'll be a better man than I started out.

Good luck DBing, continue to progress and keep your head up!

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi bel123

Will certainly take a look at you sitch later tonight - at gym at the moment!

Sounds very similar to mine so will be good to see your progress etc.

I just got home to wife that was a little off with me, she then apologised which is a first! (Well for a long time!)

Thanks for taking the time to post - and keep up the good work!

[SemperFi00]

Mr2.4, thanks for sharing your situation. Sounds like you you have come a long way in a very short time - much shorter than what it has taken so congratulations on that part and keep up the good work.

Many similarities in our situations so I appreciate your posts and can relate to your sitch. Agree with others here that unfortunately hugs, ILY, etc... will only be viewed as pressure or manipulative for now - learned that the hard way!

Keep up the good work.