Although its been a tough weekend, I have been pleased with a couple of things. And also had signs that my changes are being recognised. I have however lost count the amount of times i have been reminded about us S or D by W, just through little passing comments. I've to related though but either confirmed or acknowledged her comments. Is that the right thing to do?
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
First to answer your question about moderation my guess is that Virginia must approve you coming off of that status. She more than likly only works M-F on Colorado time. So when the moderators ask for you to come off - then she will approve it.
As far as detachment goes, think of it like an onion. There are always more layers to peel back. You almost never get to full detachment as it takes a lot of TIME. It is a learned behavior and you must move forward but that does not mean move on.
I am finally off moderation so able to post which feels great. Thanks all for everything up to now. Not sure if its worth starting fresh again as i feel like this thread has become a little confused over the week?
I will now start to work through questions asked and try and get myself on track again with saving this marriage of mine!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
First to answer your question about moderation my guess is that Virginia must approve you coming off of that status. She more than likly only works M-F on Colorado time. So when the moderators ask for you to come off - then she will approve it.
As far as detachment goes, think of it like an onion. There are always more layers to peel back. You almost never get to full detachment as it takes a lot of TIME. It is a learned behavior and you must move forward but that does not mean move on.
Keep posting!
Hi Cadet
i am off moderation now (sorry with the excitement I posted below, and never saw your post!). This is great, feel like i can talk to people now.
I like the way you talk about detachment, so its not basically waking up and detaching. I do feel like the layers are coming off, but of course, sometimes there are steps backwards. Its not easy with W in same house, but I know this can work to my advantage as we are communicating.
Just venting now - but I just wish she didn't look so good at the moment, as its torture seeing her every day, I know the getting slim and dressing well, all the extra effort is part of a possible MLC, but it does feel like an extra kick in the teeth. I'm sorry that sounds like I am being mean about how she looked before, thats not the case at all!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Get comfortable and ask every single question you need to. If something doesn't work, switch it up a bit. I sense you are avoiding any talk about single parenting and separation with W...understandable, no one wants to have these conversations. My suggestion to you is to say "That's a great idea, we both want to spend as much time with children as we can, what do you suggest in the terms of activities and going out?" Let her take the lead. If you are totally out of sync, just validate her responses (I understand...the kids are great to spend time with...yes the children need a mother and father in their lives...whatever) and say that she has given you a lot to think about and continue convo another time. Sometimes, it's best to shut up and wait a bit until you can be sure you can open your mouth without blowing it completely.
Okay....time to start living for you. GAL...now. What are you doing? I want you to post a list. As I said, physical activity is good, you will find many of us exercise to deal with all the stress and emotion. Everything gets a bit clearer, at least for a while. I am running a half marathon...I don't run.
If your wife looks great...tell her. "Say, "you look great today..." But leave it at that and go on. Don't do it often, stop the puppy dog eyes (lmao) and say it with a smile on your face...practice if you have to.
Detachment definitely is a layer thing and you will feel like you are doing great then BAM Emeril, you think you haven't detached at all. That's because you did, but not necessarily from this particular aspect, behaviour or situation. Detachment is like layers and everyone's frickin' onion is a different size.
Here are some quick answers. At work at the moment, but the excitement of being able to post means I want to get going!
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I sense you are avoiding any talk about single parenting and separation with W
Yes you are correct. I want to talk about it, but by doing so feel like I am just giving her the 'green light'.
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GAL...now. What are you doing? I want you to post a list
Going to the Gym
Meeting friends for drinks
Looking into new hobbies and taking up old ones
Taking pride in my appearance. Taking chances with appearance that I never had confidence to do before
Going off by myself to coffee shops to read
Taking kids out by myself
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If your wife looks great...tell her. "Say, "you look great today..." But leave it at that and go on
I've tried this. And I just get a 'I don't want to hear it' I think its because I never really said it before, and now for W its too late and possibly sounds false. I will continue once or twice a week max though.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I've tried this. And I just get a 'I don't want to hear it' I think its because I never really said it before, and now for W its too late and possibly sounds false. I will continue once or twice a week max though.
Okay, try "Is that new?" and if it is, no matter the answer, say "It looks great" Seriously, you may have to practice this...not kidding. Eye contact or a very light shoulder touch with sincerity. But you have to actually think it looks great other wise we smell BS. If this didn't work before, only try once in the week or whatever and watch for reaction.
Nice GAL list!! I love reading in the coffee shop :)))
It's not a green light, but you don't have to bring it up ever. You can say "I know we want to spend as much time with kids as possible, what do you suggest we do ?"
Maybe I misunderstood and she wants to talk about future parenting and not right now parenting? If that is the case, you can say "We are excellent parents and love our kids, I am sure we can continue being excellent parents"
Okay, try "Is that new?" and if it is, no matter the answer, say "It looks great" Seriously, you may have to practice this...not kidding. Eye contact or a very light shoulder touch with sincerity. But you have to actually think it looks great other wise we smell BS. If this didn't work before, only try once in the week or whatever and watch for reaction.
Ok will give that a go - I have always thoughts she looked nice, but always had more things on my mind than saying so - i guess W is just bitter and annoyed that i have the cheek to say this now. A touch on the shoulder may be a step to far, any physical contact tends to repulse her at the moment. I can not work out whether this is because she has feelings for OM and thinks of herself as cheating him if she touches me, or whether a touch from me may make her have feelings and she wants to avoid that at all costs.
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Nice GAL list!! I love reading in the coffee shop :)))
Thanks. Its actually not been too hard. Its just stuff I wanted to do, but put kids, W and life at home with them before mine. Coffee shops are good, but I think I will get a cover sleeve for DR as I've had a few nosey people trying to read the cover!
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Maybe I misunderstood and she wants to talk about future parenting and not right now parenting? If that is the case, you can say "We are excellent parents and love our kids, I am sure we can continue being excellent parents"
I am not sure myself. She is quite vague. For instance W has said we have to get used to looking after kids on our own. But you could also read this as, if we are to have more of a life for ourselves, we will not always be here together to deal with kids. W has suggested we have a short trip away soon, which I have to be honest is a huge step from a few weeks back when any attempt at arranging this was met with, 'I'm not sure about that'. So I am going to take that as a positive, even if just as W relaxing and feeling less pressure than a change of heart.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Ok, spoke too soon. It's been a avalanche of comments on being separated, single parents etc. maybe the problem is I have relaxed a little because of not hearing it and have pushed W further away. Def time to pull back. So hard when living in same house with kids. I want to be with kids but so does W and at moment W seems to want to do own thing with them. Need to get some more focused goals I think to stop drifting.
2.4, since you're living together in the same house, I think there is hope. In my case, I think though DB-ing I was able to go from immiment threat of her walking out, to a limbo where we are together but she is not any more committed to our relationship. But being together allows me to try the 5LL each week and hopefully improve our relationship.
So just keep giving your W space, don't pursue, you end conversations first, act busy at home or distracted, leave the room first, etc.
For me, at first some of the things I did was acting based on me trying to detach. Now, I realize some of these behaviors are now natural. For example, last night I was on the couch reading a book, my wife sat down and wanted something, and in a non-rude way told her let me finish this page, before I reacted to her. In the past, I would have dropped the book immediately. I think these seemingly little actions/behaviors add up to get the message that my life is no longer dependent on her. It also gets her thinking about why I seem so content.
