Running out of steam

[Mach1]

At the end of the day its something she has flagged, but its also something i know is a fault of mine which i wish to improve on for myself. If i do end up with somebody else at the end of this rather than W, i need to make sure I tackle these issues now, so I don't end up in the same place in another 15 years!

Does that make sense at all?

2.4


Just to touch on this a little here....

You came from the factory, pre-built with an indicator that lets you know what to work on, and what you are comfortable with...

It is a little device that causes the back of your neck to burn, or sting when you read something, or someone says something to you. It causes you to go into "defense" mode, and react out of emotion instead of rational actions....




So if she says something, or someone here says something that "stings" a bit...

You might want to take a look at it....

[mrtwopointfour]

At the end of the day its something she has flagged, but its also something i know is a fault of mine which i wish to improve on for myself. If i do end up with somebody else at the end of this rather than W, i need to make sure I tackle these issues now, so I don't end up in the same place in another 15 years!

Does that make sense at all?

2.4


Just to touch on this a little here....

You came from the factory, pre-built with an indicator that lets you know what to work on, and what you are comfortable with...

It is a little device that causes the back of your neck to burn, or sting when you read something, or someone says something to you. It causes you to go into "defense" mode, and react out of emotion instead of rational actions....




So if she says something, or someone here says something that "stings" a bit...

You might want to take a look at it....

Ok, I think i understand. So if these things I hear make me react defensively, or emotionally, its possible something i need to think more about as it could be that my reaction is because deep down I know its something i need to address? Where as if i just feel neutral about it, its not something i feel strongly about?

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks Spartan for catching up on my posts.

One thing on 5LL, it's a great book and I would recommend everybody read it.

Just finished reading it last night, and it shocked me. I realised my actions of showing love were Acts of Service, Quality Time (but more in the sense of spending time together), and Physical Touch (in a sexual sense). But I think my W are probably, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time (as in listening and remembering), and Physical Touch (the more loving, affectionate ones). How wrong could I have got this! Problem is I am confused as to how this can help me now our R is in this state.

[mrtwopointfour]

One other thing with these e-mails/ messages, are you responding right away?

Yes they are to me. Problem is sometimes I have to respond quick as they are work related. When they are personal I am trying to hold off for a decent amount of time, but sometimes she will text again to prompt me, which makes me feel like I am being rude.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi All, just a question to those that have been and done this.

When do you know if you have detached?

I don't at the moment know if I have naturally started to detach or am in denial. I feel less worried about what W is up to and who she is talking to (maybe as she is at home). I feel quite at ease around W, and some of the changes I have made are starting to come as second nature. I don't for any minute believe that this is how its going to be, but feel a little uneasy that I am at this point this quickly. W is taking kids for w/e to give me a rest. Atmosphere seems more friend based. W more settled, and possibly cake eating, but no mention of D for while. Sure that change over next day or so.

Why do we feel uneasy when things feel better? I think its because I am worried I am going to let my guard down.

[Cadet]

I realised my actions of showing love were Acts of Service, Quality Time (but more in the sense of spending time together), and Physical Touch (in a sexual sense).
But I think my W are probably, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time (as in listening and remembering), and Physical Touch (the more loving, affectionate ones).
How wrong could I have got this!
Problem is I am confused as to how this can help me now our R is in this state.

It is not unusual for us to have a different LL than our spouse.
We think we are speaking our LL and they dont hear it.
Men are natural sexual pursurers and emotional distancers.

So one of your 180's has to be to stop pursuit.
That is where detachment comes in.
Unfortunately sometimes the sound of our voice can be thought of as pursuit. So it make words of affirmation a tough one. There may come a time and a place to show your love.
Do it with actions not words.
Keep remembering that your changes are for you, not to win her back.

Also I believe that some people speak one language but hear a different one.
So keep that in mind.
Once you read DR that will help too.

[mrtwopointfour]

Well I am well into DR now, wish I had a pause button on life to read it ll in one go, but managing well in bits. I have to say considering its best not to let W know about the book - the front cover could not be any louder!

One thing DR is making me realise, is how long I may have to stick to this. I knew it would not be quick, and with our current situation neither of us can go anywhere quickly. But I must admit I have had thoughts about switching of my emotions and moving on. It only when I think about life without W that I can't let myself do it.

Think pressure from OM whether it be EA as told or PA affair as assuming, but I am starting to feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle.

[mrtwopointfour]

I am about half way through DR. Think I will need to re-read again. W is being a little cold today so need to pull back more I think. Bought myself some new clothes and was about to show her and she turned around and started reading a book - which was nice!

[mrtwopointfour]

Oh well. It's been two weeks since last comment of D, but w finally made a comment about us needing to deal with kids as single parents. Hurt a little but managed to shrug it off which I guess is a good sign of starting to detach. I did not react but just confirmed that she was correct. Was that the right response?

[mrtwopointfour]

Ok, spoke too soon. It's been a avalanche of comments on being separated, single parents etc. maybe the problem is I have relaxed a little because of not hearing it and have pushed W further away. Def time to pull back. So hard when living in same house with kids. I want to be with kids but so does W and at moment W seems to want to do own thing with them. Need to get some more focused goals I think to stop drifting.

Is this just part of the roller coaster. Why is it when you start to feel like you can cope without W, they manage to make you feel like you need them again?