Running out of steam

[mrtwopointfour]

Thanks very grateful

One thing I started at that time was a journal of this journey

Yes I started this and it does help to vent, and also sometimes find when I write things down it makes me see alternative views of events.

[theUF]

[*]Taken her for granted, herself as a person and what she does for us as a family

Easy trap to fall into.

[*]Made her feel trapped, and untrusted - not entirely convinced on this one, but there are times where i would quiz about where / who she was meeting etc. Or be over protective when out and about.

Might be an effect of the situation now. Several times throughout our R I encouraged my X to get together with friends more often or do some her-activities as I think it's healthy for partners to have SOME seperate activities.Yet around BD she said she was done with me keeping her from her friends. Say what?

Too much quizzing and over protection is not healthy though, and will leave a S feeling untrusted.

[*]My approach to sex was more of a quick stoke and hope, rather than seducing. And when that failed a sulk. Again ashamed.
[/list]

This can be a vicious circle. I read a book which sheds some light on this. I'm pretty sure it was "The Sex-Starved Marriage".

[list]
[*]Panic. Recent event made me panic visibly and wife noticed. Caused confrontation.
[*]Talking too much about R.
[*]Visible reaction when W mentions D
[*]Snooping. W noticed too on occasion.

Why are you snooping? If not for legal reasons I would stop, it causes nothing but anxiety. Either you find nothing, or you find something you don't like which sets you emotions off.

[mrtwopointfour]

Why are you snooping? If not for legal reasons I would stop, it causes nothing but anxiety. Either you find nothing, or you find something you don't like which sets you emotions off.

I don't know. I think because she was going away and I wanted reassurance she was going where I understood she was. Turns out she didn't but now I only think the worst when it could be innocent. it's hard not to assume the worst but maybe she also felt that telling me the truth would cause her to feel judged. I hindsight its better not to know. I guess I just want to know if I am being told the truth and where I stand to be able to make decisions. But I no better off for snooping, I can't ask to find more ( well I could but it would either be denied or make matters worse) so more fool me.

[Cadet]

Are they real and do you agree and understand what she means? Are these your only 180's?

They are real. I think some are what I think W wants. Some are in reaction to her reason for D.

I just want to set something straight here.

You make these changes for YOU.
They are not a tactic to win her back.

The advantage of listening to her to get some clues on what we need to work on, but make no mistake they are just hints to us.

There is really only one thing that may work to get her back and that is to DETACH.
Let her go and start working on YOU.
Any kind of PURSUIT is counterproductive and will only drive her away.

At least you have some posts here now and soon when you post they will appear right away.

[mrtwopointfour]

OK I believe all your posts have now shown up so this will bump you back to the top and we will need to re-read them all.

Sigh moderation here did not work too well.

Hopefully you will get off soon.

Thanks cadet. No bother, I need to repost I will when off mod. I am used to having to repeat myself with my kids so second nature.

[mrtwopointfour]

I just want to set something straight here.

You make these changes for YOU.
They are not a tactic to win her back.

Yes, you make a good point. I am trying hard to differentiate between what I want to do for myself and what I think I am doing for her.

I am still waiting for the book to arrive, but what I am trying to work out is - if I make a change because I realised that I was doing something in our R which I now see as obvious and regret - for instance, not listening to W, or at least not properly. Is this change for me or her, because in a way it crosses over.

At the end of the day its something she has flagged, but its also something i know is a fault of mine which i wish to improve on for myself. If i do end up with somebody else at the end of this rather than W, i need to make sure I tackle these issues now, so I don't end up in the same place in another 15 years!

Does that make sense at all?

[mrtwopointfour]

How are you for a support network? People you can talk to confidentially (and not report back to your wife).

I have my family, but the more it goes on the more I think they are pushing me to move on, or protect myself etc - they are just concerned for me and the kids. I have a good friend who I speak to, but again his attitude to things is 'don't put up with it, I wouldn't' - means well, but not hugely helpful. And then I have an old friend that is brilliant, his wife is a counselor so he knows a bit about this stuff, he has been married way before we did, and is very grounded. problem is I feel like I am always talking at him, so trying not to lean on him too much.

[mrtwopointfour]

Is there a point where you feel in limbo?

Where last week W was happy and we got on very well, (before her w/e away). I feel now that we are more distant, but nothing has been done to cause that. We just see each other, chat a few words, get on fine - but not really communicating in a way that I can have the chance to listen etc.

I just feel like we are slowly drifting along but apart. The temptation to talk or do something to get attention is killing me but I know it's the wrong thing to do.

Is this a normal stage?

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi All - Just venting here I think.

I think I am finding that because I have stopped doing or improved on the things I was doing wrong before, that W is now finding fault in anything small to pick me up on. Almost as if she is trying to find reason to be irritated with me. Also seems to be making more effort to try and find ways of letting me fail. Is it because she does not believe its real, and therefore testing?

A friend of mine said that if she is having a PA, she would come back very happy and suddenly after a few days have a drop in emotions and become moody and irritable. I am seeing a little of that, but still signs of being pleasant. Her mood has certainly become more low over the last few days, but not so much a sudden change, quite gradual. I am reading to much into things again aren't I !!!!

I think maybe i need to have some time out of the house as we are on top of each other a bit at the moment.

[Spartan]

Glad to see you able to post. A lot of stuff to catch up on so will work from most recent. I'll try and touch on your responses to my original post later today.

Cadet's most recent post is VERY important to understand. It's also a very hard one to understand early in a sitch.

if I make a change because I realized that I was doing something in our R which I now see as obvious and regret - for instance, not listening to W, or at least not properly. Is this change for me or her, because in a way it crosses over.

At the end of the day its something she has flagged, but its also something i know is a fault of mine which i wish to improve on for myself.

You answered your own question. Through this process it doesn't matter how you figure out your issues, if it's something you want to change then it's for you. Many of the changes you'll realize may benefit your R with W and some may not. The important thing to remember is you're making the changes to become the person you want to be, irregardless of anything else. This is what you own.

I have my family, but the more it goes on the more I think they are pushing me to move on, or protect myself etc - they are just concerned for me and the kids. I have a good friend who I speak to, but again his attitude to things is 'don't put up with it, I wouldn't' - means well, but not hugely helpful. And then I have an old friend that is brilliant, his wife is a counselor so he knows a bit about this stuff, he has been married way before we did, and is very grounded. problem is I feel like I am always talking at him, so trying not to lean on him too much.

In my sitch I've had to stop talking with my family and old friends because they don't understand DB at all or why we stand. They see us hurting and want it to stop. You can let them know what you're doing and make sure to put up a boundary if they aren't supporting what you're doing. This process isn't easy and friends trying to help by telling you what you're doing is crazy doesn't make it easier.

One thing on 5LL, it's a great book and I would recommend everybody read it. With that the first time I read it I didn't get as much out of it as I did the second time. The first time I felt like a POS because I didn't know any of this stuff and felt like I blew it in my M. Later a friend told me they felt the same way the first time they read it and recommended I read it again. Second time, when I was a little further along, I saw it as the helpful tool that it is and have put it to better use. I know a few others felt this way also so just letting you know, don't be too hard on yourself and take what you can from it now.

W is sending a lot of emails and messages with a kiss at the end. Am I reading too much into this

I assume you mean to you. I wouldn't read anything into it. Only thing that comes from trying to read into it is raised expectations and that is something you want to stay away from. The roller coaster ride down in DBing isn't like at your amusement park, it $ucks!

One other thing with these e-mails/ messages, are you responding right away? I would consider waiting on some and maybe even not responding to a couple if you used to always respond. Be a little mysterious. She isn't the center of your universe (anymore). Make sense?