It's good to be here

[Mileus]

I hope you all don't mind my daily posting, but if I don't write it down, it grows in my head. Silence is a terrible thing when you're feeling alone. To those of you who read the forums, even if you aren't comfortable yet telling us your story, find someone to tell. That has helped me most of all. (Not that I'm an expert after such a short time, but I think I'm right.)

And now, a quote from Pooh. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

I've decided to have a good day today. Yes, I miss my ex, but for 14 years (almost) I had the life I always wanted, a job I love, a home, 3 beautiful children, and a wife I love more than my heart could hold. Some people never get that. I won't let a few poor decisions ruin the last 14 years of happiness.

After Monday's disaster with the paperwork, I haven't spoken to her. I've been dying to come up with some reason "for the kids", but that was crap. I just wanted to hear her or see a text. So, I didn't. I went for several walks, talked to my kids, and played a computer game. I even managed to focus on grading papers for a bit.

I slept all the way through the night last night, no trouble falling asleep either. That was the first time since she left. I still woke up before my alarm, but by only a few minutes and I've always done that.

Today, I will remain incognito. I will enjoy my students and after work, I will be going out with some other teachers for awhile. I finally passed the 30 pounds lost mark and I can't wait to see what I look like in another couple of months. I will help my son with his homework and enjoy the company of my kids. Today, I am celebrating the little changes in my life that are making me a better person.

To my ex, who will never see this, I miss you. The house is different with you gone. It's too soon to say if it's worse, it's just different, more quiet. But each day, I feel a little bit better and a little more hope. I worry for you, everything I've read about affair relationships says that this will end within a year. I don't know who I'll be in a year, I'm in the process of finding myself again. That guy I was when we met was awesome. I hope you find yourself as well. I hope you find happiness. I even think I mean that this time. I hope you decide to come back before I get to a point in my life where I would have to say no. Luckily, you still have some time. I will always be a shoulder for you to cry on and someone you can turn to. I hope to be more someday, but I can't make any guarantees. Watching what you've done to the kids, it's clear the woman I fell in love with is on vacation. I hope she finds her way back.

To those of you who keep reading my long rambling posts, thank you for listening.

[labug]

I hope you feel as strong as the post sounds. Good luck to you.

I don't think I've read your thread, I'm going to catch up.

Have a wonderful day.

[labug]

I did comment early on. You've shown such strength and love throughout this.

It seems your W is in a very deep hole right now and can't figure how to get out. For her sake, I hope she does.

[adinva]

Hi - I wanted to tell you there are people who will admire you and love your stepson. You aren't resigning yourself to a future alone. That's what I meant by my post. What you are doing for him says volumes about the man you are.

I think you need to keep working on your empathy toward your W because it will help prevent anger and bitterness. There is still judgment there about what she is doing to her kids. She is probably not waking up thinking how can I neglect my kids today? What can I do to hurt them? She is in pain and confusion, and she is all about her right now. If there is ever going to be a realization of how greatly she messed up and how much harm she did, it is not going to come from you. Try to drop the judgment and stop looking at her choices, and deal with the kids with what IS rather than WHY it is.

If a hurricane took your house you'd be helping the kids through that but not judging the hurricane for its bad choices.

I get through with my kids because an unfortunate act of [God/nature/fate] happened, objectively. We all fell in a hole. Whatever got us into it, that's in my control, I'll fix while I help my kids and I climb back out of the hole.

I still judge and throw slings at my H here, all the time, but I can see it better in your sitch and I'll try to shift my own focus now.

[Mileus]

Thank you both. I don't know that I'm feeling quite as strong as the post sounds, but I do feel better each day. Of course, things pop up that remind me and I still have trouble focusing on work. Physical stuff is easy and distracting, using my brain keeps getting me into trouble with my thoughts. I just keep using the Stop Signs.

I am working on not judging her. Intellectually it's easy. Emotionally, she hurt me and my children, so it takes time. I know she loves her children. It's the reason she came back when I first found out. She just wasn't ready to give him up. It is hard to remember that she's going through some turmoil also, especially when she seems so sure of everything. I know she isn't and I just need to keep telling myself that.

I will also try to work on not judging. Good luck to you on that as well.

PS. I'd be a little mad at the hurricane. At least for a few days, but that's a phase of grief you have to work through to get to acceptance.

[adinva]

Yeah but you would know all along how pointless it is to be mad at a hurricane.

[Mileus]

That is a good point. And, I know I'll be happier once I let judgement go and forgive. For now, I just keep trying to do that again each day. Hopefully, it will become easier.

Having it pointed out helps. I hadn't realized I was being as judgmental as I was until you said something and I looked back through my posts.

[Tallula]

I think I love you Mileus.

Just read about your sitch. I agree with this^^^^^!!!!!!!

[Mileus]

Thank you. I keep finding my self esteem falling and I have to remind myself that while there were problems in my relationship, I didn't deserve this and I am worthy of being loved. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm walking for an hour or two each day, usually 2-3 short walks, and I find that really clears my head.

Yesterday, she came down to see the kids. I was working on having my "good" day and was finally having a good time at school again. (The students are perceptive and I've had many ask over the last few weeks if I was OK. I lie and say that everything is fine, but I haven't been in as good a mood and they've noticed. Also, I took a few days off to be with the kids when she first left and I've had to miss for lawyers appointments. Still, it's good to know they care. 25 teenagers in a room can get crazy, so it's nice to know I've connected.) Anyway, I was nervous about her coming. I'm trying to LRT and I keep seeing her every two days. It's usually only for a few minutes, but it makes it hard to detach.

Luckily she wasn't home yet when I got off work, so I went out to meet some friends and let her visit the kids on her own. She texted while she was there because one son was asleep, my daughter was at the doctor, and my autistic son was having a grumpy day and just wanted to be alone (not because of her, he just has those sometime). I would have told her all that before she came if she'd given more than an hours notice. She asked if I could come home to go over the papers, so I did. Then after a few minutes, she didn't want to go over them anymore. I was quite perturbed that I drove home for that, but I said I understood and we could finish another time.

I tried to help her move a few things to her car, but she said she didn't feel good and wanted to leave. She said she wanted to still be friends, I said she could call anytime. She won't, he checks her phone. But, I'm trying to leave the road home paved. Anyway, I'm trying not to worry about things I can't control, though I really wish she'd sign the paperwork. It's something we should have done years ago, just in case. I would probably be able to get custody if anything did happen to her, but why take a chance. The visit wasn't so bad and I find I'm not apprehensive about her coming Friday, we'll see how I feel tomorrow. It's hard to be pleasant and friendly when I just want to put my arms around her and whisper, "Come home."

Today's Plan: Reread parts of DB book. Reread Sandi2's List. Walk a lot. Watch Psych from last night. Hang out with kids.

Have a great day everyone. And as always, thank you to everyone for your support.

[Mileus]

Ok, so the last 3 days.

Thursday = no contact.

Friday = She was supposed to come down to see my son. She cancelled. We texted back and forth. It didn't go well. I realized it was getting bad, so I stopped and wished her well. I also apologized for my tone.

She called later that night and we talked for about 10 minutes. Basically, I told her it was too difficult to try to be friends with her. The door was always open for her to come and see the kids. If there was an emergency, she could call me anytime, but that was all I could offer her. If she was choosing to leave, then I needed time to heal without talking every other day. All in all, it went well. She kept trying to get angry at me and I just kept saying that I understood how she felt and let her talk. I got blamed for a lot of things that never actually happened, but I listened and I think it went well.

Saturday -- She came down. She was late again so the two oldest were gone already. My youngest didn't want to talk much. So we talked for a bit and I helped her carry stuff to her car. She was angry that I packed her stuff (She has been a bit of a hoarder since her mom's death and has ALOT of stuff.) It was about 20 boxes just from our room and bathroom and she's already made 3 trips. But, I told her that we needed the space because our daughter had moved back in and is pregnant. I was very careful with everything and it had been over 3 weeks since she left.

I'm not trying to hurry her out, but she is clearly gone and seeing her things everywhere isn't helping me any. I know that this is going to take months and that I need to move forward while I wait. So, I packed.

I'm in a weird spot now. I feel better, though I wish she'd come home. However, I know I couldn't take her back now without a lot of changes and she clearly isn't going to do that now. I worry that there is no hope for us, but I feel like there's hope for me. I'm trying to remember not to be angry and to be empathetic. Since Friday, that's been working.

Anyway, I still need to work on detaching. Luckily, my sister's getting married on a cruise this week. So, my youngest and I will be gone until Friday. I'm looking forward to that and being away for 5 days should give me some space. I hope you all have a great week. I know I will.