B, I dont think that your dad, the forum and al-anon are saying such different things. I think in at least one way, we are all saying the same thing. Take care of you.
I want to say something to you. There is no way you could have stopped this from happening. I'm sorry but you dont have that kind of power. This is something that he was meant to go through.
Could you have done things differently in your marriage? Of course, we all could have. But I believe we do the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better. Hindsight is 20/20.
The main thing to remember is that you didnt do or not do anything in your marriage with the intent to hurt him or it. That is very important. So, B, forgive yourself. And really believe that this is not your fault. It just isnt.
I know that your instinct is to try not to rock the boat too much legally with your h. I think you might feel that you dont want to get him too angry. I get that.
Here's the thing. Your h is in crisis. And as he is in one, it is your responsibility to look after yourself and your children. That comes first.
I wish that I did things differently in that regard. It cost me so very much.
I know you are worried about your children. Is this going to be hard on them? Absolutely. But, they will get through it. You know how? You. If you are ok, then they will be, too. They are looking to you. You are their touchstone. And you want to show them someone with strength and courage.
Hi - what beingme was saying was all true - it is worth remembering that people in MLC behave like narcissists. I am not sure whether they are essentially narcissistic or whether it is a response to the stress they are under. The therapist I saw thinks they are borderline . . .
As to whether they are a figment of our imagination - hmmm actually I don't think they are, but I am not sure they were always what they were appearing or being to us. These people are, I now realised, very masked.
I think the narcissism is why they walk away so easily - some say they already left the marriage a long time before. Not so sure about that. They were unhappy and blamed us and thus found is 'easy' to leave, but honestly, I think my sh was married to me until he wasn't. I can pinpoint a three month period in which his whole personality changed and I noticed it immediately
That pattern you describe about the three month period where his personality changed applies to my H as well. It was like he became another person. Someone I didn't know and sure as heck didn't like. My sixth sense was going off like gangbusters and I didn't know what to do about it.
I see lots of narcassistic behavior with my H as well. Now whether he is truly narcasstic or if it's crisis remains to be seen
Good stuff on these boards!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I can go back to the day that I first thought W was not acting like herself. I almost mentioned it to a buddy of mine when I saw him the next day. Doing something completely opposite her normal personality.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Same here, I saw all this building of her issues, then bam! Like a light switch was flipped, then BD one month later.
I imagine the pressure builds and builds, then their minds just switch into a different self-protection mode to avoid (oh yes, lots of avoidance) self-destruct/meltdown...well, it's a working theory anyway.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You guys made my day with all your help and support. Reminding me that I did not cause this is something I cant hear enough.
My H is also so high functioning that its easy to forget he has issues. Also all his accusations do contain some truths. I just need to keep repeating I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it.
I guess what confuses me is part of the DB program is to make the WAS feel safe enough to come home and let them know you are their friend and they can confide in you. For me that feels inconsistant with standing my ground. I dont want to be the trouble maker so to speak. Its hard to fight with the person I so desperately want to love me... I guess I just need to get over that desperation, I am sure he can smell it a mile away.
Most days I am okay with my girls having parents that are divorced, I know that they will be okay because I will show them how but some days the thought of them coming from a broken home is overwhelming. Like when D4 friend says "Why does D4 have 2 houses" - ugh! i hate that.
thank you all. Big hugs right back to you guys
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
B, I dont really think that db is necessarily saying to be their friend and someone they can confide in.
Just my opinion. I think by showing them someone who has made the changes permanent, someone strong, loving and compassionate is the way to make the passage home safe.
But in no way should you not do what you need to do legally to protect yourself and your kids. Because if your h comes out of this, he will see that you did what you had to to protect your family.
Here's the thing. If some of the things he mentioned to you have some truth to them and you agree they need changing, those are the changes you need to make. For you.
You need to live your life as if he was not coming back. That doesnt mean to be mean spirited or angry or resentful . It means becoming the person you want to be. And that should include strength, dignity and conviction.
Strive to be that person everyday because if he comes out of this, that's who he needs to see. That is someone who will make it safe.
Thks urworthy. Absolutely I need to show that my changes are for real and that I am loving and compassionate. Here's what confuses me he wants to act like this is a honor doory sitch. He comes over today to pick up kids since I am going to a baby shower and he wants to chat about my friend who is having a baby.
During our sit down talk he suggested I watch sone funny jon Stewart clip, he sends emails trying to make us pals and joking that full moon must be why our daughters were acting crazy.
My father says by playing in to these nicities I am telling him his behavior is okay and acceptable vs being more aloft and not engaged in his friendly chat.
I guess it is the old dance when I pull back he leans in.
It took me months to be calm around him. And then months of faking my calm. Now I am totally calm but really this business of being friends when he is destroying our family is lying and putting on an act.
This man is my cancer. I don't want to chit chat and be friendly neighbors. I don't care of this pushes him away.
He is a jerk who left his children as well
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
