I'll give her the brochure and she can just get back to me if she wants to pursue it. I'd give it about a 10% chance tops. She may just throw it away. However - if she doesn't like it, what's she going to do? D me?
Exactly. At this point, really. What do you have to lose. Or rather, no harm to something that is likely damaged beyond repair, as you suggest.
We all knew you had the stamina, I am pretty impressed I lasted as long as I have, and you are edging me out... A couple months ago I met a lovely little thing and this past month, we've started to "hang out" more and more.
I would not have gone that route until I was completely and utterly done. There is nothing left to rebuild or build from new and my W was / is not someone I would want to be with. She is the woman I married and I would not change the past. Still, I would not marry her twice.
I have no idea where this new R is going. What I DO know is, we are both cautious and open about how we feel about each other and that we will simply enjoy what ever time we are together.
Your life certainly won't be over once you D. I know you know that. It certainly can be different... better... no matter what.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Hey jb, good to hear from you. I forgot about the mission trip. I was just getting a little worried about you, the last time you posted it sounded like you were getting closer to something happening.
Praying for you and your family.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I've been pretty delinquent on updates, so here goes. I will try to keep it at an executive summary level. NTX & OLW - I appreciate you guys following up.
My W and I did get together now about a month ago to discuss the terms of our agreement. As to be expected, there was more opportunity to talk. I started off by asking her how she was doing. She gave the standard answer until I asked her again. Not too surprising, but her life hasn't been going particularly well. At that time, she was starting get knocks on the door to get her out of her apartment. She had been sleeping excessively, obviously very depressed.
I also gave her a brochure during our conversation for a Weekend to Remember marriage conference. She actually looked through it to my surprise. She did say she was surprised I would even consider something like this. I just told her the story behind it, I would look at it as potentially a "hail Mary" or something that would help us to be sure. She said it felt like pressure. I just told her I was not intending on applying any pressure and she can do whatever she wishes with the brochure. From my perspective, I was just sending a message that it would be something I would be willing to try. Her reaction exceeded my expectations. I went in thinking there was a 10% chance she would consider it and left thinking it was more like 20%. The local conference have come and gone and she hasn't mentioned anything about it and neither have I.
During our conversation, I did tell her our two previous conversations were very hard, but in my opinion, very necessary. I admitted to feeling both encouraged and discouraged by those conversations. I was encouraged because we actually talking about some very deep stuff. I wished we had those conversations years ago. They were discouraging because frankly, it's hard to hear that stuff about yourself and how it affected someone else. Also, I've realized she checked out of the M years ago.
Also during our conversation, I did tell her I would be starting over with just about anybody. She has the advantage that she's the only woman who can love my S the way he deserves to be loved. She got emotional about that one. Not that it was the intent - it was just the truth - just laying it out on the table. During that part of the conversation, she also mentioned the OM was big mistake on her part.
After the first part of the conversation, we did cover the details of the D agreement. We already have a template to work from, but since we're talking, we're trying to work the details among ourselves, and the bring the Ls back in. We're pretty close. There were a couple of items she needed to get back to me on.
BTW - I had an amazing mission trip to Belize!! Thanks for asking. Things as a whole are going well from my side of the fence. I'll be chaperoning a 5th and 6th grader conference (Friday night overnight) Still GAL'ing strong. Sometimes probably too much. I've even managed to make more new friends along the way. One thing I'm not doing for sure is sitting at home sulking in misery.
My W's side of the fence appears to be a different story. Since our last conversation, she has been evicted from her apartment. She still doesn't have a job. She's been sick with a nasty cold for about 3 weeks. She recently moved in with her parents.
She also told me last week (our niece was living with her) that about a month ago our niece had met a guy at a bar. Our niece brought this guy home to live with her. TBH, I was pretty ticked about her inability to lay down a healthy boundary because my S is with my W about half the time. Turns out this guy had a bit of a jaded past. Not cool. You do reap what you sow, and that turned out to be the case with my W. When my W moved out of her apartment, there was a lot of conflict because our niece and her boyfriend had to move out, too. They had nowhere to go. Hopefully my W learned an important lesson.
That situation just magnified that my life and my W's life are going completely opposite directions. It's really brought the thoughts to the forefront of what I want out my life and my M. From my perspective, I want to be in a Christ centered M with both parties committed to working on the relationship. I want to share this new life I've built with someone. As it stands right now, I'm not sure my W is a good fit for that.
It had been since our last get-together back on 2/5 that I was waiting on my W to get back to me on a couple open items regarding the D agreement. Obviously, she's been preoccupied with a few things over this last month. However, I wasn't forcing the issue.
Last night she finally followed up and asked what the open items were. She agreed to one of the open items, the other one still needs to be discussed. Unfortunately, it triggered a little anxiety in me. Just when I think I don't care or I'm feeling pretty ambivalent, any tangible movement will trigger some sort of feeling- hope or anxiety. The good news is the anxiety wore off after about 2 hours. I'm back to waiting for the next trigger event now.
You're doing great of course, jb. I'm glad you answered the unspoken question of how your mission trip went. lol. Glad it went well... always such a blessing to be part of such things.
Remember that just like yours, your W's path is neither good nor bad, it is simply her path and the results are of her choosing, even if it is not something you would choose. You never know where her... or your path, may lead.
A couple months ago I met a lovely little thing and this past month, we've started to "hang out" more and more.
about her inability to lay down a healthy boundary because my S is with my W about half the time. Turns out this guy had a bit of a jaded past. Not cool.
