Well, after my Wifes day of "thinking things through" she sent me a email:
Wow, she gave herself one whole day to "think things through"? Good grief. It's only been 2 months since BD so don't read too much into anything she says right now.
Quote:
Unfortunately I had this email on the very day I found out my Dad has a matter of days to live so very upsetting.
Oh no, that's terrible!! My thoughts are with you, hang in there!!
Thank you Another Stander - I'm desperately trying to be strong but it's a hard task at the moment. To think in November I was obliviously happy and a few short months later I am seperated and watching my dad die.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
I am so sorry you have to struggle with this. I am frequently appalled by how life can "pile on"...I am always impressed by the people that come out of it.
I wanted to give you a point of view to consider, hoping that it may help you process your experience.
I was the unfaithful one in my relationship. I'm coming to think of the affair experience as something akin to an addiction.
It is so overpowering, so euphoric that it colors everything you see. You suddenly can't remember how you made it through the world without it...and then it starts to eat everything around you......all your relationships, your job, your finances, everything.
When faced with this, some people see that its the addiction that caused it, some people believe that its is everything else but the addiction.
When you deal with the addict all that can be done is help them understand the consequences of their choices and make sure the road back is paved and open. Its up to them to see the addiction for what it is; you can't force them.
Otherwise all you can do is detach, keep your part of the road clear of debris, and try to keep yourself well.
Believe it or not something very similar happened to me, about a week after BD my dad landed in the hospital and there was some question as to whether he was going to make it or not (he's almost 80, much tougher for him to recover these days). In my dad's case he did recover which I am very thankful for, but I remember that feeling of utter despair and hopelessness when that happened on top of getting the bomb dropped on me. Yet today I am happier than I've been in probably 10+ years. All you can hope for right now is to persevere, just hang on for now. Once you have some strength back then get back to work on GAL. You'll eventually not only survive, but thrive. I know it doesn't ring true to you right now because I remember people telling me the same when I was in the dark and it didn't ring true for me either. I had to drag myself through day by day. It was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I did it for my kids. Put yourself in S8's position, and think about what he needs right now, and be that for him. It does get easier. You will come out of this!
Believe it or not something very similar happened to me, about a week after BD my dad landed in the hospital and there was some question as to whether he was going to make it or not (he's almost 80, much tougher for him to recover these days). In my dad's case he did recover which I am very thankful for, but I remember that feeling of utter despair and hopelessness when that happened on top of getting the bomb dropped on me. Yet today I am happier than I've been in probably 10+ years. All you can hope for right now is to persevere, just hang on for now. Once you have some strength back then get back to work on GAL. You'll eventually not only survive, but thrive. I know it doesn't ring true to you right now because I remember people telling me the same when I was in the dark and it didn't ring true for me either. I had to drag myself through day by day. It was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I did it for my kids. Put yourself in S8's position, and think about what he needs right now, and be that for him. It does get easier. You will come out of this!
Thank you - that's all I'm doing at the moment dragging myself through everyday for the sake if my son - god knows where I'd be without him.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Unfortunately my Dad passed away in the early hours of this morning. The last thing he said to me was how important family is and I should never give up on mine.
In about 2 hours time my wife I are going to tell our son. I'm so emotional I really think DBing is going to go out of the window. The only person I want by my side to help me through this is my Wife but she told me yesterday before he died "I know I've made the right decision because your dad is dying and it's not made me want to come back and it's not made me care about you" such hurtful comments.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Unfortunately my Dad passed away in the early hours of this morning. The last thing he said to me was how important family is and I should never give up on mine.
In about 2 hours time my wife I are going to tell our son. I'm so emotional I really think DBing is going to go out of the window. The only person I want by my side to help me through this is my Wife but she told me yesterday before he died "I know I've made the right decision because your dad is dying and it's not made me want to come back and it's not made me care about you" such hurtful comments.
I am so very sorry, Inact. You will be in my prayers.
That had to be very hurtful thing to hear. I hope that MWD's advise to believe nothing that you hear, applies here. Just take care of yourself. Give yourself time to grieve and if at all possible, just focus on the family and parts of your life that will give you comfort. It seems that your wife will be unable to give you that.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Thank you Tullula - it was indeed the most painful and hurtful thing anybody has ever said to me. I know they say believe 50% of what she does and nothing of what she says - but think this is even stretching this a little too far.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also so sorry that you had to hear your W's hurtful words.
I can empathize with how tremendously difficult this situation is: my parent is terminally ill and is fading. I know what it is like to want the one person you love to give you some love and comfort - and they have none to give. it is like the BD all over again. Sometimes I feel like getting through a day is like moving through a molasses fog.
This may sound trite, but take care of yourself at this time as best you can. Take care of your son. Lean into those quiet, private moments. Go to bed early if you can. Lean on your family who will be grieving alongside you. Bring Kleenex everywhere you go.
