Well, it's my problem if he tries to make it mine. He's said in the past that one of his biggest complaints about me is that I didn't want to do things with him. Of course, I feel this is an exaggeration and rewriting history. It was true, to an extent, during the last year or so we were together. I was so resentful of his D23 living with us and treating me disrespectfully that I withdrew from him and our relationship.
We had usually done a lot together before that period of time. However, during our S, I began to realize that I went along with a lot and didn't express my preferences, just kept trying to be a good companion for him.
We have discussed it some. I do things without him now, mostly with my grandkids and my son and his wife. I don't know, Bug. I guess I would like to say no, I'd rather read a good book than go to some event but after I go, I realize I really enjoyed myself and I'm glad I went.
Maybe I'm just trying to keep from feeling controlled again? It's really confusing for me now.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I get it SS, and I'm concerned that I would be in the same boat as you. I've never known how to "go back." Like when after you learn something hurtful? How do you "unknow" it.
Quote:
One good thing that he told me is that he learned to do things by himself and enjoy them during our time apart. Prior to that, anytime I declined, he felt rejection.
So if you've learned to enjoy activities without him, and he's learned to enjoy activities without you, what is the problem currently? Are you doing *anything* together? Do you *want* to do anything with him, or are you struggling with resentment perhaps?
he tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting do dive 100 miles on a sunday a few weeks ago, to go to a musical event with him. he works in another town during the winter and i've been driving over every week to keep him company (a major complaint he had on BD). i used to stay home.
i had just driven 100 miles on friday to return to our house to get mail, pay bills, run errands, see my grandkids, etc. we had made prior arrangements for me to return on monday morning because he had a meeting with his boss on sunday evening, my normal time for returning.
the boss cancelled on saturday and H had free time so he went to the weekend event on saturday and sunday. he kept telling me how nice it was on saturday and i was pretty sure he wanted me to come back for it on sunday but i didn't take the bait. i didn't want to get up early, drive over two hours with my dog to get to his condo, and then get back in the car and drive the 20 miles to the music festival and walk around for hours.
i had already made other plans. his changed and he wanted me with him so he would have a companion (or as he would say, to share the experience with me).
during our discussion a few days later, it came out that he felt resentment about me not coming. well, i felt resentment about him thinking my plans were not important enough. in the past, he's stated i'm not spontaneous enough and i've complained that he's not courteous enough to give me some advance notice for plans. i'm the one who has to do hair and make up (and outfits) and also the one who gets most of the necessary equipment and/or groceries together.
i think we got through it? but i'm not really sure. i still feel afraid to say no to anything he wants to do. i know he really hasn't "learned to do things by himself" and enjoy himself as he claimed. sigh...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
You know, reading stuff like this makes me want to buy a cabin deep in the woods and become a hermit. Not on your side of things, but your H's.
So if I understand correctly, he is resentful because you didn't do what he wanted you to do? See, I don't get this. This kind of thinking in my mind isn't far off from people that do school shootings. That if a person doesn't get what they want, they can be pixxed. Not because they did anything to warrant getting what they want. Someone/society just "owes" them.
I think mostly it strikes a cord with me because I've been dealing with it forever with my H. My hypothetical exchange with H: H: (walks in, sees me eating) Yum! That looks good! Can I have it? CV: No, it mine. It's 7:00 at night and I haven't eaten a thing since yesterday morning. H: Biotch! You're so freaking selfish!
It's a boundary issue. He doesn't see the line between him and me. He doesn't recognize me as a separate being. And since he wouldn't deny himself, I shouldn't either. It seems like the same thing yours is doing, that he doesn't recognize that you have plans, that your plans are important.
I'm wondering if your H experienced when he was out on his own that the world wasn't going to cater to him like he expects you to? I'm wondering if that's part of why he came back? The fact that you've done that before leads me to believe that you've been pretty catering to him in the past. I don't know how he can be resentful just because you don't cater to him. What is logic/rational for why you should?
this is all so pathetic! it's as if there's really no hope. i read on here so many women who are lamenting the absence of their H's but go on to say what selfish bastards they were (and still are).
and no, bug, he didn't ask and expected me to read the subtle hints and volunteer. as far as the next time, i'm hoping i made an impression on him that i am a separate human with different needs. it's hard for him to see that.
i think my three H's got used to being spoiled. it's really my fault. i wanted to be such a good wife (translate: mother) to all of them that they not only got used to it, they pushed for more. i don't know if it's them taking advantage of our desire to nurture, the way they were raised by their mothers (i'm guilty, too, with my selfish son) to think they are so special, or the "y" chromosome?
i think my H did begin to realize how much he NEEDS me. i was ridiculous when it came to meeting his needs. i would try to anticipate them, even. i am stepping back now and it will be hard for him.
i had to laugh, to myself, of course, this past week. for years, i would fill up his weekly medicine holder with all the pills and supplements he takes each day. he had to do it for himself after BD.
last week, he put the empty holder by the sink in the bathroom and left it there for a couple of days. in the past, i would have jumped on that and filled it up to keep him healthy and to "show" him how much i cared about him.
LOL! not now. after a few days, he finally filled it himself. i can't go back to being mommy.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Totally get it! But you're definitely on the right path. Keep it up! That is one aspect of your R that YOU can change. If you get a chance, read up on over-functioning. Sort of like co-dependence but different. It helped me anyway.
Bug, I get the communication thing, how it's not good to mindread, how both parties need to be clear, etc. But I'm not seeing how that solves anything in this case. Consider: SS's H: "I'd really like you to drive up here and go to the concert with me on Sunday." SS: "Sorry, H, it sounds fun, but I already have plans with x. Besides, I was just up there and I'm tired and don't feel like driving it again right now." SS's H: "Biotch! I'm resentful that you aren't willing to do what I want you to."
So now everything is spelled out in clear, spoken words, but they're exactly where they started. What's the point? I don't believe SS's husband needs to change his communication style, I think he needs to learn to respect her as a human being. And considering her a "slave" human being doesn't count.
CV, if your conversation happened then she knows what he's thinking and can make decisions based on that knowledge. {It would only take someone saying that to me one time and my decision would be made.)
Communication is how we express our needs and it helps others respect us as an individual.
Without having that conversation she's (and we all do it at some point)operating on assumptions.
If he didn't ask her to drive up and became resentful that she didn't, I say that's his issue. If he acts out, then she might say, Are you feeling frustrated because I didn't drive up to be with you? That's a step in opening up the conversation to get their needs out in the open and work toward getting both needs met in some way.
It's not a fast process and would probably take several conversation.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
ss says she anticipated his needs and mothered him.
Does he expect her to be a slave or, is he expecting her to be who she was before? If she's not willing to be that person now, communicating that to him would be in the best interests of the R.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
