My wife said she is going out of town this weekend. I'm panicking here and my mind is running away with all sorts of bad scenarios. I think there is a OM. If there is, I don't know that I could forgive her but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. Help!
You don't know what's going on and you do not have to decide anything right this second.
I used to just spin over every little thing. If I slippped I was convinced that was it, it was over, done, fini.
Hope is a funny thing and I think there are two basic camps:
Nietzche: "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
and
Dickinson: "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all." ~Emily Dickinson
Only you can decide what you believe about it. 10 years ago I would have told you I believed the former. It took the mess that became my life to teach me otherwise.
It doesn't matter which you believe, it's all about dicovering what lies at the heart of you. Who are you .....really?
So, remember, you don't know what you don't know and the scenario stuff will make you crazy.
I do not have to make instant decisions about anything. I know it feels like it is life or death, but in truth the more time you give yourself and her, the better off you are.
And trust me when I tell you, this is all about you.
When your decisions come from a place of peace and calm, you are in the right place. Until then, just hang in there.
I know people say WAWs typically waver in their feelings, but I sure haven't seen any wavering from her.
Most of her "wavering" was probably before she left and moved in with her parents.
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My wife said she is going out of town this weekend. I'm panicking here and my mind is running away with all sorts of bad scenarios. I think there is a OM. If there is, I don't know that I could forgive her but I don't want to give up on our marriage either. Help!
Why do you think she has another man? Have you seen signs that pointed to OM?
Did indicate her plans, or just tell you she's going out of town? If you haven't seen her in five weeks, why would she contact you to tell you about her weekend? Or.....did you ask her out for Valentines?\
I wish men could get over the idea they have to do something simply b/c of commercial pressure. If it was not on the calendar, would you feel worried over the 14th? And now....there's a possibility she's going to see OM. How do you think she'd receive a valentine from the man she wants to D? When I see a LBH giving anything to his WAW on Valentines Day (who has filed for D.....and/or seeing a possible OM) as rather inappropriate, but that's just me.
So, let's get back to the weekend. You said you didn't know if you could forgive her if there is OM. You need to make up your mind about forgiving her or not. B/c if you can't forgive.....then there is no point of being here. If you can't forgive her, then your next step is to sign the D papers and move on with your life.
I'm saying this as a matter of fact, and I apologize if it comes across as sounding cold. But I want to get your attention. Whenever you have a spouse that leaves the M.....SOMEBODY better get ready to do a whole lot of forgiving!! And I learned that it goes both ways, so nobody gets out of the act of forgiveness if you want to reconcile the M.
Why didn't you continue to see the counselor with your W? Has there been infidelity in the past?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And now....there's a possibility she's going to see OM. How do you think she'd receive a valentine from the man she wants to D? When I see a LBH giving anything to his WAW on Valentines Day (who has filed for D.....and/or seeing a possible OM) as rather inappropriate, but that's just me.
Breathe. You don't know what's going on and you do not have to decide anything right this second.
True.
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I used to just spin over every little thing. If I slippped I was convinced that was it, it was over, done, fini.
That's me, also. I'm always really hard on myself.
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Nietzche: "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
I definitely subscribe to that one, but I'm trying to think more like Dickinson.
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So, remember, you don't know what you don't know and the scenario stuff will make you crazy.
So true. It's so hard not to look at her Facebook profile, but I've been good.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Why do you think she has another man? Have you seen signs that pointed to OM?
Yes, the day of the BD, I saw an inappropriate text on her phone. She said it was just joking with an old friend and admitted it was inappropriate. She has repeatedly said there is no one else. She has active profiles on several dating sites now.
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Did indicate her plans, or just tell you she's going out of town? If you haven't seen her in five weeks, why would she contact you to tell you about her weekend? Or.....did you ask her out for Valentines?
We have been trying to get together with her paralegal to discuss the settlement agreement. She cancelled the one that was scheduled for this week. I had texted her to ask if she would endorse the apartment deposit refund check that she said previously I could have so I could cash it. She said no, asked me to handle it through the paralegal, and said I need to get my stuff out of our storage unit within two weeks. Again, this is something I have been willing to do, but she keeps putting it off. I asked her if this weekend would be good and said she was going out of town this weekend.
I don't think I'll even be sending a text this Valentine's Day, but I may need to serve her my response to her petition due to the timelimit. I regret that.
I think I could forgive her if she could apologize for any PA or EA. I don't think she can forgive me for what I did to bring it to this point.
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Why didn't you continue to see the counselor with your W? Has there been infidelity in the past?
I've never seen a counselor with my W. I'm willing, she's not. I've never been physically or emotionally unfaithful with her. Prior to last month, I never even suspected she could entertain the idea herself. I was just emotionally absent and physically withdrawn for much of our marriage.
I think I could forgive her if she could apologize for any PA or EA. I don't think she can forgive me for what I did to bring it to this point.
The thing about forgiveness is that it isn't really for the other person as much as it is for you. At some point you need to be able to forgive her for her flaws and limitations and forgive yourself for the same.
If you never get an apology, what does that mean for you?
I think I could forgive her if she could apologize for any PA or EA. I don't think she can forgive me for what I did to bring it to this point.
The thing about forgiveness is that it isn't really for the other person as much as it is for you. At some point you need to be able to forgive her for her flaws and limitations and forgive yourself for the same.
If you never get an apology, what does that mean for you?
Assuming we don't reconcile, it doesn't mean much. Makes it easier to move on, I guess. If we tried to reconcile, it would make it a lot, lot harder.
She has active profiles on several dating sites now.
Good news is...she may not be in an A where she thinks he's ready to walk down the aisle with her b/c they're so in loooooove. Bad news is....she's looking and making it known she's available.
My suggestion is to make plans to be busy on the 14th and not be available to answer any of her TM or calls. In fact, get out of the house all weekend and find something to do that you haven't done in a long time. Something that has no connection to her (her relatives, her friends, etc.). Do something that will help get your blood flowing and put some life back into your soul.
I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation and feeling so much pain. It is important that you take very good care of yourself....physically, emotionally, spiritually. Whatever you enjoy that gives you inspiration....get it. Keep getting it, b/c you've just lost a parent....and that much alone can throw you into serious depression. Since you already have problems with depression, please do whatever you can do to get better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
