Confused compass?

[JJAC2005]

-AnotherStander- how does one DB when the other party is involved with someone else? or in your example of a year w/o really communicating, then what brings them back to that start point?

[AnotherStander]

-AnotherStander- how does one DB when the other party is involved with someone else? or in your example of a year w/o really communicating, then what brings them back to that start point?

I should have clarified that my buddy doesn't know anything about DB'ing, he's just an old friend I reached out to when I started going through this and it turned out he had been through it (walkaway spouse) too and I didn't even know it. His W left him, moved in with someone else and they barely spoke for a year. They had a business together and only talked in regards to unwinding that. After a year they started chatting, then going out, then having sex. They never did get divorced, and for now they seem content to have a fairly casual relationship. But even though he doesn't know what DB'ing is, he did the DB'ing equivalent of "going dark". He basically left his W alone and didn't attempt to contact her or reach out to her at all. She got tired of her new fling and eventually started remembering that life with my buddy wasn't all bad times. This is referred to around here as the "fog lifting". WAS's tend to rewrite history and remember only the bad things in the M. Sometimes after a length of time passes the "fog" in their mind will lift and they remember the good things in the M and start to miss them. There is nothing the LBS can do to speed the process, it's purely a discovery the WAS has to go through on their own.

[JJAC2005]

Reason I still have hope...it took her 2 years to ask for a separation, it took another 6mo from the asking for the D for the papers to get filed, after filing she still wanted to see each other and continue family stuff and did so until one month after D day.
She harbors a lot of anger and resentment toward what amount to be "emotional affairs" that I was either clueless about or refused to admit.
After she closed the door and said she wanted to move on from the relationship there were a few little signs....or at least in my mind that there were still feelings....but no real communication was taking place as I wanted to give her time and space.
I made a few texts the first month, one phone call (that didn't go well).
I received a very emotional call from S12 mid Nov. and reached out to the W to talk about it, again that didn't go well and she then decided to block and future contact between the children and me.
I left it until a week before Christmas '12, at which time I asked permssion to see the kids for a little bit just to give them a card a small gift and to visit for a bit, and was totally denied. Then she turned around and dropped off a tin of her home made candies and cookies (our family tradition) on Christmas eve after I had gone to work. Then after the first of the year I went over to her place completely unannounced, to ask if there would be any chance of her changing her mind about letting the kids see me, or if we could have a talk over coffee so that I could read her a letter that I written her. At first she was a bit angry with me, but still couldn’t totally conceal a grin here or there from some of my comments, ie. Like when I mentioned that the cookies were really good and thank you. To which she replied that they were for my mother, and I said right, and she grinned know how I felt about many of the treats we use to make. Now when I asked to the possibilities of having coffee to discuss a few things and read the letter, she said “no” and her explanation was that she wasn’t ready yet, and that she just wasn’t strong enough. Then as I was leaving, she was still trying to display that tight lip look, I turned at the door and looked back and said, “hey, don’t you smile now” and she did.
2 days later she wrote me an email and has ok’d my request to meet so that I can read her my letter. I’m thinking that she just wants me to get it over so that there is no longer anything I can request from her. But I since found out that she has lifted the block on our daughters face book so that she could contact me if she felt like it, but I don’t know if she knows yet?
I know she is secretly view my FB updates and has placed a few subliminal comments in the past few emails about meeting up.

Since the original offer to meet...I had a DB consultation and was advised to write my letter instead of doing anything in person...which was just sent last weekend.

That leaves me where I am....just waiting to see if there will be any reply to my effort, and continuing to work on me, my life and DB my ass off!

[JJAC2005]

I just found the thread on "I am a stander"
and found out that I am a STANDER!

[JJAC2005]

ok...per the advice of another
I will try to stick to a single thread.

Ealier I wrote:
OK...a new thread of sorts for me on this area of DB’ing
I have done the work required to get me to the point of:
GAL - Apology/acceptance/moving on letter - Disconnect – and going dark w/a few slips)

Now here is where I am starting to feel the slide (again)…….even though my head/heart wants to so desperately gain information about the W’s thoughts/feelings…I understand I need to leave it alone (plus I’m afraid I will mess things up further)

On another not so different note, I wanted to send out a “friendly” follow up contact to let her know that; 1) I would still like to see the kids if that is ever an option (she has refused any visits or calls since mid Nov.) 2). Give her to option to have her cat or 18 years, that is sick to be buried out in our pet cemetery with all the rest of our pets when it is time for him to go.
I was instructed (DB counselor) to wait it out for a while after my atonement/moving on letter …10-14 days….and I just sent out my last contact “the moving on letter”

Any other opinions/advice for the novice DB’r?
________________________________________________________________________________________

#2320773 - Today at 03:37 PM Re: so hard to go dark [Re: JJAC2005]
Cadet
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 3455 First thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...600#Post2318600

First try to stick to one thread it is less confusing that way.

I think you should absolutely try to see the children, do you really need to contact her for that?
Or could you contact them directly?
The girl is 15, sounds like she should be old enough to decide for herself.

I am assuming that you helped to raise these two children.

Try to keep the contact with the W to a minimum
_________________________



Thank you Cadet.....any and all advice is appreciated!

[JJAC2005]

To answer the above situation on the kids:
Yes, I very much help raised the children....and am very proud that they accepted me with as much love as they did.
They have always chosen to call me "dad" or "D2" and before we filed for D we sat down and told them that they could call, text, or email me whenever they wanted, but they did have to let their mother know that they were contacting me so she wouldn’t get worried about anything.
This came about due to a series of text messages one day, that our daughter had with me about a boy that she had a crush on. She had asked me a few questions on how she could tell if he liked her. What she should do…ect
I actually could not have felt more honored or proud, but I felt that I should give my wife a heads up on the situation in order not to seem like she was excluded…but at the time I went to her I told he to be careful not to wreck that trust D15 was showing me, I also explained that she should feel good that D15 was trusting me and felt that I was a safe and secure person to go to if she needed to talk….and that is a great option to have in a teens life when there is so much going on. Well as you might have guessed, my wife was a bit jealous, a bit angry, and hurt that she wasn’t the one D15 turned to….and honestly I think something had to have been said, because D15 hasn’t really reached out in the same way since….but it could be the age thing as well, who knows?
Now since our BD, a month after we (the wife and I) were still seeing each other until one day she just said that it was no longer going to work and that she didn’t want to work on it any more…and want me to move on with my life….and she was doing the same…..and that she felt that I was a good man, just not good for her. And after that she basically broke off any and all communication except for a few times as mentioned in previous postings……
The boy called me back in mid Nov….basically trying to hold back tears on the phone that he missed me and loved me and that it had been such a long time since we had seen each other that he wanted to know if I was doing alright….he’s a great kid with a huge heart….and even if it had been almost 3 months since he had spoken to me he still called me “dad”….and my heart still aches each time I think about that call.
Since then…it has been W denied me any and all contact with the kids.
Now that brings me to where I am now…just about totally dark.
I sent out a letter as requested by my DB counselor….and I wanted to ask one more time about the kids, to which she suggested that I wait at least anotehr10-14 days till sending another very short, and specific letter as to being open to seeing the kids every now and then, as well as an offer to the W to bury her ailing 18 year old cat with the rest of our past pets out on the farm.

I’m at a loss as to how long you wait to hear anything from the WAS before making any sort of contact ….very confused at this point?
One good day, followed by 2 bad ones…can’t wait till it turns the other way around

[JJAC2005]

tonight we are having a huge snow storm (feet of snow)....the first real slam of the winter....and all I want to do is run over and get the kids in the morning to go sledding and snowshoeing at the Forrest Sled area....followed up by a great lunch out at their choice! (We always loved days like this)
I miss days like this so much I even feel like helping shovel the drive and walkways......BUT I know I cant....I cant do any of it! And I wont do any of it!!!
I cant call write or text the kids...I have to go thru her!
And she wants me to move on...she wants to bury any/all of our good times with anger from anything I have done from any point along our traveled life together.
Going dark...giving her her space....she can go on, move on, see who she wants, date, do what ever she wants, and Im just left to work on me, my life, my goals, and miss everything about a family that I had, and cant access in anyway....and find it hard to understand how I would even stand a chance at getting her to start any sort of communication with me when there really isnt any reason to.

I must confess....I find this all very unsetling that it has any chance of working

[Cadet]

Well she is using the children as a wedge against you.
Personally wild horses could not keep me away from my children.
I see where they are being put in a terrible position to choose between the two of you.
Even though you are their step dad, I would just be the best DAD you could be, however that can work out.
Try to keep out of the middle of their relationship with their MOM.
You are being TESTED for your changes now, lets see if hyou pass the test.

[JJAC2005]

Cadet...
Do you think that I should send out a note to the W and let her know that today would be a great day to see the kids since there is a snow day?

[JJAC2005]

Cadet.....and to anyone else that has any advice at all
I am at a complete loss of thought....

First let me share my letter to my W that was meant as a closure/atonement/moving on to a different place for both of us.

To "W"
This letter is not intended in anyway to try to change your mind on anything; I understand that we are divorced…that we are no longer a couple.

I am writing you this letter because you deserve to know that I understand what our marriage, and what being married to me was like for you. This letter is long over-due.
I did things in ways that didn’t make sense and that sent messages that were confusing and/or inconsistent to what that I was feeling or saying. I did things to make you feel under-appreciated, undesired, insecure, and most of all, unimportant, and not included, or the number one priority in my life.
I want you to know that I finally see things from exactly your point of view, and I get it.

The tragedy of our divorce has delivered me to a knew found place of knowledge, giving me an incredible wake up call as to just how much my behavior hurt you and how terribly contradictory it all was to what I wanted for us to be. I see now just how incredibly selfish and blind to your needs, wants and desires I had become….and I was not as family orientated as I thought I was being. I cannot tell you enough just how sorry I am for all the pain I put you through. There are so many lessons that I needed to learn about so many things, and I see the value in everything we have gone through for what it has taught me.

We are both moving on from a very emotional time in our lives. The end of hopes and dreams we thought would be together are now new beginnings for each of us. I am making peace with my mistakes, and am excited to be on a different path of learning to be a better person, partner, and friend. I would like you to know that I have always enjoyed our times together, and feel that it would be worthwhile to continue to have a friendly and respectful relationship, as I value you tremendously for your insight, your intelligence, your wit, your humor and as the unique individual you are….you are without question a very special person.
I would be grateful to be able to have you in my life in any way….and I would be honored to be your friend.

It would be nice to be able to enjoy a cup of coffee some time…..or to meet for a short walk though the park or woods with the dogs as I know they would enjoy seeing you now and then as well.
May you find all the peace, joy and happiness you need and deserve.
Take care, and thank you for all that you are…..
Me