When I was dating this husband it bugged him that I kept the married name of the first one but my oldest son was young at the time. Now his mistress kept her married name, has no kids, and was only married 5 years . Doesn't bug him at all. What do people think about when to tell S 18 about dads affair? He'll see the hypocrisy in the old man.
Once your H has been served and the divorce is under way, I think you just tell son that you are divorcing his father, and that his father has been unfaithful. End of story, Son doesn't need to hear any gory details. Most importantly, son needs to hear and see that you are strong and going to be ok - you need to be his rock.
And hard though it is, you need to encourage him to maintain some type of relationship with his dad. Sometimes they will side with the "injured" spouse, but that can have bad consequences long term (in my ex's family, the boys sided with their dad when their mom left him during their teen years - they cut off all contact with her. Ten years later I encouraged my ex to contact her, since "no contact" was more of a burden than polite contact. One brother waited until his 40's to resume contact, and one in his 50's still doesn't speak to her.)
So better for him to have a polite, if maybe distant, relationship with his dad, than for him to get pulled into "siding" with you.
Rachael, there will be things, like his irritation with your married name vs his OW's married name. It doesn't make sense, and none of this does.
Re married name ... I'm not going to change back to my maiden name, but I will use it as a non du plume (sp?) if my books ever get published. Every identity, including my diploma, immigration card, and degree that I'll be getting next year has my married name. Fortunately, H and I are friendly, so I'm not angry anymore (which might've given me reason to change my name).
As far as I'm concerned, he is free to do whatever he wants. He always was, but he chose to cheat, so there ya go. I chose to hope and try things to see if there would be change, for 7 years, and now I choose to divorce him.
What's changed for me is that when I laugh, it feels real. I feel at peace, and relaxed when H is away, and tense when he's around. I've stopped going out with him, to keep him company.
I will definitely encourage my children to have a good R with their father.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Dear being me Right now I feel better when he's not around. I haven't been me for a long time. I was always worried about what he thought. Where'd that get me. No respect that's where. I have signed the final complaint and gave to atty. she's having it filed with a status quo order to protect the assets. In the wording it says he's been spending a lot . And he has but he'll probably say the December spending was Christmas and say I'm an ingrate cuz he got me a fancy phone but he took out almost 2 grand! Not including bills. I think he charged things too.
I got a call from an apartment complex. They asked if I was still interested in the apartment (meaning my husband ) I said no not at this time. I'll tell h all about it when I tell him about the divorce.
Here's something interesting. H went to marrriage counselor yesterday. He told me that today. I don't get it but it doesn't change anything. He obviously doesn't want me. Still being snotty sometimes. What is that? MLC jazz?
I am as nervous as can be. Had the complaint notarized and somehow lost the back page on way to fed ex. Then had to find someone else to noterize cuz bank was closed. Did the overnight ship and forgot another paper which mailed today. Jeeze! Now I gotta wait til thurs.
No and I didn't ask. Think I should have? Ask far as he knows I want to work on the marriage. But the fact is he crossed the bottom line yet again and I'll never trust him again. He is not expecting a divorce, maybe separation. So he will be surprised. H went to counselor alone cuz counselor suggested he could talk to us separately if we wanted.
