Hey Suckerpunch - Ive added this to my Watched Topics as our timelines are very similar.
I've made it clear to all family and friends to keep their noses out! If they see W be polite and don't start digging as that looks like Ive been 'recruiting'.
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
I feel like LJC says, it implies I am invloved in some shennigans, or like I was ralleying the alliances. Either way, it just her feel more alienated and gives her more steam to separate herself from me and my FAMILY.
Here are a few questions I have been struggling with. If anyone has some input, I would greatly appreciate it.
1) living situation: I have allowed my W to stay in an apartment on my property, roughly 500 feet or so from our home. She pays no rent, no utilities, no nothing. Typically, we have used that space for storage, as it is directly above our business. It is currently our off season and we simply moved all the storage items downstairs and decorated the studio apartment to be a pretty nice 700 square foot living space. However, we will be opening up for business in the next couple months for our season. I have been struggling with the options of allowing her to stay here, giving her a 30 day notice to move or simply initiating a rent schedule. I am not sure which option would best help my sitch. I do know she DOES NOT have the money to supply her own housing. That would be a serious hit to her, so I am really concerned about my decisions here.
Insurance situation: I am currently paying her individual medical insurance, at the cost of about $450 a month. I have been doing this based on the liability. If something happens to her, and she is not insured, I would risk the liability of incurring her medical costs. However, I don't really feel I should be obligated to shell out the money when I am financially strapped and she is playing up the single life. Furthermore, I have her vehicle as a rider on my bundled insurance plan. Her portion literally comes to $40 a month and she has paid it ONCE in almost 3 months. She feels we should keep it this way as it is much cheaper, but I almost feel like I am being taken advantage of here as well. Why should I help her at all? She chose to leave the household and marriage.
If anyone has some input on how they would handle this, in the best manner to support reconcilation, I would appreciate the advice. My gut instnct tells me to kick her out and let her learn to swim. But, DBing kind of tells me that would drive a stake in the heart of our marriage. I am really torn at this point.
On another topic, this time of the WAS's irrational thinking: As a lot of you know, we own a camping resort. It is 30 acres and my entire family lives on the property, brother, sister, BIL, Mother, ETC. Now, this is the crazy part. Yesterday, my W actually made a reservation for her and a girlfriend to come camping on Laborday weekend!!!!! They have done this in the past, but my W feels that it is still going to be acceptable to do this?????? WAS....who will ever understand what goes on inside of their heads...haha
I’m also curious about the answers to your questions. I have similar concerns. I make more than my H, and currently he is out of work and is living in our vacation home. I pay all the bills and take care of our business. I’m also contemplating to set up separate account and ask him to contribute his portion to pay the bills, including the health insurance. But, I have the same concern about DBing.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I feel I could be, "damned if I do, Damned if I don't. It is a very difficult situation. While financially, I could continue as things have been, it is still costing about 700-800 bucks a month to support her. That money is technically coming from my families business, but really it is directly out of my pocket...and SHE left ME. Really, should I show her any support? I know I shouldn't really owe her a thing. However, Is letting her go suffer on the street going to be such a kick in the teeth, that THIS will be her new reason to divorce, because I am so mean as to kick her out onto the street with no means of support? I am really torn as what to do with this aspect of my sitch.
Does she have a job outside the home?(sorry, can't remember) If not, does her contribution to the family during the years of your marriage count for anything? Are you in a community property state? If you decide to do this are you going to give her half of your savings? Do you want her to suffer on the street? What is this teaching your daughter?
My questions have nothing to do with DBing, just as a human walking the earth.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sp, you might think I'm blowing smoke but I'm not.
When my H left, I wanted to hurt him, hurt him bad because I was hurting. I had always had the higher paying job, he stayed at home with the kids when they were younger while working PT at jobs that have no benefits or pension plans. As the boys got older that changed and he moved into a FT job with bennies but still making less.
When he left, I said some really nasty things about how he had taken advantage of me, I had worked so hard, I had supported the family yadda, yadda, yadda. Now he was leaving me the house and payments and on and on. I was going to play the money card and make him miserable.
Then I worked through the anger, settled down and thought about who I wanted to be in all this. This was a good man I had loved for a long time and still did, he worked hard for many years doing a difficult job, he put up with a lot from me for a long time, he was a great father.
He just no longer wanted to be married with me.
Do I wish he had done things differently? Sure, but he didn't. I'm also sure he wishes I had done some things differently through the years.
But is that a reason to punish someone? I'm not a big fan of punishment anyway, I don't think it works, or at least not the way we want it too.
So I let all my plans for revenge go. I detached, I forgave, I moved forward.
And I haven't regretted it.
We have worked out the money in a way that's agreeable to both of us and has kept us from being poor.
Reacting out of that hurt place might get you in a place that's difficult to return from.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yeah, I don't know the history of W. did she stay home with the kids? Have a job now?
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
