my acoa support person gave me some good insight to go by:
Don't rush bringing up things as you have to think about where you want to be in a month, 3 months, year etc.
For example I do not feel comfortable with the relationship she still has with OM "guy" friend. But the positive now is she at least tells me when a male contacts her. She has told me on 3 different occasions since her changing her attitude. Each time I did not react in a negative way. Just listened really
-do I suggest counseling at some point. Seems counseling might make things worst. Unless you get a pro marriage or solution based counselor, what's the point?
What is it you want to be able to do with her that you need tools for, specifically? -do I ever discuss some of the things she did in past . Aka going out til 2 am with whomever NO. You take it "from this day forward", like the marriage vows say.
And let that stuff go. You can set boundaries for the future but the past already passed. Do you really want HER to get out her list of your failings?
Don't answer til you give that some really deep thought. HER LIST is not what you think it is. It's longer, and you're way behind her on HER list...so lose the scorecard/list and go, as I suggest,
"From this day forward..."
-do we start to discuss boundaries and txting etc if you are not sure, then it's NOT time yet. First go to the EE workshop and THEN while there, come up with your proposals. Besides, she has already made some changes you like.
I guess what im asking is how do you start to piece or rebuild marriage back once you reconcile or makeup initially ? Do I continue to let things unfold? FOR NOW, yes...don't keep analyzing til you have tools for it AND til you have a real action plan. You seem to think by talking about the past, somehow it will ease all feelings but it will likely dredge things up AND get her to defend her choices...you want THAT?
Also out of nowhere wife a little fishy with phone tonight.
then definitely don't approach with your list of demands. You asked if this was a good time to approach her b/c she's made changes and now you say but last night she did it again.
You'll be able to see this & what you must do, more clearly SOON
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 when do I ask if ever why she decided to stay and not leave marriage. Like bond said it was so sudden. We just start looking at downsizing houses, planning another vacation and even ML etc
25 when do I ask if ever why she decided to stay and not leave marriage.
I'm not someone who cares WHY they return. What matters is that WE do the work to repair & restore our marriage. I think the endless questions are, at best, fruitless, and at worse, hurtful.
You're looking to blame, imo, OR to find some sort of answer that you think will help you...but help you do what? Know something useful for "next time"? If there is a next time, the reason might not be relevant anyhow. WHy beat a dead horse?
What's the goal?
[/color] Like bond said it was so sudden. We just start looking at downsizing houses, planning another vacation and even ML etc Even with the positives I'm scared sh*tless .
Is this common?
yes it is common but, so what? I mean, who cares if it's common?-- YOU feel it. That's real. Don't act or make choices based on your fears.
That's my advice for you. Allay them if you can, but certainly stop letting your life be dictated by fear. It's never a good thing, imo.
And as I said earlier today, you'll be at EE soon enough. You'll have a lot to take in and it's NOT all about your wife. You have your own issues to work on and plenty of stuff in your sandbox to work on. The more you do that, the better example you'll set for HER.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't know if there is anything that exists on this topic. But is there a book or workshop that focuses on "LISTENING". my wife's LL is quality time and part of that is listening to her. She will often tell me things and a day later I will forget and I can see she gets frustrated. I think I forget because I am not truly listening to her when she says things.
I also find myself cutting her off mid conversation. I see that I do it. I don't let her finish her sentence.
I know LISTENING is a very tough skill to master. But I want to so badly
I don't know if there is anything that exists on this topic. But is there a book or workshop that focuses on "LISTENING". EE does focus, in part, on listening. But only YOU can make it happen. Poor listening Is not a trait you want to have PON.
You MUST repair it b/c it comes off as self centered & dismissive. It's as if you are saying, "hey, she's just not interesting enough to ME" or
"whatever SHE says is not important enough for 2 whole minutes of time" so you can recall what she says...
I can see why it's important to her to have some OM "listen" to her when she texts. Can YOU see that?
OM communicates with her and she with him. I'm not defending it, but it does make sense. If you are not going to listen and you know she wants you to AND you have not changed to do so, it surely makes OM more appealing, doesn't it?
Do you see how UNvalued it would make anyone feel to not be heard, even after they've mentioned that it bothers them? That's insult added to injury.
If it's a memory thing for you, you need to repeat what she says THEN & THERE, to "clarify" and to cement in what she says. Re-cap, in other words, TO HER, what she just said. She'll know you heard her and you'll be more likely to recall it later.
As for interrupting her, still (??) PON, that's just a very rude thing to do. Period.
Who are you, to pretend to "KNOW" What she was going to say? OR that you should rephrase it? OR that she is "taking too long" to say her feelings or thoughts?
It's very insulting. IF you care about her you have to stop it, period.
PON, I know you don't want to be a rude person. I know you do not WANT to be hurtful to your wife, so you simply MUST NOT interrupt her.
But, ask yourself if there's a deeper problem here b/c that behavior MUST change & if you know it hurts her, and you still do it, maybe there is a part of you that wants to hurt or disrespect her. Any truth there?
I read that men interrupt women 6 x more often than women interrupt men.
It's sad and ironic b/c many men don't realize how painful it is to be interrupted...and many of them are here on this site, wondering why their ladies left them...
my wife's LL is quality time and part of that is listening to her. She will often tell me things and a day later I will forget and I can see she gets frustrated. I think I forget because I am not truly listening to her when she says things. So what are YOU going to do about that? Worry, whine, or CHANGE?
I also find myself cutting her off mid conversation. I see that I do it. I don't let her finish her sentence. Goodness, WHY do you do that? I hope you can now see that it's not just wrong; it's a really lousy thing to do to her. It hurts your marriage as it hurts your wife and you are the source of that pain. Why would you do that?
I fear that you think there's some gimmick to listening and or not interrupting. But honestly there's no gimmick or trick to it. It takes EFFORT on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. Most of us learn how to do that and we try, in our r's in life, to show that we care. That's all this is. YOU showing your wife that you care enough to hear her out.
Start making that effort PON. You really have to.
I know LISTENING is a very tough skill to master. But I want to so badly
um, it's not THAT tough to master. I mean, It's not Organic Chemistry class. It's your wife talking...And if you want it "so badly", as in, ENOUGH to make the effort, it'll come.
The real question is, will you make a daily effort to do what most people do every day,
OR will you say "it's SO HARD!" and give up? PON, Are you in charge of your choices or not?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
