hiya- it's funny you said i 'talked about myself" for a change. i think i do nothing but that. i'll have to go reread what i said.
i am so wierd tonite & today. i wondered after writing to you if i should just sent him an e-mail saying i don't give a damn what he's doing. so - go have it all and drop dead too.
No, don't that would be reacting. I know you didn't. You are speaking about yourself in a way that is more pointing to what you want. I know its so complicated - don't react, but make boundaries, how do you do that if your not communicating what you want? All I do is show him by how I walk away or give short answers and move on.
It stinks that it's seems to be all on us as they flounder through life not really feeling any of the fall out their giving us. But, they have their own grief to deal with, it's just not about us.
We are sad about them, they are screwed up about life, we cry, they trot along. The tables will turn I think and we will come out so much better because we are of sound mind.
Hang in there I dont think we should be waiting for the day we hate them enough to leave. I would hope we "leave" which is what I am doing right now, because we are stronger and at a better place with ourselves to decide enough is enough and move forward to our new life.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Nero it helps me to write things out in a journal or post on here or talk to a friend. Then I don't have the same desire to communicate with H and let him have a piece of my mind. It sure helps to get it out.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Hang in there I dont think we should be waiting for the day we hate them enough to leave.
i know you're rite about the H word - it's not that i'm a guy to go around hating people. can't think of anyone i really do- t's just such a BIG SATISFACTORY word. i'm looking for the strongest - power-laden - emphatic word i can find. i don't even want indifference- which is the most awful of all. when i think all i inspire is indifference- then i feel it's truly time to clear out. you know me- i fear both deciding i still love this man and deciding i really really do not at all care one bit. at the moment both seem tragic kind of.
see- he's rite that i think in most extreme terms. idk why- i find myself thinking - love me or leave me.
i'm askin you- could you / would you live in a situation where life went back to normal with your h and he got along well enough and was functioning, BUT you could tell his fun and excitement in life came from someone not you? as much as i know day to day life is not loaded with excitement and fun- it is toooo creepy to contemplate a life in close proximity with someone that runs to his secret little texts and e-mails for that.
i think we NEED to live together more and keep in the habit- but i also think his childish behavior of the hidden texts, etc. will be the final straw. like, i can probably forgive infidelity more readily than i can forgive immature-cheesiness, and how it hurts the other guy. i'm very down on cruelty to animals (me).
it says something sooooo bad about this guy. oh well. I know you and others will say he is not intentionally hurting me- i'm just the one getting the fall out. BUT - nope - not going to say it. me just trying to stop the loop i get in.
btw - i find i am not really obsessing so much about what he's doing and so on. i feel a thought flit thru- and i go visit someone - get busy- forget it. want to decorate a little pink sparklie feather-type tree with hearts for valentimes day. WHAT A LAUGH HUH? ME celebrating love and romance. God- i amaze myself sometimes. i'm such a chump - either i'm amazingly resilient or completely fruity.
much like my not knowing if i want to care for him again or hate the sight of his face - i have a sneaking suspicion as much as i want to just wash my hands of love and so on- i also still "believe". oh man..... good girl or get real???? life is full of these giant questions isn't it.? well, my brain and my life are.
i know in my heart if i had a job and was incredibly busy this would be easier- probably you too. we have too much time to think. i'm dragging my feet - enjoying the last days of "freedom" kind of. can't put it better.
i know i drive everyone that knows me nuts- but then, when i stopped working 10 or 15 years ago- i thought the same thing. if i didn't HAVE to work- i could bank every cent and wad up the old savings account. it was a grim outlook - i took the possibly-one chance in life to not work for awhile.
it's been great- up til I got FOGGED IN by this mlc debacle-- im finding i'm back to valuing my time and ability to not get out the door every single day- i guess the contrast of the last couple years of total ennui and inability to get out of my own way , and impending end of freedom - - HAS sparked a new appreciation in me. sad human nature that it takes things like this to make us appreciate what we have/had.
i liked the little job tho, for the week- so i guess either way it will all be good.
Quote:
It stinks that it's seems to be all on us as they flounder through life not really feeling any of the fall out their giving us. But, they have their own grief to deal with, it's just not about us.
here's what's really sad - 75% of me - does not have one drop of faith that this guy will ever be able to get beyond his (i think) guilt-induced ed and ultimately something as stupid as sex (i like it too) will end up being the nail in my coffin. i still believe we love with our brain and EVERYTHING could be fixable if one wanted to.
his mlc, stubbornness & fear will do us both in. can't believe that i can be soooooo optimistic in general about love - and sooooooo un-optimistic about human nature in others. my flaw - how to fix ? is expecting too much from people maybe. (or conversly - having no faith in them anymore). who exactly do i think I am?
well- slept great - 2 little sleeping pills - I did not even want to risk thinking away all nite. i swear- with sleep i am full of power & ability in the morning to face my day & my life and not be fearful. when i don't get it- i am weak and "unable". nite & day
I need to go do some work here- seriously.
thanks for your note- thanks for being there- you sound good today- i hope your day is a good onw.
your words are good to read - i think you're right that somehow - some way we'll end up okay because we have our sound minds. i hope so- I think of my perfectly good sister who just went off some deep end - breakdown- schizophrenia- alcoholism- death- and i think there is a point that some people just "break". the pain, troubles, disappointments, lost love - ka bam. their brain goes off the rails. no one's fault.
it's not a criticism- it's just a limit. i worry that i have a limit and it can be reached as well as her. none of us are soooooo strong & unbreakable (i think) - we are all vulnerable if the right combination of troubles comes along in our life. i don't like being smug - it could have been me. it could still be me - - or alan - our best friend that died in the car crash- ka bam. one minute he's here "having it all" and next - playing a harp up on a cloud. i don't want to forget either.
OH GEEEZ- I WAS laying in bed thnking this morning and wanted to run one thought by you. you keep pondering why your husband doesn't just GO when you say it- and if he thinks he wants it. when i found out about ow, etc.- my very first impulse was RUN - NOW. the THOUGHTS THAT STOP ME - i'm just going to say what pops in my head- not figure it our or dress it up- someting like this keeps me not leaving (could any apply to your H?) :
1) i hate this sitch- but do i just want to "give up" and hand my life over so easliy "without a fight" ??? 2) i look at allllll the "stuff" from 35 years in that fl house- and cannot face even thinking where to begin sorting, packing & moving. (for better or worse)- this is the biggest deterrent. 3) this is my "home" too..(?)(also big) why the heck do i have to go sleep somewhere else and be uncomfortable & somewhere wierd that i don't want to be & no sleep because this jerk is wrecking our lives - 4) I can always walk out tomorrow - when i am absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt... 5) who says HE gets to take my life & home away- i'll go when i'm darn good & ready & not before (well- unless shoved out- then i'll deal with that too) 6) incredible laziness on my part to dislodge my entire life - maybe your h feels some of these things. granted he's the one breaking trust & breaking faith- BUT i was just thinking why i don't just go get lost if i'm so unhappy...SO maybe some kind of insight - maybe totally not. just a thought.
you sure are right. whenever i am/was spinning out of control- i run to this forum as fast as can be and "talk" a bit. it has kept me sane and "hanging in there" with this dbing.
i never know if i want to be thankful i found this book by accident- or sorry. if i'd be gone & done - or what/? by now without it's message. .
it's both a blessing & a curse. it's the longest & hardest thing i've ever done. i think it's about getting to be five years when i noticed a bit "disconnect" between us- and july 2011 full disclosure. i'd say worst two years of my life for sure- I'm de-fogging a bit and glad of it.
still standing tho- still confused and unsure where i'm heading & how it will all "end". trying hard to not be optimistic - yet kind of valuing more the optimistic side of my nature.
a girl could get crazy huh? thanks for note- i'd say thank goodness we all found our way here to alot of sympathetic "ears" and people willing to share their experiences, wisdom, confusion, pain, etc... and , of course, nothing makes you feel better than some support from people who understand and are going thru the very same thing as you. it's gold.
i'm thankful-
thanks for note - hope your day is good and good luck, etc. i'm around anytime
(i used to journal & write this down on paper- then if i ever reread it- it's tooooo painful sickening - i rip it all up) (who wants evidence around anyway?)_i cannot willingly relive any part of it-
since i don't think i'll ever run for president - so fox news & the enquirer are never likely to look here for me, to expose my soft underbelly- i'd say yay db forum. shhhhhhhhh- all the secrets & pain, etc......
just wanted to say. isn't it sad that the hardest part of this all is the inability to talk to the very person that was your person to talk to- for all those years.
that one thing- loss of the ROCK in life- a bitter pill to swallow. oh well huh?
It does still pain me when I see him dressed up in one of his date night outfits, knowing he is going to see her. Meanwhile, he will look me right in the face and lie about where he is going.
you know, what is it with them? and the lies.
i still begin to think and sometimes struggle with the notion of WHY BOTHER???
I JUST can't get that. if you feel you have found something new and better - WHY LIE & WHY KEEP THE TIES?
if it were me- if i found "new love" and it was wonderful- i'd be gone like a shot (i think). i might feel guilty as hell and like a cad - but knowing i was making a fool of someone i loved once- knowing how much it was a double-cross. that sort of thing- would impel me to act and take a chance on my new life.
when i met this guy i was married. we worked in same office. when i realized what it was i felt for new man - i split from my ex husband. it was hardest thing to say & do. i didn't have a guarantee or anything- i just couldn't exist in THAT life knowing he thought it was something it wasn't any more. (he had alcohol & violence issues) but he was a person & a human being. i owed him that - some respect for his heart i guess.
i don't think i could hurt a human being like the lies do.
I've never posted to you before, but I found your last post very interesting. You said that you left your last H because it was the humane thing to do. And maybe that's correct. But what I found interesting is that you mentioned that he had some serious issues. I can't help but think that in some part of your mind you knew sure as anything that your M to your exH was over. You knew you had nothing more to invest in that. You had nothing left for him. It was an easier decision. I went through that. I was sure able to leave my last H without much hesitation at all. I knew that there was no salvaging that R. I have many of the same questions you do. Why not just leave me? Why torture me? Why not just make a decision.
My H left me for a year and a half while carrying on an affair. He did come home. I'm not convinced the affair ended or perhaps he started another. I have no idea. But it was months of pure hell having him back until I finally left. Life is funny sometimes and in its time, it teaches its own lessons. And as unhappy as I was at home, I'm telling you that there is a huge part of me that wants to go back. I am so afraid to make this final. I love my H, I am in love with my H. I find myself constantly having to remind myself what it was like when we were living together in order to prevent myself from getting on a plane and go back home. What a gf of your H will never have on you is a history... a history of love, devotion, protection, good times, etc. While he may be able to distract himself at the moment with someone else, those memories still have a pull. And I can't help but feel like these men who have affairs are affected by the fact that their wives keep standing even though they are acting cr&ppy. Somewhere in their mind, they know no one else would do that for them. But that's bad too, because they have no incentive to stop the behavior. It's a confusing mess for sure.
- their brains are crazy, Swiss cheese alien brains.
- they really don't know what they want. In my H's case, he doesn't seem to know what life he wants, so he is trying to have both.
- they can't make decisions worth a sh!t.
- they are crazy.
- they know what they're doing is wrong.
- did I mention they are crazy?
It does hurt me when my H lies, but not like it used to. Plus, I've stopped taking it personally. I've seen him lie to others, know he lies to others.
Can you imagine living a life of constant secrets and lies? Talk about stress...
I think they may make themselves believe that they are not hurting us. They lie to themselves most of all.
And I get what you said to hopper about losing the rock in our lives. Thing is... I think we have to become our own rocks. We can have our support systems, but at the end of the day, it's our life and we have to take care of it.
Ps - if you do decide to run for president, I promise not to tell Fox News or any gossip mags - You have my vote
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
