Hi Jayhawk, I see lots of positives in your sitch, The main one being she’s getting counselling and she’s realising that things are not quite right in her head, misconceptions etc. Give her lots and lots of space. I would loved to have traded places with you (many years ago, if you see what I mean).
With my now Ex W, she started counselling a few months before she left us. And I had high hopes, but the downside was that it was person centred counselling.
Late August 04 after about 10 months worth of it she gave it up, telling our middle D Louise that: ‘We just kept going around in circles.’ My heart sank when I heard this! I new then that a reconcile was nigh impossible (but I didn’t want to believe it at the time).
Also don’t get emotional envolved with anyone in the future, not until you've healed yourself first of course etc ( and I believe it could still be with your wife). Regarding sex with another person is concerned, forget that also till you are fully healed. I thought I would never be able to go without sex, say for a couple of weeks! And here I am still celibate after 9 years this month!!!
You can do it Jayhawk, May God Bless you and your family. And I’ll leave you with another song that’s always spoken to me since it was released in 1976 when I was 17 and I had just fallen in love with Liz.
Artist : Eric Carmen
Songwriter: Memphis Slim,
‘All By Myself’
When I was young I never needed anyone And makin' love was just for fun Those days are gone
Livin' alone I think of all the friends I've known But when I dial the telephone Nobody's home
All by myself Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore All by myself Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore
Hard to be sure Sometimes I feel so insecure And love so distant and obscure Remains the cure
All by myself Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore All by myself Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore
When I was young I never needed anyone And makin' love was just for fun Those days are gone
All by myself Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore All by myself Don't wanna live, all by myself anymore
All by myself Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore…….
Love
Delboy
P.S: Don’t take anyone or anything for granted! It can sure bite you in the arse!
Before she looked him up on fb I would have ranked her as a bit player in the movie of h's life. But he says I got that, along with so very many other things, wrong.is sooo long - know that you have mistakes and backslides ahead of you. You are only human after all.
Same here mizjjd. I knew they had been talking for about a year. She told me all about it at the time and I've seen the pre-BD email record, pretty casual talk really. Post-BD: page long, back and forth love letters, phone calls, multiple times a day. Really hurtful stuff about our marriage either working out, or it won't. Didn't matter as long as she could keep speaking with him.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
After reading through many posts and the excellent set of links posted by Cadet (Thanks!) and others, the reality of my sitch is starting to sink in.
Knowing W like I do, she must be wracked with guilt and shame over her actions, even if she is not really conscience of it yet. I can only imagine the levels of similar emotions that she was already carrying with her all these years to cause this to happen. I am starting to see the persona she is projecting as a mask. A hard wooden mask that looks happy to the point of euphoria sometimes, exercise crazy and energetic, totally in control.
Over the Christmas break that she did not attend with the kids and I, she emailed that she was crying because she couldn't believe what was happening to her. She said she felt like she was in a bad TV movie. She said she was sorry she stopped feeling for me. That if I had cut her our of her life like she did me, it would have hurt more than anything and she doesn't mean to hurt me. She was sorry for the things she wasn't and am not, and that she has let everyone down. All standard MLCer crap from what I'm learning. The ice queen was back in control by the time I returned, but I haven't really had any face-to-wooden mask time as my apartment was ready the day I returned.
I feel sorry for her and wouldn't change places in a million years. It does help to pity her instead of directing so much anger toward her.
I did notice a very odd thing the last time saw her that she does now that has been happening since shortly after BD. Often, when I asked her a question, even a simple one, she would look up and to the left for a quick second. Almost like she was waiting for the answer to appear. I started imagining she was waiting for a voice in her head to tell her what to say. She's never done anything like that before. Has anyone else noticed this odd kind of behavior in an MLCer?
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Trying to break these long posts up a little bit:)
I talked with one of our mutual friends last night. She had lunch with W on Sunday. She said that W seems like a completely different person. She's lost a lot of weight, seems to be full of energy, and has this sort of glassy eyed stare thing going on. This friend is a psychologist by training, so she is equally frightened and fascinated by W's transformation.
She's also a pretty analytical fixer-type person like myself and posed many tough questions to W when this all started happening. What will you do for money? (Answer: not worried about it); What if J finds someone else and falls in love, gets married? (Answer: Good for him, I hope he does. Couldn't care less about the men in my life); What about your kids? (Answer: they will be fine, they have their mother). W eventually got frustrated with all this, and said this person, her best friend, didn't really care about W's feelings or her happiness and they went from seeing each other nearly every day to barely speaking for about 3 weeks (I know the feeling). When the reality of it all started setting in for me back in late November, I warned our friend that if she wanted to maintain any relationship with W, she had better stop the questioning. I do want W to maintain such friendships; these are solid, down to earth folks in a loving marriage who care about both of us. I would rather she spent the weekend with them than anyone else, if you know what I mean. Our friend, however, is starting to question what kind of friendship she can maintain with someone who doesn't really want to talk about real things and has such a totally different set of core values now. Again, I know the feeling.
This couple have actually seen more of W than I have since before xmas. He says it always strikes him as so odd that, knowing what he knows about the sitch, W acts like she doesn't have a care in the world. It wasn't my choice to involve them at all initially. W would send him out to find me in the early days when I did the cliched 'crawl into a bottle' routine and make sure I was okay . I was never a drinker and couldn't sustain it. It didn't help anyway, but Ambien sure does . They are as perplexed by all this as I am, but very supportive. I'm lucky to have such good friends in my life.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Oh yeah, with my W it's down and to the left when she is saying something she is not sure about internally, but not a flat out lie... a flat out lie is either no eye contact, or exaggerated direct eye contact...when caught webcamming, she acted like a teenager buttering up a parent...it's kinda fascinating and sometimes humorous once you get in dispassionate scientist mode....
Observe and record...lol. T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi Delboy, Yours was one of the threads I read early on, sorry about all the heartache! Like I said, compared to most, I seem to have it kind of easy (ridiculous statement, but true).
My W is not a berserking, free spending, sexaholic, yet. She just seems like a completely different person. Luckily, it's a relatively friendly person who takes good care of my children. She just doesn't give two shakes about me. She seems so calm and serene in her decision, it made me question at one point if she really is just done with me, in the standard couples breaking up kind of scenario. But at the same time, this change in her seemed to happen over night, she says she is a different personality now and is just acting very, very weird. It's hard to jive with some of the other stories I've read on the forum that describe really angry and mean MLCers. I just haven't seen as much of it unless I really asked for it. I've finally learned not to.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
You just gave me that deja-vu feeling...your W is sounding like mine before the angry alien showed up, when the all the "rosy assumptions" started wavering...and yes, they ditch anyone who challenges them about what they are doing and thinking, friends, family, kids, doesn't matter.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, I'll keep my eye out for the angry alien. I'm pretty sure she won't be able to sustain happy go lucky for very long, but I could be very wrong about that. I'm finding that trying to live each day without any expectations to be the hardest part of this. I've always planned for the future and planned well.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Hopefully, you will have a "low energy" mlc'er, as Cadet has called it (check out Forever Young's thread) and you will skip that "stage"...
Quote:
I've always planned for the future and planned well.
I hear ya!! I dragged myself kicking and screaming to the "live in the NOW" idea, it was so antithetical to my engineer self, but it was the only logical, sane path (ironically)...and I still have trouble with it, to be honest.
So, what can you plan for just YOU and the kids?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
" So, what can you plan for just YOU and the kids?"
Diner for tonight would be a start; pork chops, rice pilaf and green beans. Swimming at the indoor pool next week, D15 has a big science report due tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking her to Rocky Horror the next Saturday I have them. My mom is coming out for Spring break, but that's a ways away. I like how you put that question and will continue to think in those terms! J.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
. They are as perplexed by all this as I am, but very supportive. I'm lucky to have such good friends in my life.