As always, thanks for stopping in, KD. You're quite the keen observer.
Originally Posted By: KD
Out of curiosity jb, did you appologize (to validate) for your part of being distant or "neglectful"? I say that simply because you appear to have better heard and understood her position and perhaps she might have been appreciative of the appology.
I did..but it wasn't to the degree I feel I needed to. I am hoping to get the chance to own those mistakes and apologize for them. As long as she holds to those, she will remain stuck. And quite frankly, I want to be free of that burden.
Originally Posted By: KD
In the same token, your W is still pointing at you for her hurts (which of course are valid), but unwilling to speak of any realizations of how she may have contributed.
Until she can speak of her stuff, she is still harbouring anger and resentment (as she alluded to when mentioning she was upset with your GAL) and may not look internally for her own growth.
Yes, I would say you're absolutely correct. In addition, she also doesn't want that feedback from me at this time. If she invites me there, I'll go there. I crossed that line last Thursday night, and she just got ticked at me, because from her perception, it was about how I got hurt and once again, was not about her feelings.
Originally Posted By: KD
That said, I still think that while it is ok to move towards the D, there is still no need to rush things. Not to hold off the inevitable, rather keep in mind that for both your interests as well as for S, things need to be thought out during the process so no mistakes are made.
You known me long enough, KD. Do I do anything fast? It's a fine line to walk, though. I think it's wise not rush and make mistakes but my W is also seeing any perceived dragging of my feet as a control effort, and just more of the same.
I have been talking with banks and mortgage brokers this week to figure out if I can keep my house and still be able to afford it with everything considered.
I have also contacted my L and indicated that unfortunately, we are moving forward.
To my surprise, I asked my W on Monday if she would be willing to meet up tonight, and she agreed to do it. So I am confirmed to meet up with her. My only game plan is to go in there, reflect back to her what I heard last week, and apologize for what I need to apologize for. I think she really needs the floor again, and if she wants, I will let her have the floor, and I will just listen.
Hey JB, What your w said about you still wanting to control the sitch is exactly what my ex said one night when we were having a heart to heart. She was crying and I sat down to comfort her, she had been drinking and said that the magnitude of what was happening was finally hitting her. Up to that time we had agreed that I would file here in Nj(even though I didnt want the divorce), because she was moving to ohio and would have to come back here to appear in court. I was having second thoughts and told her that since she wanted the divorce, she should file, not me, since I didnt want to do something I didnt believe in. She looked at me and said how surprised she was by me saying that, that we had an agreement and that I should follow through. She said that by not filing I was trying to control the sitch, which was one of her main reasons for wanting the d. Since I believe always keeping your word is sacrosanct, I told her that I would follow through even though I didnt want the d.
Should I have said the heck with keeping my word and reneged on my agreement to file? Still havent come to a conclusion on that, my therapist and all friends and family at the time said that I should have let her feel the pain of her actions., a year and a half later, not sure, I certainly was in a less stable emotional state then than I am now.
I guess my point is that I was also told that I had been neglectful of my sp during the marriage, with much justification. She was right when she said I was attempting to control the sitch by slowing down the process, even in my emotional fog i could grasp that essential point. It was then that I realized that she had to have the d, and it was pointless of me to try to hinder the process. Looking back now, I think it was the right decision, since we have remained amicable, are just now slowly starting to communicate every 4 weeks or so on a very basic basis, usually about the welfare of our dog, which she has custody of.
The other thing i wanted to comment on was your comment about moving the d along to show her you are doing something positive. All well and good, but if you are going to move the process along, do it for you, not just to show her you are doing something positive, because then you make gal look like something you are doing for her, when in reality, you are doing it for you. Hopefully I expalined that correctly. If you do it for her, then you havent quite detached to the degree that you might need to show her that you are ready to move on if need be, dont want to, but can if push comes to shove. If she thinks you are controlling, any hindrance of the process is going to be perceived by her as just the same old same old.
Just my two cents, as always buddy, I hope for the best.
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Thanks for stopping in, gunny! It's always great to hear from you!
We have been negotiating the agreement and the ball's currently in my court. If I don't do anything at all with it, I am just hindering the process at this point.
And this:
Originally Posted By: gunny
If she thinks you are controlling, any hindrance of the process is going to be perceived by her as just the same old same old.
explains the current dynamic pretty well.
We had agreed to to put things on hold back in December, but she had indicated to me that she didn't want to be on hold anymore. Therefore, I am just taking the next step in an effort not to hinder the process. I am doing absolutely nothing to accelerate the process or try to just "get it over with".
Just a quick update. I'll provide some more details later when I can.
My W and I did get together to talk the following week after we go together to talk the first time. I left the conversation a little discouraged, and we didn't set anything else up. I felt like about 3/4 of our conversation was necessary. I did thank her for getting together with me to talk and paid for her meal. Oddly enough, I was feeling a little more encouraged in the days after our talk. The thing that's agonizing about it is that were having the kind of hard, difficult conversations we should have been having when we were still together. Also, I am very confident when she goes into the past, that I'm not the same man at all I used to be. TBH, it's very hard for me hear about my mistakes of the past from the person I hurt, or neglected. I wish for a whole bucket of mulligans. I do need to keep in mind that I only made some of the mistakes, but I do have to own my own mistakes.
Last week turned out to be an interesting week. My W got fired from her job on Monday. She texted me to let me know. I texted her back that I was sorry to hear it and asked if she was OK. I ended up just following up Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of that week.
Thursday was also interesting. My W was on her way to pick up my S, and called me while I was at work. She followed up with a text. She was stranded on the side of the Interstate. She had run out of gas. Since it was cold out and I really didn't want her walking along the freeway, I left work, picked her up, went home and got a gas can, and got her back on the road. It was something I just felt I needed to do. I really didn't have an ulterior motive.
I had intended to get back to her on the D paperwork and what I had learned about refinancing my house. Because of the chaos of last week, I didn't do it. I am mentally planning on doing it this week.
Hey JB can you give us an update on how things are progressing.
Thanks for checking in on me OLW.
Another quick update. Last week I did get in touch with my W. I suggested we get together and discuss some of the details of the D and try to handle at least some of the negotiations among ourselves. We would then get the answer back to the Ls and have them finish things up. She agreed to meet up to discuss the agreement. We are set to meet up in about an hour and a half.
In my notes I have stashed a brochure to a "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference. If the opportunity presents itself, I'll give her the brochure and she can just get back to me if she wants to pursue it. I'd give it about a 10% chance tops. She may just throw it away. However - if she doesn't like it, what's she going to do? D me?
I've had more time to mull over our previous conversations. My understanding of where she is with things is becoming clearer and clearer.It's become very clear to me if there were to any sort of reconciliation, it would definitely be rebuilding this thing from the ground up.
It's a fine line to walk, though. I think it's wise not rush and make mistakes but my W is also seeing any perceived dragging of my feet as a control effort, and just more of the same.