finding my way

[bustorama]

Both initiating emails to him and, especially, telling him that you are thinking of him are pursuit behavior. And neither are accepting his view that he wants to run away and pursue this EA.

Have you ever had someone you weren't "feeling it" for pursue you or hint that they were into you? Probably didn't end well for them. Pretty much never works. Often drives you away more or leaves you feeling sorry for them, icky, or, perhaps at best, guilty.

Turn the tables. Stop all emails. (Try not to) think about him. Think about your next GAL or adventure with your kids. When your WAS is actively pulling away, showing pursuit of any kind will not work (even if it is a 180 from what was happening before). Pull away even more dramatically and get ahead of him on the detachment curve. At this point in time, it may be a 180 he will notice.

[tori2012]

Agree with Bustorama...

[afa75]

I can speak from a place of experience that if you make limiting contact and having fun with the kids w/o your H (possibly 180s and GALs), that although it may be hard, it is best, and may make him reconsider what he's doing...w/o in you a good way that is.

((( )))

[littleGTO]

Thanks, roses, FY, & Tori& ruby, bustorama & afa,

I will take your suggestions & apply them--no emails. I do worry that if our contact is exclusively kid-talk that he will perceive this as me being cold. But, I guess you're all right that even email (while was a 180 for me) would be seen as pursuing.

GAL- well, I signed up for a 75-mile charity bike ride this summer. It is for cancer survivors in my state, so I have to raise money for the cause which I am excited about. I need to set up my website for people to be able to donate. I will be riding in honor of my MIL's recent passing (to ovarian cancer).

GAL2- I also started my scrapbook in memory of my MIL. I plan to work on this in Jan/Feb. It will help me to heal from her loss (as I feel my M sitch has completely overshadowed my need to grieve her death). She was a very special person in my life.

Journaling-H came over this afternoon to be w kids. I went to the gym (GAL#3) (cycling, of course!), then went to neighbors w S to work on his Pinewood Derby car (GAL#4), then went to pick-up groceries(not GAL). Things I would have done on a normal Sunday afternoon, but this time helped me to not be around H (part of my detachment plan).

Since I've returned from my parents' house over Christmas, I have gone back to irregular & unsettled list, and the same nervous shaking I've been getting for a while now. I have made a decision to see my PCP and talk w her about ADs and/or anxiety meds (at least temporarily).

I finally (it's been 4 weeks) get to see my IC again tomorrow. I am in a totally different place than when I last saw her. BD#2 hit (I'm in love w OW (still) & not w you, & OW & I are still talking about a future together sometimes). Since then I have come to some sort of "acceptance" that H is highly likely not to return to our family.

I want to get her advice (in addition to all the great advice here) about how to move forward (w/o completely giving up), what she suggests about my anxiousness, sadness, how to really GAL & learn to find myself again.

[rosesarered]

LittleGTO -Please share about what you learn about moving forward with H. I will be away all next week for work. When I return from that trip, I plan to have a sit down to let H know my plans for moving forward.

[littleGTO]

Had an IC session today. Thought I was in a stronger place today, but as I drove closer and closer to my apptmt I feel apart. When I walked her door I was all tears!

OF course I had to update her about BD#2 & H re-committing his comm w OW (emailing). I told her I just feel like that I split open all over again, but this time I feel like I came to very sad acceptance that H is choosing a life w/o me & w/o our family.

I am NOT giving up on our M! But, I do feel like I am not going to walk around blindl hoping for signs every day when I know he is moving closer to HER all the time.

IC suggested trying not to be around H as much as possible and limiting contact, which I am trying to do. She said I may want to think about him coming over to house to see kids on the w/e's.

I told her I also have been very agitated/edgy around H and have to really hold my tongue as I don't want to just ruin my months of effort taking the higher road. She said anger is just a phase everyone goes through--for different lengths of time & sometimes many times over. Everyone is different.

I was exhausted after an hour of crying and unloading on my IC. When I got home I pretty much limited convo w H to kid talk, then he left w 2 kids to take them to activities.

Have a friend at work who I talk to occasionally & he is going thru hard times w his wife. However, they seem to be progressing forward & it is sad to say I am a little jealous of where they seem to be v. my sitch.

I hate this time of limboland!

But, I have a lot of blessings in my life too & I do thank God each and every day for them. I also ask for patience, hope, and guidance. I know HE has a plan for me and my kids. I just don't think it is the path I think I want right now.

[Sweetbriar]

GTO..I can relate to the occasional break down at IC. I go every week and he has been so proud of my accomplishments since H left. He also compliments me on how great I look and well Im carrying the baby! BUT..there are those weeks that I just lose it and I have an appt tomorrow and Im scared it may be a lose it week. I cannot stop crying tonight and just the thought of going in there tomorrow and talking to him makes me cry!! Im a wreck!

I think the anger and edginess is normal. I feel it too. It took everything in my power to not be nasty during my texting with H today. He was being so negative and mean and I still didn't lash out with hurtful things. I don't know how you do it with having to see H. I don't even see mine anymore. He doesn't come in the house at all when he comes here. I know its better, but its also hurtful...you would think he would at least be curious about my belly getting big...NOPE! I am happy for you that your H comes and takes the kids to activities and is still staying involved. Its good that your kids are open to that. Mine are soooo hurt by their dad and hardly see him.

I also hate limbo land...this crap with our H's OWs is crazy. I just will never get it. I actually don't really know if I'm in limbo anymore...beginning to see it as the end for our M. I hate to give up hope...but I also hate to keep hanging on to something that clearly isn't there (after today's texts!)

I also think that the jealously of your friends R heading in the right direction is normal. I tend to be jealous now of all my good friends and their H's. We are missing our family and our spouse and it has to be normal to yearn for that reconnection that we pray for everyday. I find that I would just love a baby step. ANYTHING...

You do have a lot of blessings in your life..I will pray for you as well tonight when I do my own prayers. That our God leads our Hs back to our families where they are needed and loved the most.

Thinking about you tonight...

[Sweetbriar]

Whoops..forgot to mention that I appreciate your advice on my thread and I loved your responses...I let a lot of his comments just go...but I wanted so badly to respond! I appreciate your continued support and advice!

SB

[ForeverYoung]

I hate this time of limboland!

We all do.

Arsene once told me that it's not really limbo if we make the most of each day... enjoy the good people and things in our life. Find our own meaning and purpose. I figure since we only have so many days on this earth, we might as well decide to be happy on each one of them.

[ForeverYoung]

You know lil'G, I think once we can begin to help others through the pain of being left behind, it shows that we're doing a lot better than we thought we were. I've noticed a positiveness to some of your more recent posts, and like Martha would say... that's a good thing!