I have had the "light on" without anger or judgement for a long time now. I don't even say ''hi'' unless he shows a willingness to be friendly first. I see that he enjoys the availability of our home, like he needs to know there is a constant he can rely on.
He comes in, I go about my business, he sometimes says hi or waves, I leave him alone. But, here's the but, he has thrown it in my face, saying that he is getting away with everything.
He has even gone as far as saying maybe he should push it since nobody can stop him. My repose to that months ago was for him not to read my silence as weakness, he agreed out loud. He said at times he's scared of me.
My S21 wants to break "the light and put up a pad lock" luckily he's reasonable in the end.
The "good feel" he gets about coming home then ends...and in come the beginning of his anger, the dep that makes him want to leave, because he's only dep here you know!
For now the light stays on....
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I've been reading through this thread and I'm in somewhat of the same situation with my W in MLC. She's now at the stage (whichever that one is) where she does not engage me what so ever. Lately her only interaction with me is when she needs or wants something.
My question I have, is how do you know when they've hit the bottom? Is there a typical sign? I don't beleive my W has, but hey she barely has spoke to me since November.
Hi Sam - that's a great question! It thought I saw H hit rock bottom, but all he did was bounce back up. So I think being that it's different for everybody...that when it happens for real we will know.
I have also read how sometimes they will just come to you, break down and let you know. Follow the link on page 2 of my thread...he tells how he hit the bottom and looked to see if his W was there for him...she was!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
He has even gone as far as saying maybe he should push it since nobody can stop him. My repose to that months ago was for him not to read my silence as weakness, he agreed out loud. He said at times he's scared of me.
Yeah, I get you. My ex has done similar. She pushed as much as she felt she could. She pushed to get me to divorce her, hit her, etc. I did none of those things, because I realized what was happening. I didn't like it. It doesn't feel good. But it is real. It is happening. She didn't like it either. I wasn't following the script and so she made up stories and such to help her justify the way she felt and her actions. In a way, she was trying to fix herself without the help of others. It started as her being depressed, spending more time at the gym, with "new" friends, etc. Then she got rid of the old friends altogether and dropped the bomb on me. In her mind, I think she was still doing it all. Parenting, etc. But reality is, she wasn't. She then had conflicted feelings and eventually shut them down altogether. They came back as anger as she decided the issue must be me. Even then, she couldn't look me in the eye. More stories, more crazy, etc. Rinse, repeat, etc.
Even now, after she is remarried to the OM, living on her own, has finished her degree, is working and appears to have it all (I know), she still antagonizes me when she thinks she can get away with it. Why? I think her issues are still not resolved.
I could get the same benefit from spitting in the wind as I could from pushing back against her, or fighting it, etc. Except if I spit in the wind, I would at least get a consistent response (hey, I'm a guy. It's my analogy. )
Don't get me wrong, btw, I'm not perfect and never was. There are some things I've changed since because of knowing about them. But this not about me. I have to remind myself, even now, very often. She tests me regularly.
As for how do you know if they hit bottom? What's the difference? You'll know if they come back to you or not, but you may never know why or if they hit bottom. You're looking for the wrong signal if you ask me. I would know, I did it for a long time too
Hey nero - Life is GREAT!!! Don't let anyone tell you differently. It may not be what you planned or hoped for, but it is AWESOME and FANTASTIC every day. Some days are better than others, but they are all good days
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Journaling: So I have been very brave and taken the roommate approach this week. It def helps me to detach and protect myself from the anxiety of "finding out" what he may be doing. If I just don't care, it seems I find alternatives to doing things that put me in the know.
Like our bank account, I guard it from his spending with text alerts, amount allocations between two accounts, and turning overdraft off so he can't over spend. The anxiety of not having to log on the account and see his spending, has done me wonders for my crazy thoughts. They actually let you add more funds through the text alert!
Another business move I've had to make was un-forwarding his calls to my phone if he doesn't answer. His work can be ''need to know now" and I have always been the one to rely on, it can be a matter of missing a gig, and it has worked great for a long time. No more...it's been ea and her hang ups or nasty voicemails for more than anything.
In the summer H may risk loosing gigs if it's a newer client who doesn't have my direct line, but I guess he's going to have to grow up and make some decisions then.
Just those two moves have put me in a position of not knowing when ea calls, if he went to a bar, if he spent more than "table for one" at lunch. I don't want to know, I don't want to care.
The anxiety of all the knowing and assuming has been the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. It has taken a toll on my health, my psyche, and my over all involvement in my own life. ANd, in the end looking back one yr, I can see that it has all been for nothing.
No more...!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm glad you are taking steps to eliminate some of the anxiety in your life. Using the roommate approach helps quite a bit.
Bottom line, take care of yourself. Leave your h in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Omg, my MIL doesn't understand the magnitude of what's going on and is insisting on come here today. Weeks ago H told me no way, she still has my kids gifts.
He's home today, on the couch, quietly looking up military history on the computer, it's what makes him peaceful within himself. Do I protect that and tell then no, you can not come, or do I let him deal with his own family fallout.
I have already told them that he is fragile and we don't push him, I also told them that they get to leave us here with a possible angry, now unsettled man that they agitated. But, again is this his consequence or do I protect the hard work we have all done here to keep some sence of piece.
I have 1hour before they leave....any help, advice?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
(hey, I'm a guy. It's my analogy. )