An onion, dance lessons and a Harley II

[labug]

Make your own traditions, have hot dogs if you want.

We waste a lot of energy on trying to make things "just rigth" or how we think theyshould be and forget that how lucky we are to just be spending the day together.

Get over yourself!

[subguy]

We waste a lot of energy on trying to make things "just right" or how we think they should be and forget that how lucky we are to just be spending the day together.

Oh I am lucky to have my kids with me. Unconditional love is what they offer.

Get over yourself!

Agreed, easier said than done!!!

[subguy]

My W called me today and asked me if she could use my truck to take our D to orthodontist appointment then take her to ball practice. I said yes use the the truck as much as you need. When I got home from work she was pulling in the drive way. When we both got out of the vehicles we talked for a minute. She was crying and upset, I was trying to validate her feelings. She is going to look for another vehicle instead of repairing ours. I told her she could use my truck as needed (a friend is going to let her use her car). I told her I was sorry that the car was going to be that expensive to repair. She said I guess I'm getting what I deserve. My reply was, I don't think you deserve anything bad to happen. I hope it all turns out good.

I don't think i gave to much, as she is still gonna have to figure out repair her's or purchase a new vehicle. I think I was friendly and supportive, not clingy and needy. I allowed just a nibble of cake not eating the cake. How did I do???

[JuneReN]

I think you did fine. I would have done exactly the same. H broke his toe a couple weeks back, I knew because D told me. H told me a couple of days ago, and I just said " that hurts, I know how you feel" ( I am a regular breaker of toes lol).

We can be empathetic and sympathetic without nesting ourselves. People do it all the time with complete strangers. There is nothing to be said we cannot be the same with our spouses.

Friend is going to lend your W a car, so that is good. You offered truck, but you don't have to offer again and she doesn't have to feel some sort of debt, conscious or unconscious to you( which will affect the way she acts towards you etc)

So, I think it was handled pretty darn well!

[tori2012]

Agree, Subguy! Great job. Was she crying bc of the car issue? It sounds like it was a projection of how he feels about herself now that she wants a D. The WAS always feels shame/guilt. Make sure that this feeling doesn't come from you, but from herself.

[subguy]

I am not sure why she was crying tbh. I assume it was the car and possibly a combination of seeing me after asking me for a favor. She did say "I guess I'm getting what I deserve". She was already tearing up when she walked over to where I was at. I also gave her a copy of her health insurance card, she said I thought you dropped me from the insurance. I said, no that if we divorce then I cannot keep you on my plan, we are still married. She said "oh".

I think she has painted me as an ass in her mind, to give her the energy to leave (it's easier to leave someone with whom I am mad at). This is several times now she has said "oh" yep I have not changed that much i'm still not an ass lol. I think this will have to sink in before we can start having any dialog.

I however will not pay to have her car repaired or give money for the purchase of a new one. This life lesson she will have to own. She said that I was obsessed with money?!?! Because I like to keep a certain amount in the bank for emergencies and then save up and pay cash for purchases that we want to make. Why make the bank rich paying interest. Believe me I was not controlling with money. I never questioned where she spent money.

Well, I hope it all works out for her. I don't like to see her struggle, heck I don't like for me to struggle and I have done my share of that, just in different areas.

[subguy]

Thanks RT and tori, I was happy at the way I handled the situation. If only I could always be on my A game lol.

[Soul.Searching]

I think you handled it great. Good work.

[subguy]

I want to wish everyone a happy New Year!!! I hope it is better than the year we just had lol. Much love to my fellow crisis managers.

I spoke with my BIL today and he said the same thing that I have heard before. My W told him that she is unhappy and does not know why or even if she is unhappy with me. Makes my head spin whenever I hear this. With that being said I think for now D is off the table for now. The big D word has not come up in a couple of weeks and i certainly will not mention it lol. I'm going to BIL's house to drink a few (I will only drink a few). Everyone in the family has been saying pretty much the same thing to her, slow down and make sure this is what you really want. It's nice to know they are not pressuring her either way. I talked with most of them and asked them to not pressure her right after BD. I have to focus on me and let her figure out that I am not the reason she is unhappy. Then we may be able to talk, however I need to get more emotionally detached so that I can react better to things she says.

[tori2012]

Subguy, this is good news! Whatever she says, react calmy so she is willing to share more. I know it's hard. I see you're mentally preparing yourself for tough conversations. For now, enjoy the break from all the D talk!