I issued the ultimatum to my H last week...and he chose me and our family . But he is angry..and hurtful and at times sarcastic.
I have been trying to validate his feelings and emotions, I have been trying to appreciate how he feels. I told him I understand his feelings.
I took our kids christmas shopping and they wanted to see him as he works out of town...he was still so angry that he didn't want to see me...stayed at work extra late...so we told the kids we wouldn't be able to see him as he didn't finish work until late in the evening then he would be up first thing..back to work. He said he would be home on the 22nd.
I told him I understood...did not get angry..left..went home..went to see my family the next day and the kids finished thier shopping. I never spoke to him other then to wish him a good day at work.
Yesterday he asked if I was excited about our Christmas plans, and I said yes, but was anxious. I asked him if he was, he said if he didn't want to go, he wouldn't. Then asked me why.. I said "US" and that I was giving him space like he asked me to..and I was giving myself space, because I respected him and loved him, and that I understood how he felt, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset him.
So, I haven't been talking to him much...other then the occasional text. Yesterday, I recieved flowers, thinking they were from him I texted him and said thank you, it turned out my son sent them to me for my birthday. ( They share the same name.) I said my apologies, I assumed they were from you, made a joke about it. And he replied that it was nice to talk to me.
So now what? I still feel angry. I have tried to validate his feelings, and be undertanding to what he is going through, but find myself still angry and anxious it had to come to this point. I now constantly wonder if he chose to stay with me and our family because he truly loves us, or if he felt coerced to. I am resentful for that, as well as I get to live with his lifetime of wondering if he made the right choice or wonder what if. I still feel resentful and his lack of considertaion for me, my feelings. It feels like all of this is about him. And then I wonder if they are still in contact...I haven't asked him yet, not sure what to do there.
Do I ever get any consideration or validation? He won't go to counselling as he feels he doesn't need it. I don't want to brush this under the rug..but also do not want to keep validating how he feels and ignoring how I feel? Is this unreasonable? I am not sure what to do or how to feel. Somedays I feel like I am going crazy. Please advise ...someone..I feel like I am losing my mind.
That is a good first step, but it is important that you are not only together, but that whatever got you to the breaking point is resolved. Both of you are going to have to do things differently to continue on this path and have the kind of relationship that makes you both happy. Have you spoken to a DB coach yet. They are experts in helping you get clarity on how to go forward in a way that will keep your marriage on track. I would look forward to talking to you further. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Karen...I do have a coach...will be speaking to him today at 5. I would like a buddy, if that is at all possible. H says he doesn't want counselling..I think it would help...not sure what to do...I don't want to live wondering what if...or have him wondering what if...that isn't the way to live is it? We used to have such a good marriage, one that everyone evied..yet now here we are.. Funny thing is...to him there was never an issue about his feelings towards me, that he would never leave me..our family...he wanted the best of both worlds. Neither of us..could deal with the other...maybe I should have been more patient...as i have read that affairs usually run it's course within 6-12 months..but honestly felt I was losing my mind. Any suggestions what to do next?
My coach did some reassuring. But now my H has not been in contact. I have sent him some texts telling him that I do understand how he feels, that I have been giving him space in order to give him time with his feelings. I have been telling him I value him and respect him. Tonight he said a comment that makes me wonder if he did "choose me. " H said that " I was the one leaving" so makes me wonder if he has been in contact with the OW and can't leave her as I had told him it was me or her. He was supposed to be here in two days so we could be at his parents for Christmas... That has been now pushed to the 22nd. I don't know what to do now
You made it clear that he had to choose, and he chose you. That's good! At this point there's not much more you can do but be a little patient. Unfortunately, this is all about him for a bit. He is grieving the loss of OW. The best thing you can do is try to be understanding of this and give him some space to recover.
Hold firm to your boundary. Let him know that you love him and will give him time. Figure out what part you played in him wanting to stray, and work on that. Eventually, he will come around and be willing to address your needs, which after being betrayed, will include his being transparent with you (regarding his whereabouts, cell phone records, emails) to regain your trust.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The unfortunate thing about ultimatums is that they *do* come back because they feel pressured or coerced and not because they chose to of free will and that puts your marriage in a very strained place for quite a while.
Based on how H is acting I would employ LRT and stop reaching out to him entirely. Go completely dark and let him initiate contact.
You need to let him drive both the frequency of contact and level of emotional connection for what will come to feel like forever. No ILY's unless he says it first. You can mirror but don't escalate, and I might back off on the validation because he probably doesn't believe that you do know how he feels.
FWIW he is probably doing you a favor right now by maintaining some distance as grieving an affair makes them extremely mean and nasty.
Work on being as attractive as you can be and inject some mystery into your thoughts feelings and whereabouts. You are spelling everything out for him right now, make him wonder.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Found out that he still wants her in his life.. No matter how I feel, the damage it is doing, my love is dying and my give a damn is almost gone. Christmas is here and we are supposed to be going to the in laws.. Not sure how that is going to work out as he said he wants to talk and make plans. I am so disillusioned right now. I know for myself that I can't live with the OW in my life. Why can't he that he is destroying our marriage? The damage that he is doingoes absolutely kills me inside? Is he that selfish? The ultimatum did nothing but make him not talk to me, furious, and now he is punishing me. Why do I get all the crap and feel like no matter what I do , I am punished for my actions, thoughts and feelings?
I don't want to give up but also tired of the bs, that he wants the best if both worlds. Why can't they realize it would never work that way? It would be impossible to keep both happy? Why does he think that it is all about him? Never mind the damage it does,not taking in into consideration about our kids and how they would feel .
