Just wanna say thanks for checking out my sitch. I left you a long response-sorry about that
I read a couple of your threads, I feel exhausted on your GALs lol...but it's a good plan. You really mapped it out to weather the storm in your sitch.
My W loves Chipotle, maybe I will surprise her Friday and buy that for dinner.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
HEY JB, Glad to see the positive development. In this season of prayers I will say a prayer for you. Your go slow philosophy seems like the right approach to me, trust your gut, it has gotten you this far. Merry Christmas!
Gunny, always good to hear from you my friend. I hope you had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! And thanks for the prayers and encouragement!
Just wanna say thanks for checking out my sitch. I left you a long response-sorry about that
No worries at all, Newman. I am very sorry I didn't get the chance to reply back.
Originally Posted By: newman7977
I read a couple of your threads, I feel exhausted on your GALs lol...but it's a good plan. You really mapped it out to weather the storm in your sitch.
Sounds like you've been doing some reading Thanks for reading through those.
I'm long overdue for an update. Of course, I have continued to GAL - I really haven't let up on the gas, so to speak.
I'll concentrate on updates on my sitch.
On the Friday before Christmas, I had arranged to meet up with my W to talk. I had originally proposed we continue our conversation from the previous week. I showed up with a different game plan. We just small-talked, listened to each other, and enjoyed each others' company. We had a nice time. It was kind of like a first date or more appropriately like getting together with an old friend. When we got up to leave, my W said something about us not talking about anything we had planned on talking about. I just said I thought about it and it wasn't time yet. She agreed and actually seemed very relieved.
Fast forward to Christmas day. I had my W over for Christmas morning for my S to open his gifts. I upheld our tradition of having cinnamon rolls while we're opening gifts. Pretty much my S was the only one to open gifts. It was not nearly as awkward as last year. She offered to watch the dog while I traveled to be with my family. I stopped by her parents' house to pick up the dog on the way home. I actually ended up staying for over an hour, just talking with her parents and family.
The day after Christmas, it was time for my S to go over to her place. She asked me to meet her because the roads were bad due to snow. I suggested meeting for dinner. The three of us had a nice dinner together.
There was really not much time spent together until this previous Sunday. We ended up meeting for dinner and once again had a nice dinner together.
Up to this point, we really hadn't had any significant discussions regarding the M or the D. Taking things very slowly.
Today I'm at work minding my own business and get an email from my L. She had received a fax from my W's L asking about the status of things. Evidently, my W had not put her L on hold.
I ended up calling my W asking her how I should respond to my L. We talked for a bit. My W had given us credit for getting together a couple of times and having a decent time together. However, she mentioned she really wasn't keen on the "on hold" concept. She also mentioned she did see how we could ever find our way back to each other. She was also asking my opinion.
I think I realized at this point the time was right for:
Originally Posted By: jbnati back on 12/15
We have not yet set up a time for us to get together and talk. I think I'll know when the time is right. I certainly don't want to apply any pressure.
I mentioned I wasn't sure either way. I agreed with her that the limbo is very tiring and I don't want to be just in limbo not making progress one way or the other. I did make a brief mention of Retrouvaille and invited her to check it out, because in my opinion it may help us figure which direction we needed to go with things.
She really seems to be leaning back toward a D. She did agree to get together and have a conversation about things. At least me, I'd like to get a good picture of where she is emotionally. I also feel the need to air it out a bit on where I am. Frankly, I also want to talk about what I want out of a M, what she wants, and to see if there's even a match. We are planning on meeting up after work on Thursday. She was amenable to meeting up, although she didn't entirely see it as necessary. For me, I don't see how there's much to lose.
Hello JB! I hope all is well. How did it go last night?
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Well, I can't necessarily say I got the outcome I wanted from our conversation. I did get a good picture of where my W is emotionally, however.
For most of the conversation, I just listened and validated.
I led off with an executive summary of what I've been doing with my life and what I want in a relationship.
She mentioned all these things I've been doing to GAL ticked her off. She said I was doing all of these things she wished we had done together as a couple. I simply told her I wasn't doing them to tick her off, but I had to make my life count and make it worthwhile.
The conversation turned to where my W is at emotionally. My W is holding on tight to the past and is unable to let go of some mistakes I've made several years ago. Her main complaint against me is that I was controlling. She is perceiving any delay on the D on my part as being "controlling", kind of like my final gasp.
I know I'd made mistakes in the past but I'm not sure I was fully aware of that affected her. Most of my mistakes were along the lines of neglect. Unfortunately, I think the mistakes piled up to the point where she just checked out. The change process in me really got underway about 6 years ago, then accelerated when she left. I think just because my W was checked out at that point, the majority of the changes went unnoticed, especially the deep underlying changes. However, the mistakes still piled up. Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Yeah, I've heard it before, but wow, the magnitude of whole debacle really just struck me.
I think I needed to hear all of that. I wish we had this kind of conversation years ago. However, I don't think I would've been in the position to listen like I did several years ago. I felt horrible the day after, and I'm thinking that may be because I really listened.
As we parted company, I told her I thought we needed to have a another conversation and I also told her I thought I needed to get in touch with my L to tell her we're resuming the process. She agreed to get together this Wednesday and is still on board as of today. I am planning on getting in touch with my L tomorrow - I think it's something I need to do to show her something different anyway.
Out of curiosity jb, did you appologize (to validate) for your part of being distant or "neglectful"? I say that simply because you appear to have better heard and understood her position and perhaps she might have been appreciative of the appology.
I suspect that if my W and I ever had that discussion, the results would be the same. That my W might share how much my neglect hurt her. In the same token, your W is still pointing at you for her hurts (which of course are valid), but unwilling to speak of any realizations of how she may have contributed.
Until she can speak of her stuff, she is still harbouring anger and resentment (as she alluded to when mentioning she was upset with your GAL) and may not look internally for her own growth.
That said, I still think that while it is ok to move towards the D, there is still no need to rush things. Not to hold off the inevitable, rather keep in mind that for both your interests as well as for S, things need to be thought out during the process so no mistakes are made.
Thanks for reading through those.