Righting my Marital ship; 1st stop: Retrouvaille

[angel61]

Honestly, not much. But I think we are pretty quick learners and have learned to apply the principles of dialogue in regular conversation. For instance, we pretty much have learned to just listen to the other person when the topic is touchy, and not make "loaded" comments, or react in a negative way. I think the most important thing we learned is how to keep each conversation "safe". We also recognize it now when the other is treading dangerous ground and have learned to give out warnings...like H would say "where is this leading to..." or I would say "this is being negative again" and we stop and re-assess. It sort of becomes a part of your life after a while and it really does help.

Its hard to keep up with the posts, and inevitably, one or two are missed, but its a good thing that we can make up for it. The SF ones are in Millbrae so that should be good for you!

I'm happy for you too! I've been following your sitch from the start, and am so glad that things are working out. Especially since your kids are still so young.

Keep it up and God bless!

[LITB]

Millbrae is really close. That would be much more convenient than driving to Alameda. I'll let you know if we attend a post session in SF.

[LITB]

I could use some input from those of you who have traveled this road.

Over the last 2-3 weeks, I have felt some distance created between my W and I. I could feel it, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it until last night(ironically the 2nd anniversary since the initial bomb). We had a heart to heart and it was eerily a bit of déjà vu to some degree.

She admitted that she wasn’t feeling it(M/R). She doesn’t know why, because she told me that I have gone above and beyond trying to make things work. A lot of interesting exchanges during this convo. I’ll share what I can remember given that I didn’t get much sleep.

It was at least productive in conveying our thoughts and feelings to each other in a healthy manner without getting heated.

The biggest and most important thing that she admitted is that she believes that she probably has to go back to IC to help her identify the isses(s). I agree. I think a lot of these issues stem from her childhood.

Her parents D when she was 8 and her father walked out of her life for 10 years. Her mother eventually remarried, but then her stepdad got convicted of some serious crimes and was incarcerated for several years. Her mother took her to all of the court hearings and visits to her stepdad in prison. She was very young when all of this took place, so undoubtedly this had to have an emotional effect. What do I know? I am just thinking out loud here.

She told me that she was scared. Scared of the unknown. So am I. I am willing to stand by her side for our M and for our children. At this point, it is a leap of faith.

As for our M/R, the biggest issue for us since reconciliation is what church we attend. Being that I never left the Bay Area since the bomb, I have attended the same church. I have grown tremendously from a spiritual standpoint and they (my church) have supported me throughout the most difficult part of my life.

We were born and raised in different religions, however neither of us practiced our faith for most of our M, so it wasn’t much of an issue. Now, my W would prefer to attend a maga church with a worship band, which I would not have a problem with if I didn’t already have a home church. I have an extremely difficult time turning my back on the very place that has been a huge support for me.

When we agreed to reconcile, I made it clear that my faith is my priority and she will only come after my relationship with God.

I did let her know that I understand if she needs to find a home church for herself. It isn't ideal, but we each have to be responsible for our own faith.

It seems to me that the first issue needs to be addressed, before anything else.

Before this goes on too long. Here’s the thing I need help with. Given this new revelation, the thought of “what would stop her from giving up and walking away again?”. How have some of you been able to overcome this? I’ll admit, it isn’t easy given that I have had a taste of being independent and not having to worry about these issues.

I want to show her love, compassion and support. I feel as though I need to step it up even more. Do more the of the heavy lifting if you will.

Any help on getting her help, would be appreciated. She said that she is willing to go to counseling. I hope to see her put her words into action. Time will tell.

[LITB]

I was tripping and kinda went into a tailspin. Things are much better today after attending our Retrovaille post session.

[angel61]

HI LITB,

I am writing you a reply, but am not yet quite finished. Just wanted you to know that those things happen - that its nto what we expect when piecing, but you've got to hang in there. I will post to you probably later or tomorrow. Good thing that the post session got you back on track....word of warning though.... when the posts end, sometimes you will find yourself hanging, thinking.... what next?

You've got to start thinking now that you will have to have that strength to carry on!

Take care,

Angel

[LITB]

Thanks Angel,

I appreciate it. As much as the difficult times suck, they serve as a good reminder to identify the issues and take action. I realize how easy it is to revert to old habits.

I look forward to your reply.

I have more to add myself and will do so soon.

Thanks again angel.

[LITB]

I must admit that I was in panic mode on Friday.

One of the biggest realizations is what I mentioned about having a taste of independence and knowing that I will be okay on my own. I needed to adjust my perspective. That is really weak on my part. WEAK.

I didn’t come this far to simply give up. My W asked me to be patient. I let her know that I am not going anywhere and I will be a source of strength in whatever she needs me to be.

For the most part, I understand our R/M. It is always a matter of identifying issues and taking action to overcome them. I had gotten a bit complacent and was running on cruise control. Time to take more initiative on leading our M and our family.

This was our first big test since reconciliation. It sukked, but it was a necessary awakening. Thank the good Lord that we had our Retrouvaille post session on Saturday. She did not want to go in. When we got there, we talked a bit and I just opened the door and said, “time to go in”. It was the best thing that happened.

Her demeanor completely changed over the course of the day. It was remarkable. During our open discussion, one person who we have become good friends opened up on his struggles, which struck a chord with my W. Also, the H of our presenting couple has dealt with many of the same issues as my W and he has been a source of inspiration and encouragement.

A little later in the day during another open discussion(I want to point out that this is voluntarily), she opened up and shared her own struggles. I was pleasantly surprised. This took a lot of courage on her part.

Later when we dialogued, I thanked her for opening up and let her know that I was proud of her. I really was. It was a huge step for her.

As difficult as it is to not take things personal, many of the obstacles that stand ahead are personal for her. They are not about me. I will be here for her in our journey. I made that promise.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm glad things are looking better again.

[LITB]

Thank you for stopping by SS. I will visit your thread soon. I needed to get a hold of my sitch.

I hope by updating my sitch with my struggles may be helpful to others. It demonstrates that I am in the trenches fighting my own battles along with everyone else.

We are all in this journey. We are just at different points on our own paths.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Angel,

I appreciate it. As much as the difficult times suck, they serve as a good reminder to identify the issues and take action. I realize how easy it is to revert to old habits.

Coincidentally, my W and I had a horrible week last week too. By Friday, I too was in a panic mode. We had a couple of issues come up. On one, I reverted to some old behaviors that had her really upset. On the second, something happened that reminded her of some old trust issues that she had with me.

Things seem to be better after the weekend, but I really was worried late last week. Partly because she was really upset, partly because I had reverted to some old behaviors, but also because of the question that you ask, ie, "what is to stop her from giving up again?"

It is tough knowing that that could happen. We never know what our future holds, good or bad. I think that we both learned that when our wives left us. But I also think that it is the reality of ever person alive and of every relationship. We just didn't recognize it before.