TJP, I am very sorry to come here this morning and read what your h is now "telling" you to do about the money situation. I don't blame you for going for a legal separation and he's in for a rude awakening when he finds out what he needs to provide to you. I'm going to suggest an idea for you to mull over. You can always have the money garnished from his wages and deposited into your own account and that way you don't have to wait for him to provide you w/a check or him lord it over you to come begging for the money. It's easier and you'll get the check on time.
Your parents want to help you and they feel helpless right now do anything but provide you money. The mlcers don't care who that drag through the mlc bs just as long as they get what they want and when they want it. I'm so sorry your parents had to be there when this happened, but you had your support system there for you.
As for the girls, I can just imagine how angry and disappointed they are in their father. He's just lost the three best people that were in his life, i.e., you and the girls.
Again, I am sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself and ask plenty of questions when you see the lawyer. Do not share the information w/your mlcer until the papers are drawn up and ready for signature.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, it's an hour and a half into my birthday and I am miserable. My Ds and I went to the movies tonight. OD was getting text messages from my BIL throughout the evening. My H has been with him over thanksgiving. Long story short, D wanted me to call her Uncle and talk to him about what happened with me and H. She and Uncle are close, but Uncle is telling her that she needs to make up her own mind and not be poisoned by me about her R with her Dad. D was very upset and didn't want to make the call, but wanted Uncle to know the truth. She believes that her Dad has been telling his family lies about everything that has happened. I called. Pretty much got told what a horrible mother I am and how I am breaking up my Ds' relationships with their Dad.
I was told the details don't matter. Details shouldn't effect how my Ds feel about their Dad. The whole thing is nothing but details!! I told him I do think details matter and was his brother telling him the details of everything? I said the details of H having an affair, not willing to come home and try after he lied to all of us and said he would, abandoning his family, stopped talking to his Ds because they told him how they feel, and then cutting the money off that feeds them. I believe every one of those details effect how my Ds feel about their Dad.
They are both older, not little kids. I talk with them, but I don't tell them how to feel or what to do and not do. I told BIL that until he is cheated on, lied to, abandoned and had his money taken away to take care of his children, then he has no right to judge me.
I stood outside tonight, like I do every night. It doesn't matter how tired I am, how late it is, or how cold it is.....I do it every night. I look up to the stars and talk with my departed MIL. I ask...what have I done in my life to deserve all of this? What have I done to have his/her family turn on me? I have been faithful and have loved her son for 28 years. I thought I was a good person. I am not hateful. I would do anything for anybody. I care. I thought I was a good wife. I think I'm a good Mom. My Ds seem to be happy with me.
I will never understand any of this. I will never understand what I did to have my life turn out this way. I truly don't want to celebrate. My H was always so wonderful to me on my birthday. He would always have a gift that he put so much thought into. This year, he is giving me a living nightmare, my worst dreams.
I am ready to give up. I packed up all his clothes today and put them in the garage. I texted him and told him when he could come and pick up the boxes. He responded that I was being dramatic and did I really think this was good for myself or the girls. I told him he was the one creating all the drama in our lives. I said that this is reality and he wanted it this way...for us to be over.
Yes, I did everything wrong. But, I don't know if I care anymore. The person I fell in love with and had two Ds with is not the person who is making my life miserable. I love him. I always will. But, in my head, I am hearing what he said to me in Sept ILYBINILWY and I'm beginning to feel the same way. This is so confusing for me because I never wanted my marriage to end. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my H.
I'm exhausted. I just don't feel like I have what it takes to ever turn all of this around, no matter how much I want it. I feel like I have made enough mistakes trying to get him to come back to me, that its hopeless. He is a very stubborn man and has his mind made up. Plus, I don't stand a chance if the OW is still in the picture. It seems like she may be,but I truly don't know. I did accuse him of it though, another mistake....I know.
I feel like I have aged at least ten years in the past four months. I'm tired and I feel beat when it comes to having my marriage and my husband back.
Be true to yourself and what you need and it is never the wrong thing. You have made a difficult choice that will ultimately make life easier for you and has likely given you a sense of control over things that affect your life dramatically. Find your power and embrace it. You will discover that self empowerment in doing what you've done is not at all inconsistent with DBing.
My H has been gone over a year. He wanted all his things right away but that was impossible so once in awhile he would come and take a trunk load. The last time I saw him I lost it and ultimately moved the rest of his things into the garage where they still sit two months later. "no rush" he says now. I believe he'd been usin the excuse of getting his things as a way to see me. And now that he knows there's only one time left, he's holding on to it by not coming out. Or maybe my theory is wrong. Either way, heaving him has made detachment possible.
All this to say, where his things are is inconsequential to how this all works out. If it is MLC it's gonna take a long, long time. you've made a choice that's going to help you stay strong.
P.S. his brother sounds like a dolt. Your husband comes by his crappy irresponsible attitude honestly it appears.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Please do not beat yourself up for the 'mistakes' you've made. You are at the beginning of this and I will dare say there are very few of us LBS who didn't make mistakes especially at the start.
It is not too late to start those 180s and DB if you want to. If there was one thing I could get through to the newbies is that MLC is the majority of time measured in years, not months. It takes a very long time to navigate through. Much like it takes a teenager to go from adolescents to adulthood.
You're at the beginning. You must focus on yourself and let your H twist in the wind. It isn't up to you to teach your H life lessons, life itself will do that. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. It is your choice as to how you let his actions, decisions affect you. You control one thing in this and that is you.
Sweetie, as hard as it is you have to detach from him and stop letting what he does, doesn't do spin you so much that you exhaust yourself. Shift your attention to yourself and your precious children. They have to have one sane grounded adult to rely on and at this time, it's you. You have a choice to make, you can either let this empower you or sap the strength out of you.
I know how unfair this seems that it is all laid on you. That's exactly how I felt. As time went on I gained confidence in myself that I could handle it on my own for however long it took.
First of all, happy birthday. I know it may not seem very happy right now, but it is still your day to celebrate. Don't let your H and his antics dictate what you do today.
I understand the done feeling. Only you can decide how much you can take and what is best for you and your girls. Do what is best for YOU!
Even if he leaves, maybe still try your best at some DB principles. The one I'm thinking of is Act, Don't React. You need to try not to act on pure emotion, even though its tough. I'm sure your H is going to continue to pull some sh!t. Be prepared. I like to think of different scenarios of things H might do or say, and how I should respond. This way I'm not caught off guard.
As for your BIL, I don't know if he was always a D-bag or not. In his defense, you KNOW that your H has most likely been telling him lies to look like the bad guy. He has too. He certainly can't tell his family the truth!
And why wouldn't your BIL not believe your H? They are brothers after all. We do tend to want to believe the best about our family. But, as someone once posted on here, reality always comes knocking. I believe this to be true. I think lies catch up with a person eventually, no matter how good they think the lies are.
Good luck and stay strong. You can do this! Thinking of you today and sending positive vibes your way
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TJP, Happy Birthday! I know it's not the way that you wanted to spend your special day, but you have to keep your focus on you and your children.
The old saying that blood is thicker than water holds true especially when the mlcer tells his family what has transpired. However, the truth will win out and they will see what really happened, but it's not going to be for a very long time.
As others have pointed out, we all make mistakes, especially at the beginning. Pack up his things and put them in a room that you don't have to go into and when he comes over, he can take them. It helps many of us to put things away that remind us of them. This may be the case for you as well.
I'm very sorry that your children have been hurt by all of this. They are older and can see more of what is happening. Your h has a lot of life's lessons to learn and unfortunately, he's going to face the consequences of his actions as he blazes a path through mlc.
Just remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Keep the focus on you and your children. Allow God to have your h for a while to work on him.
I hope that you will do something special for yourself today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the birthday wishes. Your support means more than you'll ever know. Strangers who have become very comforting to me are what you are. I couldn't be more blessed to have found you.
Since I've woke up, all I have thought about is the boxes I packed up yesterday. I will probably go down and unpack some of them. I was very emotional when I packed them. I have kept every letter and card my H has sent/given to me for the past 28 years. I have letters from when we were in high school and college. Those letters are in the boxes. Today I am 44 and those days seem so distant. Just thinking about all the things my boyfriend/fiancé/husband said in those letters, reduces me to tears. Where is that man that loved me so much and always made me feel so special on my birthday?
My girls are still asleep. My oldest has to go back to college today. We are both upset about it. I am sitting in my bed eating pop tarts, drinking chocolate milk and taking antidepressants. What a pathetic sight of a 44 year old woman.
I was touched by your Thanksgiving message the other day, being thankful for your H, even after all you've gone through. I understand about the letters. I've saved all o them, too. I haven't looked at them, but I know what they say.
They actually remind me that, as snodderly always says, that I didn't break him, so I can't fix him, and that he has to work his issues out himself.
I hope you find some measure of peace today, and please know that everyone here cares.
