The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

I know CV. The money really is a big draw back but I do have some friends I could have called. I'm just feeling so worthless right now. He called me today and said "Those shoes the kids had, they're in the bin. I brought them some new ones, I don't know if you wanted them or not but they were [censored], so they are in the bin.
I also got S8 a haircut because he really needed one."

He told me last night I need to get off my arse and get a full time job and support my kids.

Apparently I have made him feel like "A piece of S**T for years"

My IC said today that she thinks I was dependant on him. I can see I was. He made me feel guilty about everything. So I stopped doing things without him, then he used that against me.

Honestly, I think I was overboard with him going out with friends because when my kids were a bit younger, I used to go and visit the lady next door. H would come over and yell and abuse me because the kids needed a bath or dinner. It was so embarrassing. It got to the point where I just stopped doing anything. I probably did go overboard because I resented him.

He did encourage me to go out with my friends the past couple of years but the damage was done and going out without him seemed daunting.

I had to buy tickets for my D9 concert today. It takes hours to go them. Last year, I was so anxious because It's on two nights and I had asked him which one he wanted to go to. He wanted me to just pick and I didn't know what to do. His work schedule makes it hard. It ended up that he was home on the night I didn't get him a ticket. He was in a fowl mood the whole afternoon. I end up messaging him that they hadn't even checked tickets. He snuck in and then he was okay.

Honestly, He could be so sweet and thoughtful when he wanted to be but how can I be feeling like this over someone who treated me like that? I'm just so stuck. I just can not imagine loving someone else.

[Soul.Searching]

Also last year at the rehearsal for D9's concert, I realised I forgot my phone. I spent the night anxious in case H was trying to call me. The rehearsal ended up going for a lot longer than I thought. He was in such a angry mood when I got home because I had forgotten my phone.
He also would wake me up, if I was sick and fell asleep. I wasn't allowed to sleep most of the times if I was sick.

What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so badly when I know how he treated me? Why can't I just let go?

[subguy]

It's difficult, getting out with friends and doing stuff will help a lot. Today I am going on a Thansgiving outreach with a Church that is close to me. I am excited to go and get away from this house for a bit. You will feel guilty for going out, but just do it anyway. Get over your fear and anxiety of having a life. After a few times all the negative feelings of going out will start to fade.

Here's my challenge to you. Find minimum two things that you can do away from home and family and do it, then post on my thread how much fun you had. I will do the same if you would like for us to push each other into a life.

[subguy]

Okay SS I did one of my GAL things for this week. It felt fake and I felt alone, however I did it and next time it will be better. We did a Thanksgiving outreach and impacted (hopefully) some needy families. Good thing I had my sunglasses on cause I cried several times thinking about things. This will get easier and it's better than sitting here at home.

[Crazyville]

This is a great approach, Subguy. And with SS being on the opposite side of the world, the alternate time zones should make the relay work great. I'm certain this is what SS needs, and it sounds like you do too, so thanks for stepping up!

[WenikiTiki]

Hey SS! I know everyone says this, but it is true: Things will get better and you will feel better.

Try really hard to not let his every move and word affect you so much. I struggled so hard with that part, still do. But I get better and better at it.

Keep reading other peoples threads, it gives you answers and strength!

Aloha,

Wendy

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks everyone. Subguy, To be honest my first thought was "what a terrible idea" Yeah,.. ummm, It's terrible because I can't see myself actually doing it lol It really is a good idea though, If I look past my own excuses.

I actually do see friends for usually at least half an hour a day, when i don't work. We have a "Mothers meeting" most mornings/afternoons after picking up/dropping off the kids. I went to a friends party a few weeks ago. It's more like driving in areas where I'm not sure where I'm going etc

Well, that didn't happen today, subguy. H was supposed to drop the kids off around 4pm, Well they were knocking on the door by 10:30AM H wanted to use the PC. He hung around for a few hours. At one point we were outside and I went to come back in and H was standing in the door way, He didn't move so I poked him with my finger lol He said " I thought you were coming up to kiss me or something" I said "Why would I kiss you? You don't want me to kiss you" Yeah okay, can we say strange?

I find just being around him my energy picks up. He did come past and slap my arse at one point. Umm, okay. There was no cuddling or anything and when he was going he just said he was going, Gave the kids a cuddle and left. Didn't actually say buy to me,.. Whatever.

So while he was here, my brother called asking if i wanted to go to our other brothers house, they were having a get together. At first I was unsure, I was nearly about to say I will see what happens and make excuses, Then i decided, no I'm not doing that any more. I used to always do that because my plans revolved around H, Well they do not any more and will not ever again.

H seemed a little strange when I got off the phone, he asked where I was going and just seemed a little strange. I'm not sure what to make off that but really, it's none of my business anyway.

So anyway I went to the get together and I did have a few drinks but I found for the most part I was relaxed. Probably more so than when H and I were together. Usually there I would be either anxious if H was having a good time or if he wanted to leave, Or I would be anxious about if he was home from work or where ever and that he would want me home.

Well, we laughed and laughed. There was a few people I didn't know but they were funny people. My stomach hurt and my cheeks hurt. Laughter really is great medicine. I actually went a few hours without thinking about H much. He did keep popping in to my head but I kept pushing him back out. It's hard work but I actually managed it pretty good today. I actually found myself thinking a few times that I hadn't been thinking about him.
It's almost like "OMG, you forgot about H for like 10 mins" LOL

Baby steps right? baby steps for ME. I do find that in general conversation a lot of the things I have to say, include H. I have been not telling those stories but I did tell one today.
I guess that's just normal right? We were together for 13 years, so until further down the track, I guess it's only natural for him to come up a lot in general conversation.

I realised today that I had not forgiven myself. I thought I had but then somehow it suddenly crept back up on me and I was so stuck in the how and why did I do this or that. Feeling so guilty and angry/sad at myself. So I'm working on that again.
I was so stuck in those feelings, that it didn't even occur to me that I had already chosen to forgive myself.

I haven't cried today but that could have something to do with the fact that H was here for a few hours. He turned up unexpectedly and I had no expectations, so it was actually really pleasant.

Thanks, Wendy. It does help to hear that, I just wish I had a time frame lol

Today was a pretty good day.

[subguy]

Well, we laughed and laughed. There was a few people I didn't know but they were funny people. My stomach hurt and my cheeks hurt. Laughter really is great medicine. I actually went a few hours without thinking about H much. He did keep popping in to my head but I kept pushing him back out. It's hard work but I actually managed it pretty good today. I actually found myself thinking a few times that I hadn't been thinking about him.
It's almost like "OMG, you forgot about H for like 10 mins" LOL

Awesome, I'm so happy for you.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks. I really don't know how long it will last but I'll worry about that when the time comes. I know it didn't really count for your relay because it did include family but it really helped. I hope you didn't take offence to me saying about thinking it was a terrible idea at first. It really was only because the thought kinda scared me at first. That sounds so stupid to write but it really did.It was just a wave of what can I do?! lol

To be honest I thought I would get home and cry the rest of the night but I haven't. I can sort of feel the anxiety, just below the surface but for now at least, it can stay there.

We need a "Joke" thread or something around here. Laughter really does help. Like the sun, shining through the storm.

I can have a good life, a good life as a single mother. If only I can learn to let go, to leave the "What ifs" behind and not look to the future. Live for now, Live for the moment and make the best of each and every moment. Live, love, laugh.

Also, I forgot to add in my last post, Good you you, Subguy, That must have taken a lot of guts to step outside your comfort zone like that and your right, it will get easier.
It also makes you think. You said you were glad you wore your sun glasses because you cried several times. So basically you were standing around with a group of people, crying and yet no one around you knew. You really never know just what people you meet are going through. A smile smile for a little small talk, even off a stranger, could have made a big difference to your day. Yet in this day and age, that doesn't seem to happen much.
Sorry, I'm just rambling but I'd say you would have noticed I do that by now lol

[JuneReN]

Hey SS...good for you. 10 minutes without thinking of H is ten minutes about you!! I see 15, 20 and 30 minutes just down the street .

Excuse me for not knowing, but do you have PT job or are you SAHM? Because if not, I would recommend a little part time job..earn a bit of cash for yourself, get a mani/pedi or a couple extra gifts for the babies.

Also, your sense of living for you will increase, because this is something you do for you. It is a GAL, for sure. Even if it is not something you see yourself doing forever, it gets you out of the current mindframe and meeting new people. You get a chance to see how others interact and say "That is what I want to do and hve happen for me."

Yay on getting out there!!