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Breakdown - I read your sitch and there are an awful lot of similarities. In one of your posts you mentioned you read a good book about trust, do you remember what book? That's another issue I've always struggled with, it just isn't a natural feeling for me and I have to force myself.


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I think the answer is yes but is it normal for no response or discussions about situation from W? I think she's noticing some changes because of some comments she's made and her saying thank you a lot this week (doesn't seem like a big thing but I don't remember getting many over last couple years). I'm GAL with things I want to do. I realize my wild party days are behind me so I'm enjoying just reading, hunting again, and playing the occasional video game after kids go to bed. We haven't said a word about marriage or divorce since our Halloween night fight and wasn't sure if this is a good sign or not. I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm not sure she will ever because not her style. She's also the type that once she's made a decision it's done and usually no turning back which is worrisome in this situation.

I am feeling good about me for the first time in a long time. It's nice making myself happy doing what I want and not worrying about what she thinks or letting her moods affect mine. Kids are seeing it also because we've been having an absolute blast. W has actually joined us a couple times which was fun.

Also have a question about Thanksgiving. My mom is having it as usual on Thursday and I doubt right now my W will go. I personally don't want to go because there is always drama that I can't stand (brother and aunts aren't right in head). We usually go anyway as a family, make an appearance, and get out asap. What do you guys think I should do? Take kids down with offer for wife to go knowing she likely won't and she'll be alone on holiday or cook turkey myself and try to have nice, relaxing family day. I'm torn. I would rather just have a Thanksgiving at home with my family but not sure if that's best for current situation???


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

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Originally Posted By: Spartan
In one of your posts you mentioned you read a good book about trust, do you remember what book?


It was The Courage to Trust, but I'd put that as 4th behind the others mentioned. It helped me with negative thoughts more than anything else. We talked a lot about trust and the fact that it's a choice in our Retrouvaille, so that helped too. Still, it's a struggle at times.


Originally Posted By: Spartan
We haven't said a word about marriage or divorce since our Halloween night fight and wasn't sure if this is a good sign or not. I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm not sure she will ever because not her style.


I wouldn't bring it up unless she does at this point.

Originally Posted By: Spartan
She's also the type that once she's made a decision it's done and usually no turning back which is worrisome in this situation.


I know exactly what you mean. My W is the same way. Honestly, I think it's been one of our problems in reconciling, as she feels like she's already made the decision to D and now she has to follow through. But this is where applying pressure hurts you. If you start talking about your M, she'll likely default to D because she's already said it. My W continues to do that.

Originally Posted By: Spartan
I would rather just have a Thanksgiving at home with my family but not sure if that's best for current situation???


If neither you nor your W enjoy going, then I wouldn't do it. Life's too short. Do what you want to do. But don't do it because you think you're doing your W a favor...do it because it's what you want.


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Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Originally Posted By: Spartan
In one of your posts you mentioned you read a good book about trust, do you remember what book?


It was The Courage to Trust, but I'd put that as 4th behind the others mentioned. It helped me with negative thoughts more than anything else. We talked a lot about trust and the fact that it's a choice in our Retrouvaille, so that helped too. Still, it's a struggle at times.


Originally Posted By: Spartan
We haven't said a word about marriage or divorce since our Halloween night fight and wasn't sure if this is a good sign or not. I know I shouldn't say anything but I'm not sure she will ever because not her style.


I wouldn't bring it up unless she does at this point.

Originally Posted By: Spartan
She's also the type that once she's made a decision it's done and usually no turning back which is worrisome in this situation.


I know exactly what you mean. My W is the same way. Honestly, I think it's been one of our problems in reconciling, as she feels like she's already made the decision to D and now she has to follow through. But this is where applying pressure hurts you. If you start talking about your M, she'll likely default to D because she's already said it. My W continues to do that.

Originally Posted By: Spartan
I would rather just have a Thanksgiving at home with my family but not sure if that's best for current situation???


If neither you nor your W enjoy going, then I wouldn't do it. Life's too short. Do what you want to do. But don't do it because you think you're doing your W a favor...do it because it's what you want.


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Sorry, I hit the wrong button on the quote screen. My W is the exact same. When her mind is made up, it is over. Even IF she is having 2nd thoughts, the thought of changing her mind is stronger than the other thoughts.


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Originally Posted By: Grateful
Sorry, I hit the wrong button on the quote screen. My W is the exact same. When her mind is made up, it is over. Even IF she is having 2nd thoughts, the thought of changing her mind is stronger than the other thoughts.


The key is changing her feelings about you. Understand attraction, romance, love and how men and women are different.

180 your thinking get her to chase you. Understand the why of this then figure out how.


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Hi Grateful -
What are YOUR goals, then?
(What do you want, why are you here)

Last edited by dbmod; 11/12/12 01:32 AM.

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Thanks for the posts, over the last week my 180's seem to be having mixed results. I've been happier and more energetic around the house (even when it's the exact opposite of how I feel). I've also stepped up my help around the house. I think before it was a 50/50 split but lately I've been doing a lot more cooking, picking up, laundry, etc... A lot of the stuff I would only do if asked and she's thanked me a couple different times through the week. I'm finished with DB and almost through DR. I started reading LL a couple years ago but didn't make it far so that's next book on list.

Another small victory (for me at least) was Friday she went out with some friends and in the past my insecurities would have stressed me out and I'd have a pity party while she was gone that she didn't want to go out with me (I know stupid but I'm being honest). This time I didn't have those thoughts at all, I just played with kids then did a few things around house and had a nice night. In the past I'd wait up for her and start the 20 question game that never went well. I was going hunting with my son the next morning so said screw it and went to bed before she got home. She got home about 11:30 and I think it threw her for a loop that I was asleep. She came in bedroom and made as much noise as she could getting ready for bed. I just laid there and never said a word. Next day I asked how her night was and that was it.


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

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We went to gym on Saturday and she left one empty machine between us (I was already on one when she walked up). Stupid mind game but for whatever reason I was steaming. Thankfully I didn't say anything about it the rest of the day but my body was sore as hell Sunday because I went a little crazy with workout crazy . She could tell I was upset but at least I didn't start a fight, she obviously didn't say anything about it.

Yesterday morning she had coffee with a friend before church and her friend ambushed her and really laid into her. I saw wife at church and could tell she was upset. I asked a couple little questions and she started talking, I just listened and didn't give any opinions and only said encouraging things for her. Felt bad for her. I was glad that she actually talked to me about it rather then say nothing was wrong. I think that's progress???

Yesterday (Sunday) she had to work until 7:30 so kids wanted to make special dinner. I made up chicken parmigiana, a dessert and kids put together a skit to act like we were an Italian restaurant. She ends up coming home late due to case running over but she seemed to like it. She thanked us, kids mostly. I'm probably a little over sensitive but would have been nice for her to show a little more appreciation because I busted my ass yesterday. Oh well, got over it and didn't affect night, just posting how I felt.

The kids and I are having a great time together and hopefully she's seeing some changes in my behavior. Some are coming pretty natural and others I have to really work at. It's still mind blowing that we don't talk about anything except kids and small talk about her work. Nothing about M and she hasn't asked anything about my life in weeks.


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

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Oversensitive today...

Went home for lunch and forgot wife was there (day off). She was on phone (with her cousin who just finished her 2nd divorce). She didn't hear me walk in and I heard her say "maybe that's why we marry idiots". I didn't let on that I heard anything when she eventually saw me in kitchen and we did our small talk but for some stupid reason it got in my head and I can't stop thinking about it. I know rule 32 but knowing my wife 20 years now I've never heard her talk badly about me with someone else. Obviously we've had our share of fights and I'm on these boards so I'm sure she has (and God knows I've done the same in the past) but I've never actually heard it. I guess ignorance is bliss because I never really even thought about it before; probably due to the inflated ego I had before this sitch. It just sucked to hear it come out of her mouth. I know in big picture it's nothing, I shouldn't let it get to me, and a lot of you guys hear worse daily but for whatever reason I can't get it out of my head this afternoon. The real job is to stay cool tonight when we're home together all night and not make something out of nothing. Just another blow to my already deflated ego. Guess I need to get used to it on this marathon I'm on. Humility is a good lesson I've learned from this experience. This ride has me on such an emotional roller coaster, I feel like I've turned into a woman (no disrespect to anyone, I was just a guys guy with a touch of sensitivity before all this happened).


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

Turn your trials into your testimonies

Don't believe everything you think

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
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