The green green grass of home

[subguy]

SS, I have the same sort of feelings. Anger almost hatred in waves, I think this is a normal part of grieving. I don't know which way I will land, angry at her or not. I'm praying alot and seeking counsel from my pastor, IC and here. I completely understand where you are as I am there, I'm just trying to ride the wave before I say or do something I'll regret later.

I'm wishing you a calm productive day.

[Crazyville]

Soul, I think the key to detaching is in simply not feeling responsible for it, or responsible for fixing it.

Perhaps you can better apply this in a hypothetical relationship. For example, imagine that your neighbor whom you really like has a drug problem. She needs a fix and asks you to give her some money. While you might care for her and sympathize with her problem, perhaps even offer some constructive advice that she should probably seek help to break the addiction, you don't feel compelled to give her money (at least you shouldn't.) You might offer to drive her home, might offer to look up the number of the rehab place for her, but the rest of it is up to her. You CAN'T fix it for her, even if you handed her the money.

This might not be a good example because it might not be personal enough for you. Is there someone else in your life that you can try to apply this to, just to mull it over in your head? I think if you try to apply it right off to something as up-close and personal as your M, it might be too much to bite off. Or at minimum, pick a tiny aspect of your H's actions that you can separate.

It's sort of the idea behind not being so available for your H when he calls or texts. You don't need to be rude and mean, but you don't need to hand-hold him through this either.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Subguy and CV,... I'm really struggling right now. I am out with the kids at a carnival. They are waiting for a ride to start. It's taking ages and I'm standing here all alone watching all the other couples. It's the first time I have ever taken my kids to something like this without H. It's strange and it hurts. I'm trying so hard to put on a happy face for my kids but it's hard.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm feeling slightly better now. I was really struggling at the carnival. Especially when the were on a ride that you go inside and i couldn't see them and it took forever to start. It was so hard standing there all alone. Remembering all the years we went there as a family. I kept my spirits up in from of the kids but at first, there was a few times where i could feel tears welling up.
Not good in the middle of a carnival and with make up on! I didn't let them come though. I was able to stop them just before they spilled over.

I ran in to a mutual friend who was there with his daughter (The same age as D9) and his older son. SO we walked around together and the children went on the rides together. I felt better being there with other people and not just standing there by myself when the kids were on rides.

Standing there watching the huge smiles on my kids faces had me thinking,.. "This is what it's all about" and how we really need to learn to appreciate the little things a lot more,. One day you might look back and realise they were the big things. (I hope that makes sense lol)

H had originally said he was going to come but he didn't end up coming. I got excuses about him not knowing if the kids would fit in the vehicle he was picking up and how he was tired. He was going to be taking the kids back with him but apparently was too tired to drive the kids.

I'm not complaining though. I didn't really want him to come. I did at first but not since the last big texting session.
Also that was a first for me,.. a pretty big one it felt like. H has always came to things like that with us. It was a big step for me to take them alone. It might not sound like one but it sure felt like one anyway.

H called to tell me he arrived home. Umm okay then. That was one thing i used to request of him on long trips. He didn't bother a lot of the time. So why do it now? Whatever,..
He said he wanted to come but was tired (Whatever) and i said "It's okay, the kids had a ball anyway. They had a great time."
I felt a little bad about it after i said it but i guess the truth hurts. I've had a lot of hurtful truths lately,.. he can have his too. Is that selfish?

I can't get his sentence of a song out of my head today. I've actually heard it twice today. Once on the radio and once being sung at the carnival...
"Now your just somebody that I used to know"

Everyday is different at the moment, in the way of how i'm feeling/handling things. I think i am ready to let go now. I'm trying to not think about H so much. It's hard but it's what i have to do.

He broke us, he is broken and i can't pick up any of his pieces. Just mine and my children.

I re activated my facebook tonight. Yes i have seen comments other girls have posted on H's status. Oh well,.. it hurts to see but I'm going to have to deal with it and I'd rather sooner than later. I'm hoping that each time might sting at least a little less than the time before, until eventually i don't feel anything.

I have been getting angry here and there but i don't want to be angry. Anger gets you no where.

I've got a long way to go but i think I'm actually starting to accept things. I thought i already had but i had not, Not to the full extent at least. I think that's why the last few days have been so hard. H telling me he has slept with other W, made the reality come snapping down on me. I feel like i'm going through the acceptance stage all over again. I just hope i am able to really accept it this time.


Somebodyyy,.. Now your just somebody that i used to know,.. Somebodyyyy,.. Now your just somebody that i used to knowwww

[theUF]

Sounds like you're doing good in a not so good situation.
I don't see you respons as rude/hurtfull or anything like it.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks UF. I'm trying, I am slowly but surely realising what you all have been saying. It's funny how we can hear thing and think we get it but then one day you actually think it for yourself, on your own accord and then it finally makes sense, the way it was meant to.


You know about a year ago my Uncle was saying how we can all be in control of our own emotions. How it doesn't matter what anybody says or does to you, you choose how it makes you feel.
I thought he was insane lol I just could not accept that.
He passed away almost two months ago.
Now i think he was right, I'm ready to accept that you can and i so wish he was here, to explain it to me, now i'm ready to really hear him. I'd like to hear his story and how he learnt to get to that stage.
He passed away suddenly,.. i wish i had of had a more open mind about it all back then. I hope he is still around to guide me somehow.

Life is too short to live with this pain. I need to find someway to move on from it.

[JuneReN]

(((((SS)))))))

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand where you are in this. I think DB ing only makes you stronger down the road, simply because everyday you have to work on it instead of saying f#%* it...lol

I think detaching is the last step in this whole process, where you care what happens to the other person and what they are feeling, but it doesn't keep you up nights. It doesn't impinge on your day. You can have compassion and love but you truly see the person as their own person and not an extension of you or something that you have to fix.

I don't know if this is true of even makes sense...but detaching is love without making you crazy lol!,

[Crazyville]

^^^^ Well said, Ruby.

[Arsene]

That sounds good but it s not an easy one to do. I think the trick is to gal as much as you can till your life on your own takes on more meaning than what you ve got now with your spouse. It s kind of like rubbing ice on your wrist to get rid of a tooth ache. You just switch your focus on something else. I think one of the problems some people have is they don t really want to let go of the pain. I know that is true for me. It s almost like if I stop hurting, it ll mean I stop loving her. I know it s not true but it sometimes feel like all I ve got left is that pain. It s like anything else I guess, you ve got to choose to do it before you can actually do it,

[theUF]

Sorry for your loss SS.
I think he's right though, it may not happen over night, but if we work on it then somewhere down the road it will become easier and we will understand that it's okay not to let these actions affect us this bad. That nothing bad will happen just b/c we choose not to feel X or X.