I'm sorry things went the way they did. It is difficult but you must focus on you. Without a good you, the kids will suffer. When we start to focus on ourselves it makes taking care of others so much easier because: we have boundaries in place, we know we will be okay no matter what happens and the confidence that is projected is empowering to others, we become kinder gentler people, and just all around pleasant to be with. Take care of yourself, you are special and worth it.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
He also wrote that he considers me into every decision he makes (hahahahah...im sure) and that he hopes I can recipocate that.
Throughout this whole process, my H would say the same thing. I think it's the guilt of leaving us high and dry.
As to whether he can turn around his feelings, it's possible. Your feelings change. But don't think about that too much. It will only lead you to cheeseless tunnels.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Just got off the phone with H. We never talk on the phone, but he asked if he could talk to discuss kids. (will give details after the build up...)Ever since court, my kids have been very upset at the idea of them having to leave their home and head to grandmas house where my H is living. It has caused great anxiety to them, even though I have told them that it may not be so bad if they go. They are very angry with their dad and have next to NO relationship with their grandparents. They have expressed that it would be different if he had a place of his own.
Last night, my D14 was very upset. She was crying a lot and really missing dad, so she called him. They had a very emotional conversation together about him needing him home and begging him, which gets no where. She is so desperate for him to live here again and although she knows its not happening, she still is having a really hard time with it all. She asked him if she HAS to come with him on weekends to see him and that she doesn't want to. They discussed the S and he told her that right now, things are terrible and bad but that they will get better in time. She will feel different one day and that she needs to look for the good things that may come from our D. (I hate that he tries and tries to make it all sound so normal and easy for them...)
After they hung up, she came in my room sobbing. I asked if there were other things wrong and she said no. I just got the sense that something else was bothering her. She just said things like she wishes her dad would sign over rights to her and her sister and never be in her life again...and that she hates him, he ruined her life, etc. I had a nice talk with her about how we will all get through this and that she is upset right now and saying things she doesnt mean. She cant understand how her dad wont miss the holidays with her and all the fun times with our family and extended family. ETC...this went on and on...
So...this morning, I decided to read her journal to see what else is going on...and I find out that my D14 smoked pot last week and LOVED IT. She also almost had sex with a guy this weekend. Now, I always know who she is with, what she is doing at all times...but obviously, I dont know know the details of what she is doing. Im in a rut now...I feel awful and Im devastated:( She is a straight A, honors student who has never been in trouble or done anything wrong...is this path because her dad left??
I ironically recieved text from H this morning, which lead to him asking if he could call me. H called and I did an excellent job of letting him talk, not blaming, not asking about our R or anything. This is how our convo went....
H says that he made a big mistake in court about support $$ and that he was too generous. He said the even his lawyer said he was too nice to me. He says he messed up and now he has NO money to move out on his own. He is left with very little after paying me and bills that he has...so he will be stuck in his parents house in a room for the next year. (at this point, I wanted to say..that was your choice..but I bit my tongue, as I did a lot during this convo). He then said that he will not force our kids to come there and stay if that is not what they want to do, so he needs my help to figure out what to do with them when he does have them on weekends. He said that he is at a loss, but needs to be with them. (another tongue bite) and he then proceeds to say that he knows I will probably say NO, but he wants to know if there is any way that maybe he can stay here and I leave for a night so he can be with them.
Now, I know that this is not happening, but instead I just answered that maybe that is something I could consider. I was trying to be nice..and not angry and mean. Other things he said during convo were:
That I am parenting the kids so that they will never heal. nicely accused me of telling them that this trauma will stay with them forever. I do NOT tell them that, although I do believe that it will remain with them forever.
That this is just a blip or a speedbump in our lives and they will all soon be better with time
I need to recognize that I have put them in situations that have heightened their sense of trauma (by driving by OWs house)...this I do agree was WRONG on my part and I have advised him and kids that I should not have done that
Admitted that he has tons of guilt because of how sad his kids are
Says that he would be back and living here if he thought for one minute that he and I could work things out, but he knows we cannot.....to that I just responded that I was sorry he felt that way.
We ended our convo and he just said that he had to get to work. I told him to have a great day.
So, I did pretty good with letting him do most of the talking, not blaming or being angry. I must say, there were lots of times that I wanted to yell.."this was your choice" or "you did this to us" or something..but i didnt. I was as cordial as I could be.
I did mention that I was equally upset about d14 but I did NOT tell him about the pot or sex yet. I just want to talk to her again tonight to see if she will admit anything to me. I dont want her to know I read her journal and I dont want H to think that Im blaming him for making this happen becuase he left...
Im feeling confused today...very, very sad over my D and really just lost.
Does anyone have advice on D? and if I should consider letting H here to see kids? I don't think I should have to leave my home for him when he left us. What about him saying that he would be back if he thought we could work? And his guilt...just over the kids? I think its over the whole thing...
Should I tell him about what I read in Ds journal?
Part of me is thinking that he is starting to see what he has lost...and another part of me thinks that because he is now having to stay at his parents for a year, he will never get that "on his own" feeling, so he will just wait until he can do it.
Lots of questions today..sorry..just very conflicted and upset about my discovery and where things could head for my D14:(
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sweetbriar, I'm sure others may not agree w/me, but I wouldn't leave my home for the night just so that he can see his children. It is on him to figure out how he's going to make his visitation w/his children work. As for the error in support money, well...that's his problem and he can get a second and third job to keep him in style while he is supporting is children, etc. He created this mess, therefore, he can figure out how to make it work.
As for your daughter's journal, this is her private journal, I don't think it's a good idea to reveal that you've read it. I think you need to find a way to broach the subject w/her. You do not want her to distrust you and turn away from you, as she has w/her father. Right now, she needs to know that you are the stable one in this family.
As for your h, I would be civil w/him, but after what he's put your through, I would think long and hard to do him any favors. He needs to face reality and the consequences of his actions and you are not his mother to help him figure it out.
BTW, where did he think you would go stay one night a week and especially when an infant comes along? That is so crazy, but I'm sure someone may have suggested this to him.
Don't make promises or deals that will end up hurting you or your children just to keep him happy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Too bad about the finances, but he needs to deal w the consequences of his choices now.
Concerning your D, I wouldn't say you know anything about her journal, but try to be there for her to open up to you to talk whenever possible. She is at an experimental age AND dealing w her dad leaving at the same time. YOU are her rock even if she's not opening up to you now she will prob at some point soon. She's obviously having internal turmoil (aside from the obvious).
Don't worry about your H's accusations about not allowing children to "heal" etc and blah, blah, blah. It's his way of displacing his own guilt and putting "blame" on you.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
And I agree with the others as well re: the journal and D. You need to be the person she goes to, not the one she runs from.
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I do agree that I will NOT let D know that I read the journal. I actually havent read it for about a year...becuase I never felt the need to. I just knew something wasnt right last night. I should also mention that she just leaves this huge 5 subject notebook (journal) laying in the middle of her bedroom floor...so she either wants me to know or just trusts me so much that she can leave it...
I know that the relationship her and I have right now is very important, so I dont want to ruin any of that!
Got another text from H this afternoon..now he wants to know if he can come stay at our house once a week with us and spend the night?
Although this would be great for the kids and him..it would tear me up to have him there knowing he is still with OW at other times. Also, I dont want to give a false hope to kids...BUT..I wonder if it will show him that we can get along and not fight all the time...making him start to see what he is missing??
Im confused.
I sent nice words in an email the other day and was nice on the phone today...does this mean he will want to take take take now??
How do I say NO to the request and still be nice and caring?
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Well, the cake eating begins. If he's divorcing you, the only reason he wants to come there is to have a place to stay w/the girls. Your home is not a hotel.
Before I would respond to that request, I would speak to my lawyer and see what is he would advise. I, personally, would sit on that request for a couple of days and if he asks again, I would be very nice and state that it is not adviseable to do so, as this will confuse the girls into thinking that we are reconciling at this time. I think it would be better if you made arrangements to see the girls elsewhere. If he's got money to burn on the ow, etc., he can find a nice hotel to stay at for the night.
This man would expect you to fix up a room for him and he most definitely would have dinner there and play the disney dad to the end and then go away and then the next time you crossed him, he would treat you like dirt once again. Have you forgotten already forgotten the nasty things he said to you and about you?
My answer would be no...he's a grown man and he needs to work this visitation issue out on his own. Do not allow this many to walk all over you and yes, you would feel bad. You will never heal if this starts up. Yes, if you allow this to happen, he will continue to use you and your kindness up and then spit you out when you are of no use to him any longer.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. You don't want to give your girls false hopes about a reconcilation...your daughters are already having a tough time of it and this will only make matters worse for them.
Don't respond right away...leave it for a couple of days. He really is trying to manipulate you into doing things HIS WAY and he doesn't give a crap about you or how you feel. Sweetbriar, it's time to take back your respect and set those boundaries. He's working you like a musician plays the violin!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just wanted to add what others have said - don't leave your house. Your husband has selected the life he wants for himself, and it's ok if he's not comfortable as he wishes.
But this post very much jumped out at me about the advice not to confront your daughter about her drug use and sexual activity.
You need to let her know you know what she is doing and put her on detention in the home immediately. Obviously her life is upheaval too, and she's just a kid. She needs to know that her parents are her parents - the fact that you aren't outraged will not benefit her.
Right now, she's acting like she's an adult - begging your husband to come home - and doing adult activity. Take the pressure off her. It will be awful and she will tell you she hates you. Tough times.
But now that you know what she's doing, don't you think she's journaling for the very purpose of being found out?
You and your husband better make this your number one priority. Not his wishy washy desires to sleep at home or your confusion. Be the parents.
