Maybe talk to a kids crisis counsellor to sayers what they recommend with regard to your daughter. Once she knows that you've read her diary she will likely bolt emotionally and possibly physically and probably not trust hou for a very long time. None of you need that. Be compassionate and understanding, not punative or shaming. I was in her shoes (although my parents are still together) with regard to the experimentation at an early age. I ended up OK. She needs to feel safe and loved.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
I agree 100% with Snodderly on the boundaries. Do NOT give in to your H and make it easy for him. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions like everyone else in life. It's hard on him? Tough. Not your problem. You know what my H said to me when our S was going to be born? That he could not have him over at his place because he didn't have a crib. Can you see how ridiculous that sounds? Well, what your H is telling you is just as ridiculous. I bring this up because sometimes it's easier for us to see other's sitch clearly and be completely blind about ours.
You need to do so for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. I wish so much to help you avoid the same mistakes I made. I didn't establish boundaries early on and it was so detrimental to MY emotional health and it only confused our young kids even more.
If you let him be in your house, what are you going to do when he starts texting OW in front of you and / or the kids? When he hides in the bathroom or bedroom to talk to her and then comes out to sit down for dinner with you all? Yes, this is what my H did! You need to respect yourself and show your children what that looks like.
Having him come over WILL NOT help you get him back. If he gets upset about this, it WILL NOT make things worse between the two of you either.
A lack of boundaries will keep you stuck and you will not be able to detach. Look at me - I am STILL struggling with this almost two years later. If anything, learn from my mistakes...
Please, THINK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
And speaking of kids, your D is sending off red flags and alarming warning signs that need to be dealt with NOW.
Originally Posted By: knittedscarff
Right now, she's acting like she's an adult - begging your husband to come home - and doing adult activity. Take the pressure off her. It will be awful and she will tell you she hates you. Tough times.
But now that you know what she's doing, don't you think she's journaling for the very purpose of being found out?
You and your husband better make this your number one priority. Not his wishy washy desires to sleep at home or your confusion. Be the parents.
This ^^^^ I could have not said it any better.
I don't know what the answer is re. the journal, but you must do something because she is going down a slippery slope FAST.
Focus on what you can and should. We are here for you and just want to help you out.
You can do this!!!
((((((SB))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Sweetbriar, I am 100% in agreement with greatwhitenorth...you need to speak to a children's counselor to see how best to proceed in working w/your daughter on her drug use as well as any other experimentations.
Your daughter may have been leaving the journel out to see if you would read it. My advice is to tread this walk very slowly and gently. She's very vulnerable right now and is emotionally raw from what has happened.
The first step is to seek out a counselor, speak very openly w/him/her and see what they suggest. This should be your number one priority. Your h and his visitation arrangements cn go to h@ll for now. He lost all rights to what he thinks he can control and manipulate the day he walked out the door.
Keep your focus on you and your daughters. They need your now more than ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sb - snodderly has good advice and I would like to offer another perspective. To wait and walk slowly may work - you know what your daughter is like much more than we do. And my own kids are too young, but there are important children in my life that are around the same age.
You should confront your daughter today or tomorrow, as soon as possible. If she almost had sex last weekend, there's bound to be more experimentation (without going into details making out for most teenagers includes oral/anal "not"-sex.)
I personally think your daughter may yell and scream and go ballistic, but it may be a HUGE relief to her as well if your punish her for the next month. Throw her a rope, let her know you care
Today is Wednesday so the plans in your daughters world are being made right now. No time like the present to give the gift of love in the form of a grounding.
I know this is hard on your and you are in my thoughts. Plus, in a way standing up for your daughter against peer pressure (pot/sex) might give you the strength you need in this tough time.
. (note / I'm posting under the assumption that you are not ok with her actions, some parents are and have no problems with drugs and sex)
I wanted to let you know I had issues with my Xh and that cake eating regards to coming to the house and seeing the kids anytime he wanted.
I did allow him to do it for a while, but I soon decided if he wanted his divorce, then by God we better act like it. I set boundaries and rules and he was not allowed over here unless he was to take the girls to school, drop them off, or there was an emergency. Before he was dropping by bringing them donuts, hanging out in the driveway, picking them up and taking them shopping, while I was at work.
This is part of the REALITY OF DIVORCE. If you stick to your boundaries he will be getting a good taste of it.
Oh and ya, that affair OW.... it's true. Once the sneaking around is gone... the honey moon is over quite quickly. From what I understand my XH's honeymoon has been over for quite some time with OW. She's manipulative, and he's getting one good dose of reality.
I really understand how hard it is for the kids being angry at their father, and the visitation issues. XH shoved OW down the kids throats 1 month after he told them he had a girlfriend which was 3 months after he left. OW can't stand my kids and refuses to speak to them when they're there. They don't feel welcome.
Agree^^^^^. These are some dangerous warning signs and look at your great instincts in thinking something was wrong!
Seek advice from a counselor. If you don't know a good one, contact a couple of the schools for names.
Ya, and on the house thing? No go.. This is your space. The kids and you. It should be a safe space.. Since my H comes here to fix things etc. I have requested he knocks, calls before coming and stay downstairs. I respectfully said I would not wander around your place without being invited so please realize I need a space of my own too.
I think the fact he is at his parents and has no space to call his own is a bit of a wake up call for him and now he is seeing what you have and wants it.
I think the call of cake eating is pretty darn close.
Ahh sweetbriar, I looked back because I though your daughter was seeing a counselor but I didn't see it. She needs someone who is not caught up in all the drama to talk to. Would she open up to your friend? Or get her a counselor. She's a teen with all the crap those goes along with it and now her parents have both gone off the deep end. This is a tough time for your girls/young women, she needs for someone in her corner.
I wouldn't tell her you read her journal, at least not right now. If she said she was getting hammered very weekend and sleeping around, maybe, but not for what she's almost done. It might make things worse between you and right now she needs to have you.
Maybe you could have some special time every week, just the 2 of you.
At some point tho, I would definitely talk about birth control if you haven't already.
Again, we can only control ourselves.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Agree with everyone -- H does not get to stay at your house, and H does not get to renegotiate his support settlement with you -- period.
Enforce that like your life depended on it. When H leaves, his problems are his problems and you are no longer obligated to help.
Detaching lovingly does not mean giving in on things like this -- it means truly feeling badly for him that he made decisions leading to having no money and having to live with his parents. You're sorry for how he is feeling, you understand that must be difficult, but you are not responsible to fix it. That doesn't make you heartless or guilty of anything. You went to court, you made an agreement, now you will *both* live by it, not just you.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yes I agree with Accuray... However I personally am a little more harsh than to detatch lovingly.
Heck I just say they made their beds, now it's time they lay in them!
Yes Sweetbriar, I too got the spew of XH financial issues and it was all my fault. Don't fall for it. It's no different than a small child having a tantrum over not winning a game or not getting their way. It's hard when they spew, but he did start this. This is good you're getting more money than anticipated, Im happy to hear about that.
Yes I agree with Accuray... However I personally am a little more harsh than to detatch lovingly.
Heck I just say they made their beds, now it's time they lay in them!
Yes Sweetbriar, I too got the spew of XH financial issues and it was all my fault. Don't fall for it. It's no different than a small child having a tantrum over not winning a game or not getting their way. It's hard when they spew, but he did start this. This is good you're getting more money than anticipated, Im happy to hear about that.
