That takes courage and strength and I applaude you. Some outsiders see it as weakness, but most know it is far from the easy way out and it takes strength.
My sitch is fresh and I actually made a post 10 minutes ago about feelings of wanting to give up already.
Thank you! And rest assured you're not the only one that has those feelings, I'm sure we ALL go through it! I know I do. Just know that you are going to have all kinds of crazy emotions, often several cycling through in a day. You'll want to quit, you'll want to call W and beg/ plead, you'll want to call W and yell at her, you'll want to just leave W and kids behind and move to a quiet place in the woods somewhere, you'll want to find some beautiful, young new GF with a perfect bod to parade in front of W, etc. etc. Don't fight the emotions and don't act on them, just let them happen and stay focused on your DB'ing and on yourself. That's one of the areas that The Happiness Trap really helped me- in understanding that emotions are not good/ bad but are all just part of our lives; and that we shouldn't fight against them but just let them roll through.
That's one of the areas that The Happiness Trap really helped me- in understanding that emotions are not good/ bad but are all just part of our lives; and that we shouldn't fight against them but just let them roll through
Where is the like button???
Thanks AS for sharing with us. Reading your thread is always inspiring.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
AS, as everyone says around here, it is a real pleasure reading you. There is a determined calm about you that is inspiring and I like your approach to DB. Thanks for your help.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Man, do I know what this is like! I've been living this for quite some time. All I can say is that you're doing well, stay the course.
I also wanted to say in the times I've been lurking recently that your comments to other posters have jumped out at me. I also love your attitude and approach.
Thanks! Yeah, it's tough isn't it? When I read in DR about how fighting couples need to do 180's and gauge their improvements by how much less they fight, or how calmly they can resolve things without fighting, I just think "yeah, but how about those of us that don't fight, how do we gauge progress?" We just don't have those "big" things to measure progress with.
Yes, it is tough! I hear you on the fighting, too. When we told my S last year, it was like he was getting bombed because he said we never fight. Now, I've picked a fight or two worth fighting since the bomb as a 180, LOL
keep_going & Arsene, thank you for the kind words!
jbnati, LOL! We've had a few things that had the potential to be fights, but so far we've managed to work things out quite calmly.
Grateful, not long at all. I hardly ever initiate a call/ text/ email myself, but I get them regularly from W (once or twice a day usually). I'd say the longest we've gone is maybe 24 hours. The vast majority of them are related to coordinating things dealing with the kids.
Journaling update:
GAL- went for a nice lunch ride on Saturday with some new friends. 4 bikes, 5 people. Man it was AWESOME!! I haven't been on a ride with others in 10+ years. We took the back roads and the trees are changing colors. Yellow, orange and red leaves were blowing across the road and swirling around our bikes as we cut through them. One Harley sounds great, but you get several of them together and you can feel the thump thump thump like a heartbeat. It was about a 200 mile trip with a great lunch at a little hole-in-the-wall place in a small town thrown in for good measure. And these were all great people, felt like I was having lunch with old friends!
I also went to a motorcycle show on Friday with an old buddy of mine, that was really cool too!
Nothing, and I mean nothing to report regarding W. Zero progress, zero baby steps, nothing over the past week. We're kind and civil towards each other, but I'm giving her loads of space and she's showing no interest at all. We've been going to D15's performances each week and frankly I think that pushes us together too often. The season is coming to an end so we'll be seeing less of each other soon enough.
I have no idea what W is thinking about regarding Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I'm pretty sure she thinks we'll do our usual family activities together. If she's thinking that, then the email I sent her this morning should throw cold water on that. She has the kids the week of Thanksgiving, so I told her I expected she'd want to take them to her mom's on Thanksgiving day (our yearly tradition) so I would like to have them the next day, then she would get them back for the weekend. In return I told her I wanted them at my place on Christmas day (Christmas falls on the week that I will have them) but that she could have them the day before or after. I suspect this is going to be a slap in the face to her because basically I'm telling her we will not be sharing the holidays together as a family. Not sure how she will react, but it's time for her to face the reality of separation and looming D.
And to be clear, I am not doing this because I want to "wake her up" or anything, I am doing it because I am frankly tired of spending so much time with her. I am doing this for me, I need the time and space away from her just as much as she needs it from me. For that matter I may need it more than she does because she seems to enjoy our time together just fine and she acts like everything is normal.
Right now I'm still at the point of wanting to reconcile, but it's slipping away. I just don't love W today like I did at the time of BD. As we've talked about here and in other threads, love is a choice. Love is an action. Love is something we do, not something that just happens. And when the person we love doesn't love us back, then our desire to love them erodes. When I started this whole process, detachment was hard work, I really had to force it. Now it's become what I want. I WANT to be detached from W. I WANT time and space away from her. I WANT to pursue my own life. I'm ready for her to be less a part of my life. I know a lot of people here are really dreading the holidays without their spouse, but I can honestly say that I'm not one of them. Frankly I'm at the point where I'd rather spend the holidays without my W.
I hope that doesn't sound cold because I don't feel cold towards her, it's just that I can't continue on pretending we're a happy couple that just happens to live in two different homes and doesn't have sex. For me sex is an integral part of marital happiness and so is living under the same roof. Anything less is not a marriage, much less a happy marriage. And I'm not going to tolerate it forever.
Wow. I hear you mate. Somehow, you now feel the way I d like to feel. I admire the fact that you can be seemingly so detached, yet still convey your feelings for your W. You are right. I feel like I ve been lying to myself that everything would be just fine. The fact is, they aren t. The sooner I wake up to that and stop living this delusion, the better. Good on you mate.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It took years for our S's to get to this place and making their decisions and it may take that long to rekindle the flames.
Why did you sign up here in the 1st place?
Yes, GAL and detach so the carnage does not destroy who you are, but hang onto what you believed in, until you are absolutely certain that you have changed your life's relationship goals.
I am learning from your earlier posts and from so many others as well and i dread coming to the conclusion that someday i wouldn't want my W back in my life in a loving and compassionate manner.
I have sunk down to 0% left to give at many stages and each time, said what else have i not tried yet and revitalized my focus on my true original goal.
But, we all come to our own decisions in our own time frame and still need to be supported.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Interesting, W has sent me 4 emails this morning but not one word about the email I sent her regarding the holiday arrangements. I can't remember if I mentioned this in my old thread, but after BD W would respond to any email I sent unless it had anything R-related in it, then I would get no response at all. Once I started DB'ing I quickly learned not to talk about the R, so that quit happening. Until now. I think I threw her for a loop.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
I feel like I ve been lying to myself that everything would be just fine. The fact is, they aren t. The sooner I wake up to that and stop living this delusion, the better. Good on you mate.
Thanks and I am right there with you, I spent a lot of time convincing myself that everything would go back to "normal". But the more time that passes the more I realize that even if we reconcile there's going to be months of hard work involved in trying to build a new R. So there's no going "back" regardless. I can build a new life with W, or I can build a new life on my own, or I can build a new life with an OW. Frankly of those 3 I'm starting to think the first would be the most difficult, LOL!
Originally Posted By: Am I Too Late
Why did you sign up here in the 1st place?
I'm not going to sugar coat it, I signed up because I was desperate and needy. I was convinced I would die if I didn't get W back and I needed to know how to get her back ASAP. But DB'ing has taught me not how to get my W back, but that I invested too much of myself into my M and that I can fix myself and emerge a better, stronger, happier person whether I reconcile or not.
Quote:
I am learning from your earlier posts and from so many others as well and i dread coming to the conclusion that someday i wouldn't want my W back in my life in a loving and compassionate manner.
I don't want that to happen either, but if it does it does. I'm not fighting the fact that I'm losing love for my W. She lost her love for me and has consistently insisted that it will never return. Maybe it will, and if she were to start loving me again I would no doubt be able to start loving her again quite easily. But unless that happens, I have to prepare for life after W. It's not as simple as flipping a switch, I think I'm probably in the first stages of a months' long process of dropping the rope.
And I'm not saying this is the right or wrong attitude for anyone else on these forums. I'm not even saying I'm consciously doing this. I'm not. It's just happening, and I'm journaling about it so that others can read about my actions as well as the state-of-mind behind those actions. Just as my WAW is struggling internally, I too am struggling internally as the LBS. I don't know where her or my struggles will lead us, only time will tell.
What a great place AS....this is what it is about, having the strength to detach completely.
My C knows how I feel about H and she says you are in that grey area, but it doesn't mean that you will be at the beginning forever, there is still a path to travel. While it could end in reconciliation, divorce, friendship, it could also end with the realization that with all the work you have done yourself, that there may be a day when you don't want them back.
I love and miss my H, he was my best friend. It doesn't mean that one day I won't move on.
