Trying not to lose my way in the ultramarathon

[jbnati]

My old thread had exceeded 100 posts, so I'm starting a new thread. It seems like I've been extremely busy lately, so I apologize - I haven't been posting very often.

Here's my old threads:
Continuous Confusion
Trying to love my WAW from a distance
Trying to love my WAW from a distance II
Trying to love my WAW from a distance III
It's a marathon, but where are the mile markers?
Still in the marathon - am I going the right way?
Marathon continues. It is me or is it all uphill?
Where is this marathon leading me anyway?
Still in the marathon - did I miss a turn?
Marathon continues. Where we going, anyway?
Why did I sign up for this marathon, again?
Why was there no course map for this marathon?
Is this really an ultramarathon?
Who designed this ultramarathon course?
Ultramarathon continues...was there a detour?
Ultramarathon continues..will I get a second wind?
This ultramarathon has plenty of hills, no?
How long is this ultramarathon anyway?
Ultramarathon finish line or hallucinations?

Well, it has certainly been a long journey. When I started this journey, my W was on the fast track to D. I think she had a 2 month timeline in mind. FWIW I am 20.5 months into this journey. So if you're new and reading this and don't think you have a lot of time to DB, you may in reality have more time than you realize. For me this started as sprint, turned into a marathon, and it's progressed to be an ultramarathon.

I was certainly given the gift of time. I have chosen to use it as wisely as I can. GAL'ing has become a way of life for me. I have turned to God through this. I have joined three groups at my church, my church softball team, a running group at my church and several other activities. I've been on 3 mission trips. I have joined a couple of cycling groups in my area. I have taken a couple of family vacations and a few weekend trips with my S (minus my W). I have invested a lot of time in my S - our relationship was pretty close before the bomb, but now it's even closer. That's just naming some of the things, not all.

As a result of this, my support group has grown, I've made a lot of new friends and met some amazing people. My relationship with God has flourished.It's helped not only survive this ordeal, it's helped me to thrive. I feel like a new person now. I have the confidence that however this all turns out, I will be OK.

Back on the home front, this has certainly intrigued my W, but as of right now, we're still moving toward a D. We've started the initial settlement negotiations, but it's currently progressing fairly slowly. My W really hasn't made any significant movement back toward me.

So - who knows how this will all turn out?

[jbnati]

Since my last update, I've had a few interactions with my W. There has been a lot of turmoil on her side of the family. We have a niece that my W pretty close to get arrested and get involved with drugs. I followed up with my W last week to see how things were going and just to let her know I have her and her family in my prayers. She opened up to me a bit. She said she had almost called me late Tuesday night of last week because she thought she was having a heart attack. She determined it was likely an anxiety attack. She does not seem to be doing well at all. That being said, sometimes she's able to put up a pretty good facade when I see her.

Update on the D front: My L asked for paystubs about 4 weeks ago and we still haven't heard anything from her L.

Every once in awhile, my S will offer up little tid bits of what's going on on her side of things. Apparently, OM is still in the picture. I don't know what the status is and I don't ask. She sleeps a lot on the weekends. She sent my S into a panic on Sunday because she wasn't responding to texts. Not only did she sleep late, she took a 4 hour nap.

Meanwhile, I continue to live my life. I've been on a handful of group cycling rides, including a couple at night downtown. I ran a 5K with my running group at my church. I took my S to the Trunk and Treat at church and had a great time! I was in charge of one of the games. I'm still going to all my Tuesday night group at my church and my every other Saturday group has started back up. I've been dropping in on my Thursday night Men's group after my group rides, though this week I'll probably be dedicated to Men's group - it's getting late in the season for the Thursday night group rides. I also have signed my S up for basketball, and they recruited me to coach. Of course, once a week I still try to smuggle in Chipotle at lunch at school for my S. Keeping busy.

Tonight is Trick or Treat. It may well be my S's last year to Trick or Treat. My S wanted my W to come down for it tonight. I went along with the invite and simultaneously (my S had her on speaker) invited her to come down. I made a batch of crock pot chili this morning for the event. At the very least, I have dinner covered for my S and me and I've garnered some more experience in cooking for us.

[jbnati]

My W did come down for Trick or Treat tonight. It turned out to be interesting. My W and I were alone for awhile, outside of the kids coming by. My S was out with some neighbors. The weather wasn't that great, it was about 40 degrees and kind of drizzling. However, it was interesting because it was the longest period of time my W and I have been together in a long time. She really got a heavy dose of the new JB that's developed over the last 20 months. I maintained a very upbeat and positive attitude - it's pretty much ingrained in me by this point and frankly, comes pretty naturally. My W asked me on more than one occasion if I knew the people I was just being friendly to and the answer was they were just strangers. She made a few remarks about all the friends I have now - she's recognized that. Other than that, it was a lot of small talk between the two of us, nothing heavy at all.

My S was done Trick or Treating about 1 hour in probably due to the weather. That left the three of us passing out candy together. It was kind of weird TBH. It was a little bit reminiscent of when we were still together and we all got along well.

Toward the end, we had the chili I had made this morning. I made some brownies for dessert, too. My W liked the chili and complimented it and enjoyed the brownie, too. I had fun preparing everything this morning, so it was fine with me.

I'm not sure what, if any, effect the evening had on my W. I'm also not sure of the impact it had on me. I'm expecting some sort of a pull back, but then again, I think she's even growing weary of the pull backs.

I'm willing just to let it ride and see where it goes. I don't have any really big expectations. TBH, I'm not even sure what I want at this point. I'm really enjoying my new life I've gotten for myself and I don't want anything to drag me down.

Enough rambling for now.

[NTX_Dad]

jb - good to hear from you.

Its interesting to hear our observations about your W. Compare that to your new life. What a difference.

I noticed some of those things in my W when we were apart. I sometimes felt a "calling" to intervene, but was advised (wisely so!) to leave her alone and let her figure it out on her own.

I loved her and wanted to help but that would have driven her away even more.

It's quite a dilemma. The important thing is to "keep on keeping on" and taking care of yourself and your S.

[jbnati]

Thanks as always for stopping in NTX.

I loved her and wanted to help but that would have driven her away even more.

I know EXACTLY what you're saying here.

Its interesting to hear our observations about your W. Compare that to your new life. What a difference.

I think one of my biggest fears has become one of going back to the way it was if we were to ever R. TBH, I think she finds the new life attractive, but she would have to be on board with it. When I get anxious about the prospect of losing the momentum on the new life, I remind myself that, as far as I know, she still wants a D. In a way, that calms me down. It's not that I want a D, but I defintely don't want to go back to the old life.

[Denver_2010]

Hey JB! Nice to hear from you. One thing that you said in your most recent update was that you are not sure what you even want at this point.

Is that something that you are trying to figure out?

BTW, thanks for you support over on my piecing thread!

[jbnati]

Thanks for stopping by Denver!

One thing that you said in your most recent update was that you are not sure what you even want at this point.

Is that something that you are trying to figure out?

Well, I think it's more accurate to say I know what I want, but I'm not sure my W would be able to get with the program if she even showed an inkling of wanting to come back - which she hasn't really shown me, BTW. I know what I want out of a M and if my W would want to come back and would be on board with what I want out of M, I'm all for it. However, I am absolutely not willing to sacrifice the new and improved JB or the new life, just to have her come back and things regress to the old life. Today, her coming back isn't a realistic concern anyway - I think it's just me trying to look at all angles of what could happen.

BTW, thanks for you support over on my piecing thread!

It's a privilege.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for stopping by Denver!

One thing that you said in your most recent update was that you are not sure what you even want at this point.

Is that something that you are trying to figure out?

Well, I think it's more accurate to say I know what I want, but I'm not sure my W would be able to get with the program if she even showed an inkling of wanting to come back - which she hasn't really shown me, BTW. I know what I want out of a M and if my W would want to come back and would be on board with what I want out of M, I'm all for it. However, I am absolutely not willing to sacrifice the new and improved JB or the new life, just to have her come back and things regress to the old life. Today, her coming back isn't a realistic concern anyway - I think it's just me trying to look at all angles of what could happen.

BTW, thanks for you support over on my piecing thread!

It's a privilege.

THere needs to be a 'like' button here.

[jbnati]

Well, anytime my W and I have been together and we've had a somewhat decent interaction, there is almost always a pull back. It looks like my W had at least one more in her. She texted me early on Saturday evening saying we hadn't talked about the dissolution for some time now, and that she thought when I hired a L, that things would start moving along. She said she has contacted her L and that allegedly my L is not responding. My understanding was we have been waiting on her for 6+ weeks. I let her know what I've heard from my L. I just left it with her I would call my L today.

I also found out from my S that the OM and his S spent the entire weekend over my W's house. I'm just angry for my S. TBH, though, knowing that makes it a lot easier to be sure to call my L today. It also kind of shines some light on why she chose to do the following early on a Saturday evening. On top of all that, my S really doesn't like OM nor does he like his S. He calls them idiots while chuckle inside and don't say anything.

There WAS some good stuff mixed in this weekend. 50 mile group bike ride on Saturday morning. There was my community group with my church on Saturday night. I met with the prayer warriors at church on Sunday, went to service, and then went to the Student Ministries service.

Where does this leave me? Well, after that strong push back, TBH it pushes me away. I am seeing some nice possibilities in a potential relationship with someone else. I am seeing a huge contrast between the life she's living and the life I'm living at this point. She has verbalized to me, too, her observations some of those positive benefits of the life I'm living. She's said I seem happier, and she's remarked several times on how many friends I have now. Like I've seen it said here before, if she wants to come back or work on the M, she's going to make it abundantly clear - it won't be subtle.

Oh well, enough babbling for now.

[gunny]

Hi JB,
Found your new thread, looks like you called it, a slight pullback, but you are still hanging in there. How is the biking going in this weather?