The more infected, the more painful the treatment.
You have my support.
Me too Ad. And all my admiration.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Many hugs to you adinva. Writing it all down helps with the recovery. I'm glad your able to discover all this during IC. Now how will you work on the passive aggressive behavior? How will you raise your children to know that their father's behavior is not appropriate for a husband?
Recently my mom said, moms teach their boys how to be men. She says this because the men in our family aren't around much. How will you teach your boys to be men?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I'm so blown away by your post Ad. On one hand, it breaks my heart to hear a lot of that history because I can relate to it. On the other, it's really inspiring to hear so many realizations and so much growth.
I described how with my emotional limitations I felt H a kindred spirit with his own emotional limitations, and I thought we'd somehow just sort of "grow up" together. When it didn't happen, and my needs weren't acknowleged or met, I leaned on friends and avoidance to maintain my cheer. I resolved that marriage was forever, better or worse, and he was mine and I was his, flaws and all. But when he started to give all his fun outside and bring home all his crabbiness, that deal started to sour. When later he started to chit chat and enjoy company and provide support to a particular woman I was devastated - because that meant he was capable of it.
Completely identify with this. Take care of yourself. Reading your thread brought a lot of unresolved stuff up in me. (much needed, so thank you). But I'll save that for my thread.
You continue to do the work you need and recognize behaviors that are being set for your sons that will not be helpful to them. It will be hard to counter-act that example but I believe it is possible...just not sure how to do it yet myself!
Hope your week goes well.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I was so "AFRAID OF DIVORCE" (do you hear me PON?) that I was willing to stay silent, and watch H's behavior, and not bother him with pesky deep questions, and if he just simply didn't leave me, then that was enough for me. How pathetic is that? Wasn't I worth more? I was so afraid of blowing up my life and my kids' life that I was willing to not even be LIKED very much by my H.
And guess what. After almost 10 more years of not really very good marriage, almost completely downhill from that point, HE asked for a D anyway. And after almost 2 years fighting that with DBing and counseling and studying, I have realized I can't stop him if that's what he wants. You can't unilaterally stay married. He hasn't filed the paperwork yet but he has 100% divorced me emotionally, long ago.
My best friend from high school and college lives in another city and we talk maybe a couple of times a year at most now, though always a lot more around the regular high school reunions because those are a good excuse to get together and catch up. I haven't said boo to her in at least two years now since the normal time lag turned into not wanting to share a potentially changing situation, to now where it's just silly to keep waiting to communicate with her. So I sent her an FB message and she called me.
It was weird. I felt very grounded and confident. Sad about how this is going but not at all regretful about how I've handled it since it came to light. I feel good. (Well, today.)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
When later he started to chit chat and enjoy company and provide support to a particular woman I was devastated - because that meant he was capable of it.
This was definitely the most painful part in my sitch -- caring behavior that I assumed W was just incapable of was demonstrated for another but not for me.
It tortured me for quite a while.
MC taught me that W is NOT capable of it in a *real* relationship, only in a fantasy one. Probably also true of your H, it's not that he's withholding from you what he could otherwise give, he is incapable.
The fact that you saw it with OW was because OW did not come with responsibilities or a long term commitment. He had the opportunity to swoop in and be romantic and heroic when he needed to feel that way, and when things were difficult for her and he didn't feel like dealing with it, he didn't have to. There is no real commitment there, just two people telling each other how wonderful they are, and falling in love with the imagined image of the person rather than the real thing.
Longer term he couldn't have delivered that to her either Ad, not until he does the work on himself to be able to go there for real.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
When later he started to chit chat and enjoy company and provide support to a particular woman I was devastated - because that meant he was capable of it.
This was definitely the most painful part in my sitch -- caring behavior that I assumed W was just incapable of was demonstrated for another but not for me.
It tortured me for quite a while.
Ad, Acc -
I too have struggled so very much with this issue and still do - everyday. It doesn't help our self-esteem and I'd like to believe what Acc's therapist says - but I know my H is capable, because I have seen it.
It makes me think that perhaps he is right and we are just not right for each other or that I simply could not bring out the best of him...
I hope both of you are doing well today.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
When later he started to chit chat and enjoy company and provide support to a particular woman I was devastated - because that meant he was capable of it.
This was definitely the most painful part in my sitch -- caring behavior that I assumed W was just incapable of was demonstrated for another but not for me.
It tortured me for quite a while.
Ad, Acc -
I too have struggled so very much with this issue and still do - everyday. It doesn't help our self-esteem and I'd like to believe what Acc's therapist says - but I know my H is capable, because I have seen it.
It makes me think that perhaps he is right and we are just not right for each other or that I simply could not bring out the best of him...
I hope both of you are doing well today.
Sometimes, somehow or somewhat they just get "done". It may have been seven year itch, it may have been drinking and hanging at the bars with single people too often, it could be they wanted more excitement in their life and you where too "stable", it could be anything.
Xo