month 4

[Mrs D]

Happy Friday Carnac, and enjoy your weekend!! I am smiling ear to ear still because God is helping so so much. God is good!! As we see it everyday. Take care.

[Carnac]

Thanks MrsD and Labug....hope your both doing well on this Friday.

[Carnac]

Got a little of the 'buyers remorse' I thought I might see this evening. I'm not sure maybe its mind reading but we interacted quite a bit tonight trying to figure out what my son was going to do and how she was going to get him to me and she gave me more than one subtle 'dig' that was intended to make sure I knew we still were 'done' I think. Anyway, just wanted to get that out of my head and on here.....not going into the whole story now and going to admit that she sent me realing a bit...but at the end of the day its to be expected.

[Arsene]

Yeah, remember how far you've come and how far you still have to go. It's to be expected as you say.

After all the good interaction I've had with W lately, she's now given me the NC for the last few days. She even texts and calls the maid to ask about D8 instead of contacting me. It seems she is making a point of purposely not contacting me directly. It's fine by me. I was planning on doing that myself anyway. That's why we need to be detached. So that these slight changes (or non-changes) in their behaviour don't affect us.

You seem to be doing fine, despite the fact that it did get to you a bit.

Have a nice weekend.

[Carnac]

Thanks Arsene....im doing ok...probably better on the outside than on the inside but im ok. I can still wake up this morning and smile knowing that my life is full of good things. And your exactly right about them going NC and doing things somewhat specifically to let you know where they stand.

Somewhat like you saying your wife has been calling the maid...mine made sure twice yesterday to mention my mother by her first name I thinnk just so I know where her mind is I think....

Keep the faith Arsene....we're gonna come out of the other side of this thing so much better men.

[Beardown]

Hi Carnac, I have enjoyed reading your post. You have given me hope in a very dark time in my life. It's amazing how you wait so long for a sign of life and then in a blink of an eye they can take that away from you. Don't let your W take that happiness away that you have worked so hard to find. Stay strong brother.

[Carnac]

Just as a warning this will probably be long because i've had alot on my mind as of late and want to get it out. I read the post in Rough's thread from 25 and it just spoke to me beyond belief, its probably been my biggest struggle so far and im just not sure how to move past this. Fear is such an intense feeling...that and the fact that my wife is 'alien' to me right now. I truly believe its MLC but even knowing that and being intent on loving her through it there are many times I question why I would even want to have a relationship with someone who obviously isn't who I thought they were.....I pray its temporary insanity because if this is who she is i've been deceived for too long.

My two biggest fears are that i'll never be able to find someone with all of the incredible qualities my wife has who would be interested in someone with all of the incredible flaws that I have.

The second fear is that someone else will have more input and influence in my sons life than I will. Maybe this is my biggest fear...and for certain the biggest source of any anger that I harbor. Feel free to blast me on this if you must but for me to be honest it has to be out there. I see many of the LBS who are women who can't believe that their husband could walk away from his wife and kids and I'm right there with you because it is absolutely beyond me how someone could do that....but when the men walked they at least had to consider all of this.....my belief is that when the walk away wife leaves she only considers life without her husband....she rarely gives consideration to a decreased role in the lives of her children b/c history has shown that she will most likely retain custody of them.

I don't say this to start some huge debate on fathers rights or to seem sexist....but it is a fear I face as I go through this process. If I were to walk away from my family and then file for divorce and try to obtain custody of my son I would have almost no chance, yet this is what my wife has done and there is still a much better than average chance that she will be granted custody if we end up in court and i'll be forced into 'part time dad'. And yes I know you can have joint custody etc...thats not the point, the point is that I want to raise my child each and every day of his life and there is a chance that will be taken away from me and nothing I can do to stop it.

I also question who she is.....alien invasion is right...but even knowing that it sometimes will lead you to think that maybe this is 'really' them and the other was an act. When we had a discussion about how things are right now and it looked like things might start slowly moving toward improvement I was still incredibly disturbed by some things....most notably that she had 'her son' (my step son) are happy right now so she doesn't want to upset that....she actually said she didnt know if 'our son' was happy or not...but she really didnt seem to care, and obviously I don't matter, so the fact was that 2 out of 3 of them were happy so she didnt want to really change anything.

I have tried so very hard to move forward, and im going to brush myself off and continue that, but its been a rough couple of days...not because she pushed me away after we had a really nice talk last week, that I was expecting. But more because i've reflected on the these last few months and her actions and it is becoming increasingly difficult to not be bitter and to leave the door to R open.Has she become someone I dont know...or was she someone I didnt know and im just opening my eyes to it. I can say with no uncertainty that who she is today is not who I married.....I pray she wakes up....for our sake, for our kids sake...for her sake but im so afraid that she wont.

[Mrs D]

Carnac,
As Im reading what you are going through, I can tell you I am dealing with the same thing. Even though X and I are divorced, he is NOT the person I married. Last Monday, we had a HUGE argument again because he is yet again putting GF in front of C by not calling him all weekend. X then called him Monday morning and C started crying. X doesnt see what he is doing to him son. Not only does C not have his Dad in his life 24/7, but now his Dad is not making an effort to reach out just even 5 minutes a day just to tell him how much he loves him when he doesnt have him. This is not the person I married. And it just frustrates me because C is still having a hard time understanding and dealing with this all.

That being said, I think its possible that I put X up on a pedistal and didnt see alot of his faults. OR if I did see them, I pushed them away. Could this have been the same person I was married too? And why would I want him back in my life again knowing this isnt making me happy now. I dont know. But I feel your pain Carnac.

[Carnac]

MrsD: Its an interesting dynamic to say the least. Its just something thats been on my mind as of late....am I seeing the real thing now, or is this the alien? I hope someday your X decides to make his son a priority....they truly delude themselves into thinking the kids are ok no matter what.

My wife honestly said that she and my step son were happy and she didnt really know about 'our' son but that he would be fine. Seriously? She didnt know if he was happy or not, and worse yet it really wasn't a priority to her. Mostly she doesn't know whether he's happy or not because she hasn't asked him, or listened to him when he tries to talk. He will be 12 years old in 2 weeks its not as though we're dealing with a child who can't really express what he's thinking or feeling because he can and does readily if you'll ask him how he's doing.

Anyway, guess thats the end of todays rant....I pray for her daily, I pray for me daily and I pray for both of my boys daily and I trust that im doing the right things to help myself and my son's through this the best I can. That and prepare for the worst....my diary and journal are very specific about who did what when as it relates to our son....although I always believe its a long shot for dads i'll be fighting like crazy if thats what it comes to. I could not and would not try to portray her as a bad mother simply b/c she's not, but I will do everything in my power to prove that my son's life will be less upset if he stays with me

[Arsene]

D8 told me she doesn't like her school tonight. I was happy she chose to open up to me about it. She says the classes are ok but she doesn't really have any friends there anymore. Some of the kids got her friends to stop playing with her for some reasons. I don't know if it has anything to do with me and W being separated. I know that people can be very judgmental around here and I'm sure the word is out among the teachers and the parents.

D8 also told me she would like to go back to either the country where we lived last year or to my own country which we were visiting when I got BD. When I asked about mommy, D8 simply said that she's never around anyway and when she is all she does is play for 2 minutes and then she sleeps, eats and takes a shower. I guess W's boarding house doesn't have good beds and hot water. D8 asked me again why mom was doing that. I couldn't tell her the truth that W is seeing OM. That's for W to do. I simply said that same old story, that mom needs time to figure things out and that we need to be patient with her. I also told her that if she wants more answers, that she could ask her mom. I'm not sure that she will or that W would tell her anything anyway but it's her responsibility to do so IMO.

I told D8 that we'd go to the cinema tomorrow. She seemed happy about that so we'll have a good day just me and her.

I don't know how a woman, a mother, can become this way with her kid. It just doesn't make sense. I wonder if she even knows how D8 feels.

I know and totally understand what you are saying mate. I feel blessed that I stuck to my guns and managed to keep custody so far, as it simply looks like W couldn't care less at times, and I can't believe that.

I guess the thought which crosses my mind often is how we all make sacrifices for our kids and how people often say they would give their life for their kids. What a small sacrifice and gift of her life it would be to get off her newly-found "teenage" lifestyle and come back to a family which although not perfect, was never abusive and negative.

Maybe we're all around the same stage in our sitches and that this is a common feeling which is felt at this stage.

Hand in there mate.