AnotherStander: Thanks for the comments....we're 4 months into seperation and most of the time I do very well with it, it seems as though in the last week or so my attitude has turned south and im trying my hardest to keep that from happening. I want to be positive, and I certainly want to continue standing for my marriage but seeing no steps at all in the last few weeks has made things especially tough on me.
Your post is encouraging and although its nothing I haven't heard before its certainly something I needed to hear right now. Your right she has rewritten history and possibly still needs time to miss me, to miss us, simply to sort out whatever it is she's trying to sort out. Again, thanks for the positive post, its really what I needed today and i'll continue moving forward with a smile on my face.
right now I just dont see how its ever going to work out
It'll work out, maybe just not the way you want it too. That's why letting go of outcomes is so important, not easy but important.
The think to ask yourself is "What have I gained from this?" I know you've lost a lot but what have you gained? Write those things out, pat your self on the back and then keep working on you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You have to look at the good stuff you've got mate. Listen, a few weeks ago you were sure she'd file for D after the elections and now, it's been over a week, no? Has she filed? No so far.
Listen, it's normal to get the slumps once in a while. Just know that tomorrow will be better. Look mate, you and I have been at this for a relatively short time considering the timelines of success stories around here. I think the average is 18 months to 2 years and we're what? 4 months in? Give this time mate. Go read the sitches of the vets who have succeeded and figure out where they were at 4 months. See how things have improved for them.
If things aren't getting worse, in my book it's good. Keep it up mate.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
AnotherStander: Thanks for the comments....we're 4 months into seperation and most of the time I do very well with it, it seems as though in the last week or so my attitude has turned south and im trying my hardest to keep that from happening. I want to be positive, and I certainly want to continue standing for my marriage but seeing no steps at all in the last few weeks has made things especially tough on me.
I totally understand, but it's usually when things seem darkest that suddenly a ray of hope shines through. Denver's story is a great inspiration because he had taken to calling his W "STBXW" because he was so convinced it was over. He totally dropped the rope and then -boom- instant turnaround from his W. It's stories like his that keep me going, it just goes to show that miracles do happen!
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Your post is encouraging and although its nothing I haven't heard before its certainly something I needed to hear right now. Your right she has rewritten history and possibly still needs time to miss me, to miss us, simply to sort out whatever it is she's trying to sort out. Again, thanks for the positive post, its really what I needed today and i'll continue moving forward with a smile on my face.
Excellent, sometimes a PMA adjustment is all it takes to make things look totally different And there's nothing at all wrong with getting down now and then and coming here to talk about it. That's what we're here for, we can relate like no one else. We're all going through this together and thankfully when one of us is down a few others are up enough to lean on. We take turns leaning on each other
It'll work out, maybe just not the way you want it too. That's why letting go of outcomes is so important, not easy but important.
Totally agree with labug on this one. I think that my faith strengthening has really helped me thru this whole process. I remind myself all the time that God has a plan and while it may not turn out the way I want, or in the time frame I want, there's a reason for it. It could be I'll touch someone else during the process that will need it, or maybe it's showing my kids something they will need later in life, or so on and so on. I trust God, and until I see his plan unfold, I'm just going to do my best one day at a time.
MrsD: Things are good, thanks for checking. Nothing new on the home front....she continues to act as though I don't exist and I continue to smile and love her regardless. I know she's trying to 'detach' from me and feels as though she must because her shrink told her she was co-dependent and apparently in her world that is always a bad thing. Obviously I think too much of it can be a bad thing, but I guess im of the belief that humans...and more importantly spouses DO need one another and need at least some co-dependency in their life. Anyway, its nothing at all that I can control, but I know for a fact that she wants to detach from me as possible and she's doing this by basically acting as if I don't exist apart from helping her create a son I guess.
I don't really know its been a pretty weird ride the last week or two. On the one hand I really feel good about me in general, on the other hand im not sure anything i've done is making any difference to her and I dont have any idea where to go from here. I've tried really hard as of late to not let bitterness and resentment set in....I can feel those two demons working on me pretty hard right now. Not because she's not necessarily willing to try and save our marriage, thats really her choice to make, but more because of the way I feel i've been treated in the 4 months since we split up...I guess I feel like 15 years later I deserve to at least be treated cordially.
I guess its part of her detaching im not really sure, but she's been extra distant and cold toward me. Other than very brief interactions about our son we haven't had a conversation in over a month. Nothing more than hello how are you...and even that isnt very common. Saturday my son had a football game and as they were leaving afterward she said see you later or something like that over her shoulder and that was the complete extent of our interactions.
Maybe I shouldn't care, but it has and does bother me that it seems as though its been so incredibly easy for her to be done with this....im sure she would say differently that its built up for years....and I know about mind reading and all the rest I welcome the 2 x 4's because im stuck. Im in no mans land....I really wanna stand for my marriage and I really want to put my family back together and in the same breath...im really lonely for someone to give a crap about me. I can get by without sex....I can get by without anything physical....but im really struggling with not having anyone to care about and to care about me. My best friends wife and I talk occasionally and I really enjoy it, but I dont wanna enjoy that too much for me or for her so I try to limit that all I can. I've thought of asking someone to dinner, but I don't know how that would work...im married. I dont mean to sound so woe is me and melancholy because I know so many of you have stood for much longer than I have....im more looking for how the heck you made it. Im doing well with GAL and working on me etc....but how did you get by without intimacy? I've got friends that care don't get me wrong, and i've got family that cares...but i've always been one who wants to have someone to talk to daily....to go to dinner with....to just know is there if you want to talk.....
Where you at Denver? How did you get through this part?
I'm not going to lie to you, I spent the better part of 18 months being very lonely. I mean, I had my friends, met new friends, made myself do fun things, but most of it felt pretty damn empty.
I made it through that by maintaining KNOWING that I WOULD make it through it and that nothing that I was going through was going to kill me or be the end of the world. I made it through by maintaining hope that I would reconcile my M.
A story that I heard early in my separation always came to mind when I was particularly miserable:
"There once was a man who was sentenced to 25 years of backbreaking labor. His wrists were tied to the handle of a huge wheel that was inlaid in the wall. His job was to turn the wheel 10 hours a day.
For years, day in and day out, the prisoner would wonder what he was doing with this wheel. What was the meaning of his work? What was on the other side of this wall? Was he grinding grain? Pulling up water? Moving some sort of conveyor belt?
For 25 years he contemplated the meaning of his work, and for 25 years he spun that wheel. It was grueling, but he survived.
When his sentence was complete he was released from prison. The first thing he did was run to the other side of the wall to see what he had been doing all this time.
What did he see?
Nothing!
There was nothing attached to the wheel. For 25 years, 10 hours a day, he was spinning a wheel for absolutely no purpose. When the man realized his true sentence, he collapsed and died.
The prisoner was able to survive 25 years of backbreaking labor, but when he realized that it was all for nothing, he couldn't survive for another moment.
So what's the difference between pain and suffering?
Pain has a purpose.
Suffering is true torture because it has no meaning.
Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is devastating.
Ask any woman about child labor. How was it? Would you do it again? Most women will answer: It was painful, but I didn't suffer. I would do it again.
This is the key to surviving marital problems and making it through to a new love and peace with your spouse.
If you think there's no purpose to your emotional hurt, you'll just want out. You'll run from your kids, your responsibility, your vows...you'll run from it all just to get relief from an unbearable suffering.
But if you can come to understand why you're in this situation, then you'll succeed to make it through like a woman in child labor.
Why is this happening to you? What are you supposed to be learning from all of this? Can you see how your marital problems are really an opportunity for you and your spouse?"
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Wish I could say that I came up with that! LOL! But it was one of those things that I read and kept close to me for a very long time.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver: Thanks for the story. I appreciate your candor about your situation....some days are better than others that is for sure. I've got incredible friends, i've got a great family around me and people who are so encouraging and understand what im doing and why so that helps alot. What it does not do is help me to overcome the loneliness when it hits so I come here and write about it with those who can commiserate with me and understand what im talking about.
Im not even sure I can always understand what im trying to talk about when I talk about the loneliness, I think its physical touch, a knowing glance, a smile for no reason...those things that you simply can't get elsewhere. And obviously somewhere in the mix is sexual touch...but if I were honest I would say that as high as that used to rank with me right now its much lower on the scale of things I miss about marriage.
So lets talk about things learned and blessings on this Friday so its not a downer day because im smiling, the weather is gorgeous here and life is good.
I think the most important lessons i've learned or am learning is patience, selflessness and whats truly important. What was I before? I was selfish as a husband, with money, as a lover, as a friend. I worried about me first and if there was anything left then others, I had no patience for anyone not acting the way 'I' thought they should and used anger and general j@ckassery (my word LOL) To make sure that I got my way. I can tell you that as much as I pray my marriage works out, im at least glad that going through this has killed the old me and made me re-examine my life.
I measured worth by what you 'did' not what you were, the scorecard was net worth, influence and social standing, and I was much more worried about image than authenticity. It was a house of cards if there ever was one. Today I smile, im learning empathy, I put others first and now its genuine, not when it suits the image im trying to portray. My son and I are closer than ever, my God and I are closer than ever and I actually like me more than I have in a long time. Its amazing because before I was always considered confident bordering on cocky but that was the biggest shell game around because it was used as a mask so no one would see the insecurities below.
Its funny because even when this started and I came here, where theres more anonymity than anywhere I still wasn't completely honest. A little backstory....my wife is gorgeous...almost 6' tall, blonde, surgically enhanced (LOL)...in football parlance....I outkicked my coverage. And as much as I loved her one of my biggest fears early on is that if I lost her then i'll never get someone that beautiful again and have to settle for less. Yes there are a myriad of other reasons that were true, but this was a big concern of mine and shows how vain and selfish I was and also how low my inward esteem was while outwardly everyone thought differently.
Today I know that if we divorce its going to hurt, its going to suck, it will be a huge loss for me, but its going to be a huge loss for her as well because I bring alot to the table and the next relationship I have will be awesome because of what I have learned and am learning about me.
Wow, just wrote a rambling book....but it feels good to get thoughts out of my head. Hope everyone has a good Friday, its a great day to be alive.
And there's nothing at all wrong with getting down now and then and coming here to talk about it. That's what we're here for, we can relate like no one else. We're all going through this together and thankfully when one of us is down a few others are up enough to lean on. We take turns leaning on each other