I get ya B. I hear what you are saying and in some ways agree. Perhaps we are the blind people describing an elephant?
Many facets to be sure.
I agree that many of us need to know the make and model of the truck that hit us. That's very true and I am one of those. Or have been. There comes a time when I have to admit I like a good puzzle as much as the next person, but there are just some things I don't have the information to solve. This is one of those.
I think that to an MLCr, the reality they created is what they react to. I have to admit, if in my world I saw those things I would have reacted similarly to my ex in many ways. Not all, but many. The "old" her would have done some things differently as well. We were very similar in many of our beliefs and actions.
In some ways I was no different when it comes to creating a reality or creating a story. In looking back, I had a strong need to create a story as well. I see that across many of our situation posts in this arena. I too had to create a new identity.
One difference is that I did not create "facts" to support the dissolution of the marriage. I did not manipulate to create behaviors the manner my ex did.
My point to the above is that her choices are her choices. They are what matter in the end. In the absence of a reason, the actions are still clear and must be dealt with. There is no way around it. I tried..
MLC as a term is just very broad I think. I see why it is so contentious as well. The other reason may be that over time the lies become reality (either self-fulfilling or accepted in the absence of other views). But it does seem, at least in my case, to be a crisis of identity that occurs at mid life. One that tears families apart for no explainable reason that I can see. I don't think my ex saw one either and hence needed to "re-remember" things to support the desired outcome.
Seems that may be controlling and may be akin to what I did trying to saving the marriage. In fairness, DBng actions can be used for this purpose if the intent is not for oneself. There was some truth (self fulfilling?) to the accusation of controlling behavior at that point.
I hear ya though. MLC exists for me but I get why the pros may argue it. I see both sides of that argument.
Peace! AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I saw a therapist who believed MLC existed, and that helped me, because I seriously thought I was going crazy. My xh changed so much, and so quickly I wondered if it was me who had changed. A long way down the line, I see it was him, and everything about his life indicates a serious mental breakdown.
I am truly not sure how much choice there was for him, from his perception at the time. I wholly agree that for me, my life is my choices, each and every day, but the MLCer is distorted, and does not see it.
What they lack is the habitual practice of gratitude. Gratitude for what we have, not desolation at what we do not have. Oh yes, easy to say and hard to do.
They rush off thinking that life dealt them a bum hand and that if they change in all their cards life will be OK again. Failing to realise it isn't the cards but how you play 'em.
Mostly I feel so very sorry for our spouses and ex spouses. But it took a long time to get to that place.
In my mind, the MLCr has a distorted view. They know something is not right, but can't find it. Maddening I'm sure.
But they make choices regardless. Just like we all do.
I'm sorry my ex felt like she needed to make the choices she made. I'm sorry she made up a lot of nutty stuff to justify the choices and almost to help her feel sane if that's the right way to interpret what I saw. I'm sorry my kids have to go through this.
I am not sorry for her any longer. I was for a while. She got what she worked for. She got what she asked for; what she made things up for. I can't feel sorry for anyone that works so hard for something and gets it
I am not sorry for me. I have a lot of happy memories of a good marriage. I have an opportunity to have a great marriage at some point in the future.
I agree they do rush off. It's almost panic by the time we see what is going on.
I also had a similar experience where I really thought I was losing my grasp on reality. I think that was a distinct risk at the time and I'm glad I chose a different path. At no time didi it occur to me that I wanted to leave her or my family. I am glad I have a different perspective now even though it took more data points (i.e. time) to get that information.
She chose a different path (that goes back a long way.) I wish her the best in finding what she is looking for and the experiences along the way. I did and do love her, albeit differently now. Eventually that will go away as well as it gets starved out but that's ok. She is part of my history and we'll leave it at that with gratitude and happiness.
MLC or not MLC, I see this as a crisis that occured at mid-life that has no ready explanation.
I see both sides, but I lean towards the idea of MLC.
Be good B!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
What they lack is the habitual practice of gratitude. Gratitude for what we have, not desolation at what we do not have. Oh yes, easy to say and hard to do.
They rush off thinking that life dealt them a bum hand and that if they change in all their cards life will be OK again. Failing to realise it isn't the cards but how you play 'em.
Beatrice, this was perfect!
Like you, I feel very sorry for my H.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
What they lack is the habitual practice of gratitude. Gratitude for what we have, not desolation at what we do not have. Oh yes, easy to say and hard to do.
They rush off thinking that life dealt them a bum hand and that if they change in all their cards life will be OK again. Failing to realise it isn't the cards but how you play 'em.
Beatrice, this was perfect!
Like you, I feel very sorry for my H.
B, I agree with Twink. This perfectly describes my H.
I, too, (most of the time) feel sorry for him. All that he's missing because at the end, he just wasn't able to cope with some of the things life hands out to us all.
I think the MLCer is not equipped with the tools to deal with this stuff. Most of them had a rigid, judgmental and somewhat abusive [emotionally or physically] childhood.
Not everyone who goes through this has a MLC - they have dealt with their issues, but MLCers deny theirs until the denial mechanisms don't work any more. Mostly I feel sorry, sometimes plain irritated that they don't have the insight to deal with it!
I realize now how much of an avoider my H was. If he didn't want to deal with it, he put his head in the sand, ignored it and hoped it would go away. The only time he dealt with serious issues was when he could no longer hide from them. When he was backed into a corner was the only time he faced them head on. Of course by that time, he wasn't able to get an optimal outcome because he had let it go for so long.
Either hide from something or run from it to avoid dealing with it, whether it be with issues or emotions is all the same to my MLCer.
I'm sorry my ex felt like she needed to make the choices she made. I'm sorry she made up a lot of nutty stuff to justify the choices and almost to help her feel sane if that's the right way to interpret what I saw. I'm sorry my kids have to go through this.
I am not sorry for her any longer. I was for a while. She got what she worked for. She got what she asked for; what she made things up for. I can't feel sorry for anyone that works so hard for something and gets it
I am not sorry for me. I have a lot of happy memories of a good marriage. I have an opportunity to have a great marriage at some point in the future.
I agree they do rush off. It's almost panic by the time we see what is going on.
YUP!
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I was cleaning out some files and came across a letter I typed to myself a few months ago. I thought this thread, that I started in order to capture some of what I'd learned, would be a good place to share it ...
***********************
Dear “just bombed” ME,
There is so much I wish I’d known, and been able to understand and process, right back when the bomb dropped. Most of this you are probably not going to want to hear, but here goes ...
Life is not over, ending, or anything close. Right now what you are feeling is intense FEAR.
What is happening to Jason is NOT your fault. PERIOD. You didn’t break him and you can’t fix him. Now that’s not to say that you don’t bear any responsibility for what’s happening ... you are responsible for your issues ... and sweetie ... you’ve got ‘em in spades. Right now, THAT is what you need to focus on, because ultimately the only person you can control is YOU.
Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire ... or in other words, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ... it’s probably a duck. That friendship you don’t trust, probably isn’t just a friendship. Trust actions, not words.
The kids will be fine. You are going to take the high road and do right by them, regardless of how hard that is. That does mean that you can or should use them as an excuse to make contact, keep him home or guilt him in anyway. They will thrive because they are loved and respected.
There is no justification or rationalization that is going to satisfy you about how he can do this ... there is no answer for WHY? that will make you happy. It is what it is. Rest assured that he has not come to this decision lightly, or overnight. That is not your focus anymore.
Watching his every move and trying to calculate what they mean to your situation is pointless and takes away from the time you spend focussed on you. There is no single magic word, action, or response that will “fix” this. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that it is broken, over, done ... your marriage as you knew it, is over, the better.
Being “alone” won’t kill you. Yes, you are an extrovert and yes you need people. Unplug sometimes. The faster you learn to rely on yourself, to move furniture or soothe yourself emotionally (and yes I still struggle with this sometimes!) the better off you’ll be.
You are strong. Stronger than you ever knew ... you are kind and loving and beautiful. You did the best you could with what you knew and you need to forgive yourself, first and foremost. You are bigger than your insecurities and your fears. It’s time to shed them ... once and for all. Time to figure out who you really are, what you want. It won’t be easy. You will struggle with many things ... but remember, always remember, that this path is worth walking.
Believe me when I tell you that you that one day you will be grateful for this journey.
**********************
I hope everyone is well! And I promise to try to check in more often
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I have wondered how it all turned out for you .....you sound good...may you have much joy and happiness for the rest of your life ....... Take care Irma
