You are right Bond. I probably should have said it really isnt any of his business anymore what I do. Especially because 1.) He he has a GF, and 2.) He knows I want to work on us but he has choosen to stay with the GF right now. I just feel as if hes playing games alittle bit. I could be wrong, but its what I feel.
As for fhe GF, if Id have said that, it would have ended in an argument I think - even though I know they would have had my back. Somethings are better left unsaid. She is his GF, but all of our friends are pulling for us to make it.....
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
X dropped C off last night alittle after 8. Came into the house, made short conversation and left. I guess today is NC #17? I am counting the days till my D is back home for the weekend, and am so excited to see her. Hard to believe we are almost into October...
So IC on Saturday, we touched alot of the goals that we set when I first went in to see him, and where I am now. The goals I had set with him were broad:
1) Become more honest 2) Find happiness within me 3) Become a better person (finding out why the one night and EA started)
He asked where I with all of these - 100 being 100% complete Number 1 was the only that was 100%. I make a decision everyday to be as honest as I can be. I thought that would have been the hardest for me because I had lied about so many things, even the little things that shouldnt matter. But I think since finding God again, I no longer struggle with being honest at all.
#2 - not so much. I told him that I think Im 50% there and the reasons why I seem to lack, most of it confidence, self esteem, etc. I also think that I relied on relationships to make me happy. As in the past, I always jumped right into another when I was out of a relationship, just to have someone there. This time though, I didnt. I really want to work on me and become the better person I know I can be. And I really would like to have the chance to maybe someday be in a better relationship with X. That is my future goal. My goal now is me.
#3 - I told him that I am not sure where I am with that because it is a day to day process. I think there is still so much going on with the past, and within me that I couldnt give a percentage on that one.
At the end of the session though, we were talking about my GF that I go to church with, and how she had said to me how proud of me she is of the changes that I have made. She said that even now, Im a different person that I was a year ago. And I shared that with my therapist. He actually said he was proud of me as well, as he sees alot of changes within the time Ive spent with him. I walked out of IC feeling so much stronger than I had for awhile. And it seems to have carried into yesterday and today, even though for a bit yesterday I questioned alot of things.
I woke this morning, prayed to God as I do every day. This mroning I asked for a sign. Anything. Today I havent really thought much of them at all. Maybe here and there, but nothing as it had in the past. I think Im on top of the rollercoaster this morning with the thoughts of how much I really do love X - but I cant make him change his mind about us. Only he can. And maybe now isnt the time he should be because I am not 100% as I want to be. And God knows that. God seems to be talking to me today, and I think this could be the sign that I asked for. I dont know. HAppy Monday!
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
MrsD: Glad to hear that your evaluating your goals with your IC...its important to look at them occasionally to see the progress you've made. The roller coaster ride [censored] for everyone, but luckily the hills and valleys both seem to get a little smaller the longer you ride. My sitch is unchanged.....im pretty sure she's done...or at least thats her reality right now, but I know that things can change so im continuing to do what I need to do.
I almost forgot you had a D...does she live elsewhere? Also interesting that you said you were from Rockford...I have lots of family in Rockford and the surrounding area.
Carnac: Im sorry to hear things are unchanged with your sitch. I was on earlier to see if there was an update, but didnt see one...
Yes, my D lives in the Edwardsville area for the school year. She found herself in alot of trouble last year here, so I asked her to stay there. Unfortunately another reason I asked her to stay is because there was alot of tension between her and X, and I honestly thought X and I would have a better chance of getting back together if she stayed. Good news is shes doing much, much better down there even though things are worse up here. (Meaning X and I not working things out any longer ). So she will be here Friday till Sunday morning, and I am excited to see her.
Spoke to X two times today regarding C. First time he called to ask if I had seen the sign up for Latchkey for a teacher institute day, which I thought odd because 1) hed never called for stuff like that before and 2) I pick C up tomorrow and would have seen it. Then he called again before Scouts because he didnt have Cs scarf. I reminded him that when I brought back the shirt that I didnt have it. He sends me a text later with a photo of C "officially a bear scout". Thanked him for sharing the pix, then asked about the scarf he had on his neck. He said he forgot they turned in the old scarves at the beginning of the summer. I just sent back glad my mind isnt as feebile as his. No return but I wasnt expecting one. I did think it funny though.... ah well. A small part wonders if he is reaching out alittle, but Im not letting that get me off track.
Im actually in Pecatonica. About 10 minutes from Rockford. Many more know Rockford than this small town.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Mrs D...have you thought about NOT answering when he calls or texts? At least not right away. Let him wonder what you are doing and why you aren't responding.
Mrs D...have you thought about NOT answering when he calls or texts? At least not right away. Let him wonder what you are doing and why you aren't responding.
LOL - actually I have told myself many times that was what I was going to do, then to just answer them due to habit.... I need to start doing that, I know.
Today I broke contact. I called him after I hit a car in the parking lot. I was pretty upset. He told me to calm down "we" will get it fixed. And then asked if I wanted him to call our insurance guy. After talking a bit longer, he said Ill call you back in a few after I speak to Jeff. I know not to look into it for what it was, but it was good to hear him being concerned. I wish I could say maybe it was a sign, but I know it wasnt. Although the email I received this morning from a friend of mine through the gym and church Im sure was.
Im just so upset about hitting this car. Happy Tuesday..
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
