busted affair again!

[newman7977]

"So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me..."

You do understand that if you don't get rid of your anger issues, it's going to be someone else.

Right now you have to deal with the anger. Are you seeing a C for this?

Honestly, the only way to get over the OM is to forgive your W. Like truly forgive her. She's apologized (which is way more than many of the WASs have done here). So YOU are going to have to learn to let it go.

It's not easy and it definitely is going to be one of the hardest things to do. That feeling you have right now that you think is "detachment"? It isn't. It's you self-preserving your ego.

Each time you blow up you start at square one. She's going to think all of the things you're doing now are fake and not real. You could ask her to go to C with you to help YOU if she's open to it.

Right ^^^

Yep! ^^^


Starsky

Ouch^^^thanks for the hit in the head guys.

I totally agree that I have to diffuse this anger because it's not helping my sitch. I'm really trying and I'll be honest there still anger left but it's getting lighter. As long run pointed out this is a weakness but I'm human after all and I react. My next IC appt I have is in a month and I'll definitely work on this issue.

I'll be lying if I said I already forgave my W I haven't come to terms all I know right now is that I choose to forgive her. I'm trying though I really do, but the scenario keeps repeating in my head. One minute I forgiving the next I'd think how could she do this to me, it's such a back and forth in my head. Yes my w was apologetic and I want to believe she's sincere but she said this before and it's hard to trust if the trust is violated again, you see, I was already regaining my trust but bam 9/4 rolls around and she deceived me again. It will take time I guess.

It's getting a little better, today I didn't obsess that much about the sitch I mean it's still comes and go but today it was less than normal.

I continue my 180 today, I bought dinner (trying to be consistent as far as offering to help) and keeping light communication with W. No R talk just how her day went and such. I also bought some pastries, she loves these things to dip in her coffee. My plan is to do these things once in a while so she doesn't feel smother by it, I'll give it some balance by doing things out of the blue. I notice that she's pretty receptive on what I'm doing unlike before. I think as long as she receptive about these things I'll continue.

So good things I notice so far at least this week:

- she's responsive to my occasional text (she use to just ignore me and really cold answers, now I sense some kindness)
- receptive to me doing stuff ( buying dinner, helping around the house)
- communication improved (trying to create positive environment)


My goals:

- I would really like to see her put her wedding ring back on
- I want to regain emotional closeness
- would like her to initiate contact

I'll work on these for now, the rest are bigger goals.

For me: keep exercising, keep 180s. Still working on GAL...still working on detachment.

Thanks again guys.

Newman

[newman7977]

Did great today as far as GAL and continued 180.

Did 50 mile cycling with the group in the morning. Really enjoyed their company it was fun, no one knew my sitch so my environment pushed the sitch on the side.

I GAL'd today with the kids (props to 25yrsmlc for reminding me GAL doesnt have to be by myself). I googled some freeebie stuff I can do around town that is kid friendly. I took the kids with me. I asked W, I really wanted her to go but she said she's not feeling well and so I said "ok we'll see you later"

The trip with the kids was a blast, I really enjoyed it. Although I felt like incomplete, the 3 kids really made me felt good. GAL also made me aware that I can do this, this might be my life down the road if W doesn't come back to M. I'm realizing it's really not that bad.

We came home lights all out it was dark inside house, I carried s3, he was exhausted and fell asleep on the drive home. We came in and W is using laptop. This is when the bad thoughts came to mind that she's talking to LLOM (low life OM) I'm thinking now she will be careful on her tracks so, I think the only way to do this is through Skype? Can someone please enlighten me on how Skype work?

Anyways, I felt like interrogating her like last time. But you know what, this time is different. I was able to gather my thoughts and let go. I thought that maybe the more I ask the more she'll feel excited about her A, I mean the excitement of getting away with it. Can someone point out if WAS' tend to feel this excitement?

So I'm taking it one day at a time, and today I didn't le my suspicions get a grip of me plus I did a great GAL and didn't want to mess that up. Oh lightbulb, maybe that's why its important to GAL.

Your thoughts and comments are welcome.

Newman

[25yearsmlc]

Ok I just want to journal what happened yesterday:

You guys will be disappointed in me but I ended up talking the R talk and OM in this relationship with the W.

THIS^^^ IS NOT DBing...just so you know. So don't say "it's not working" because you are not doing it. Did you really truly read the book? IF so, read it again.

IT'll help you setting yourself up again. You had just had some positives and then you let your anger up again, which shows how UNlikely you are to ever forgive her. That means, to HER< you'll hold it over her head forever so to HER

she may as well not even try...and OM looks easier and easier and you look more and more like a mountain to climb with maybe no reward at the top.


I just felt all this anger building up and I needed to get them out.

then exercise or call an anger sponsor. You don't "get them out" on HER!! That is the last thing you do, if ever. IT just confirms her worst negatives of you and helps her justify leaving you.


So I ask the W if OM contacted her, and she said "well I think he called my work but I wasn't around, and I think it was him but I didn't talk to him". So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me...


HIM calling her is not something to become infuriated about. THEY DID NOT SPEAK and as for why she would not tell you, I'm GUESSING it's b/c you get infuriated at something she had no control over.


So anyway, we went on and I told her the next time she feels like deceiving me, let me know or D my a$$$.

Wow...that's a major backslide. What did you learn from it?


I felt I had to give my boundaries and basically told her I don't want to be deceived again. She really promised me she will not do it and if she does she'll let me know. So I said, Ok that's fair enough.

See the last time she lied (9/4), s3 kept asking where she was, she told us she has a meeting.

1) "Lying" is not the same as her not yet telling you what OM did and

2) lose the scorecard. You are holding onto and counting your grievances against her...there's no way you guys are going to make it like that. Is this a pattern in your marriage?


I had no idea until I got some proof that she was lying and that she was actually with OM. Low life OM was in our town that weekend. I told her, you know it's one thing you deceive me but I will draw the line if the piece of sh!t OM takes your time away from my Kids and you end up lying to the kids. I was just boiling...

I know this is not the DB way and not what I was working at, but I needed to make it clear and let her know I wouldn't stay in this M if she entertains OM again.

I told her she's got a choice, that I can not control her actions but I have a choice to react and not to be in this marriage as long as the low life OM is in the picture. Honestly, this is what I feel. And I really won't tolerate it if this happens again, meaning I'm out.

I don't know how much damaged it did. And frankly at this point I don't give a rats azz. I'm just pissed of the stitch.

IF you want your w to choose you, then be the better choice.

She must believe marriage to you can be better/different than before, OR

she won't choose you. What are YOU DOING to show her that it can be better and different??


She was concerned about my anger, and so I told her yes I'm very angry but this emotion I need to process and it will wear off.

I'm to the point that Im not gonna let her change my mood.

b/c you want to stay angry?? That sounds super attractive AND great for the kids...

so now who is hurting the marriage and family?


I'll try, I think that's detaching, isnt it? I'm gonna be myself and if I get burn so be it, but i'm not going to walk on egg shells anymore.

Maybe I'm just pissed right now or maybe impatient to all this. But maybe one day I'll get it. But right now I was keeping it all in and I didn't want to blow up.

Please remind me again how to do this. Maybe I have to let my anger pass.


clearly you do. When you have a big button pushed, the "rule" we try to apply is to wait 24-48 hours before reacting. You can ALWAYS be angry later!!!!

Post here FIRST and get feedback before giving her the same old knee jerk self righteous anger she's so turned off by.


Today W bought me my favorite pastry. On her defense she was very apologetic, and hoping that I can forgive her. She said she's trying and reading the 5LL. I felt a little relieved on this.

May we assume you graciously accepted her loving gesture?? (OR did you make her wish she had not done it?)


The thing is I'm struggling to trust her. She said all these promises before that she won't talk to him and then it happened again. I guess I just dont want to get hurt again.

Sorry for the rambling. I needed to vent I guess.

Tonight's journal was pretty quiet. I said Hi and all but that's about it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Newman

Read the DB or Div Remedy book and if you already have then read it again.

It has to sink in to get thru. And it has not sunk in...yet. But there is hope.

She is in the house and is trying. You are better off than many.

Don't blow it b/c you prefer being angry to being hurt & swalloing your pride.

Learn the difference between healthy self respect and a wounded ego lashing out.

Sometimes it's a blurry line.

[newman7977]

Ok I just want to journal what happened yesterday:

You guys will be disappointed in me but I ended up talking the R talk and OM in this relationship with the W.

THIS^^^ IS NOT DBing...just so you know. So don't say "it's not working" because you are not doing it. Did you really truly read the book? IF so, read it again.

IT'll help you setting yourself up again. You had just had some positives and then you let your anger up again, which shows how UNlikely you are to ever forgive her. That means, to HER< you'll hold it over her head forever so to HER

she may as well not even try...and OM looks easier and easier and you look more and more like a mountain to climb with maybe no reward at the top.


I just felt all this anger building up and I needed to get them out.

then exercise or call an anger sponsor. You don't "get them out" on HER!! That is the last thing you do, if ever. IT just confirms her worst negatives of you and helps her justify leaving you.


So I ask the W if OM contacted her, and she said "well I think he called my work but I wasn't around, and I think it was him but I didn't talk to him". So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me...


HIM calling her is not something to become infuriated about. THEY DID NOT SPEAK and as for why she would not tell you, I'm GUESSING it's b/c you get infuriated at something she had no control over.


So anyway, we went on and I told her the next time she feels like deceiving me, let me know or D my a$$$.

Wow...that's a major backslide. What did you learn from it?


I felt I had to give my boundaries and basically told her I don't want to be deceived again. She really promised me she will not do it and if she does she'll let me know. So I said, Ok that's fair enough.

See the last time she lied (9/4), s3 kept asking where she was, she told us she has a meeting.

1) "Lying" is not the same as her not yet telling you what OM did and

2) lose the scorecard. You are holding onto and counting your grievances against her...there's no way you guys are going to make it like that. Is this a pattern in your marriage?


I had no idea until I got some proof that she was lying and that she was actually with OM. Low life OM was in our town that weekend. I told her, you know it's one thing you deceive me but I will draw the line if the piece of sh!t OM takes your time away from my Kids and you end up lying to the kids. I was just boiling...

I know this is not the DB way and not what I was working at, but I needed to make it clear and let her know I wouldn't stay in this M if she entertains OM again.

I told her she's got a choice, that I can not control her actions but I have a choice to react and not to be in this marriage as long as the low life OM is in the picture. Honestly, this is what I feel. And I really won't tolerate it if this happens again, meaning I'm out.

I don't know how much damaged it did. And frankly at this point I don't give a rats azz. I'm just pissed of the stitch.

IF you want your w to choose you, then be the better choice.

She must believe marriage to you can be better/different than before, OR

she won't choose you. What are YOU DOING to show her that it can be better and different??


She was concerned about my anger, and so I told her yes I'm very angry but this emotion I need to process and it will wear off.

I'm to the point that Im not gonna let her change my mood.

b/c you want to stay angry?? That sounds super attractive AND great for the kids...

so now who is hurting the marriage and family?


I'll try, I think that's detaching, isnt it? I'm gonna be myself and if I get burn so be it, but i'm not going to walk on egg shells anymore.

Maybe I'm just pissed right now or maybe impatient to all this. But maybe one day I'll get it. But right now I was keeping it all in and I didn't want to blow up.

Please remind me again how to do this. Maybe I have to let my anger pass.


clearly you do. When you have a big button pushed, the "rule" we try to apply is to wait 24-48 hours before reacting. You can ALWAYS be angry later!!!!

Post here FIRST and get feedback before giving her the same old knee jerk self righteous anger she's so turned off by.


Today W bought me my favorite pastry. On her defense she was very apologetic, and hoping that I can forgive her. She said she's trying and reading the 5LL. I felt a little relieved on this.

May we assume you graciously accepted her loving gesture?? (OR did you make her wish she had not done it?)


The thing is I'm struggling to trust her. She said all these promises before that she won't talk to him and then it happened again. I guess I just dont want to get hurt again.

Sorry for the rambling. I needed to vent I guess.

Tonight's journal was pretty quiet. I said Hi and all but that's about it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Newman

Read the DB or Div Remedy book and if you already have then read it again.

It has to sink in to get thru. And it has not sunk in...yet. But there is hope.

She is in the house and is trying. You are better off than many.

Don't blow it b/c you prefer being angry to being hurt & swalloing your pride.

Learn the difference between healthy self respect and a wounded ego lashing out.

Sometimes it's a blurry line.

25yrsmlc, that day I journaled this ^^^was my lowest point. You are absolutely right about everything you said. I truly thought about what you said "what I've learned". Actually, I did learn something--that is how pathetic And desperate sounded like and will try not to pull that again. I'm reading co-dependency no more and it's really helping me to calm down a bit. And to see things I cannot control and let go.

I am starting to come to terms of what path could my M go. But I'm not giving up yet, my W is trying, I really see it, she's trying to restore those feelings back--I just need to keep thinking to be patient which is my struggle. I am trying though and this is also a big 180 for me.

I think I got a grip of my emotions now. This weekend I GAL with kids. I spent time with kids before but nothing like this. All of them are attached to me especially s3. I see why my W complaint about me before, the time I was giving my kids were not enough. I really feel good about these changes in me, it's very rewarding that my kids are really looking up to me. I got to keep this everyday now I know what to do.

My next goal is to be a better husband. I will try to slowly get my W's emotions back. The last four days she's been voluntarily sharing her day to day work with me and I'm just been listening to her. There are few times I tried to give advise but I bit my tongue.

I get it, M is everyday commitment and I will work this one day at a time until the end.

Thanks for keeping me in-check 25, your posts really helped me see through things.

------------------------------------------------------------

Let me just add my journal today--we went to lunch and shop a little, my plans were to take the kids with me since W had plans to visit MIL. She ended up spending the entire day with us. I also encouraged her to go after we had lunch but she said she didn't feel like going to her mom anymore because of the drive and it's also getting late. I'm glad she did stay with us at least for the kids' sake, they were all happy at the end of the day. Good times!

Newman

[newman7977]

Hi all,

I thought of posting what I'm feeling right now. Today is a possibility that W would have an EA. I didn't snoop on her just my suspicions today is great. There are some circumstances at her work that she don't have to be there but she still went.

I'm trying to be strong and to let this go but at the same time it keeps coming back and forth in my head. I want to keep on my DB tracks and thats why I'm posting to keep busy.

It's been positive the last few days. The other question I have is, should I check how she'd react if I try to hug her? It's almost a month now and no physical contact still sleeping in separate rooms. When do I ask w if we can sleep in same bed? It's been positive but feels like stuck in this sitch.

Do I keep waiting until she initiate everything? What if she's also waiting for me to make the move?

Looking forward for your comments/suggestions.

Newman

[newman7977]

Journal:

Whew fighting these suspicions are tough! All day it just kept going back and forth in my head, the possibility of w to have an EA/PA. But I was able to shove it on the side and kept busy at work, talk to people, read up on sitchs here.

I got home then kept my 180s with the kids, s3 is super attached with me and he kept me busy. I also interacted with s13 and d17 briefly because they have lots of school work.

I heard my W talking with her cousin on the phone about her day and seem like she was really at work. Even if not, I can't control her if she choose to continue the EA that's on her, and I can have a choice not to be a part of that.

All is well, we communicate good now, everything seems good except no love. I got to keep patient I guess. It just feel like the sitch is now stuck, I guess this is how limbo feels like.

Still have this nagging question, what if she wants me to make a move, like big her or kiss her? I guess I could try but afraid of her rejection. I'm so confuse right now.

I also feel like asking her until when are we going to sleep in separate rooms?

I really miss her but it seem like she doesn't miss me at all. That thoughts hurt, especially after being together for 18yrs. O well I guess if there's no feelings and someone you know you can fall back on I guess that why she doesn't miss me.

Well today was good, I didn't interrogate her with questions in light of my suspicions. I cope how to put aside those suspicions. I guess I DB pretty good today.

Newman

[25yearsmlc]

well done! Keep it up!

Read the DB book (again if you already have, so it sinks in and reinforces in your head)

and really back off for now. Give her space.

Being the best dad you can be is a great endeavor b/c it's what is right for the kids, it occupies your mind AND

I think it's an emotional turn on at some level, for every mother. OM cannot compete with that.

But stop showing her your neediness. IT is not attractive.

What were you like when she fell in love with you? I bet more confident & fun and light hearted and strong. Be THAT man again.

Be interestING and interestED in the world around you, take a class or join something so you are less predictable.

GAL and involve new people so you are more occupied, more happy and a bit more mysterious...and stop obsessing.

It is so unproductive. Stay in the present so you don't keep looping around in your brain about what she MIGHT be doing or thinking or WHEN something is going to happen.

YOU WILL KNOW WHEN SHE WANTS YOU TO MAKE A MOVE, with her words or her actions...

Turns out all your worry today was for nothing b/c she WAS working, correct?

Learn a lesson from that...stay in the "now" and do your best to be the best man you can be.


Become that man and DB your butt off...then leave the results up to God.

[newman7977]

well done! Keep it up!

Read the DB book (again if you already have, so it sinks in and reinforces in your head)

and really back off for now. Give her space.

Being the best dad you can be is a great endeavor b/c it's what is right for the kids, it occupies your mind AND

I think it's an emotional turn on at some level, for every mother. OM cannot compete with that.

But stop showing her your neediness. IT is not attractive.

What were you like when she fell in love with you? I bet more confident & fun and light hearted and strong. Be THAT man again.

Be interestING and interestED in the world around you, take a class or join something so you are less predictable.

GAL and involve new people so you are more occupied, more happy and a bit more mysterious...and stop obsessing.

It is so unproductive. Stay in the present so you don't keep looping around in your brain about what she MIGHT be doing or thinking or WHEN something is going to happen.

YOU WILL KNOW WHEN SHE WANTS YOU TO MAKE A MOVE, with her words or her actions...

Turns out all your worry today was for nothing b/c she WAS working, correct?

Learn a lesson from that...stay in the "now" and do your best to be the best man you can be.


Become that man and DB your butt off...then leave the results up to God.

Thanks 25! Yesterday was big for me. It did help to know she was really at work, I mean I still have my doubts but for me to put that on the side was an accomplishment. Well that's one day down, today is a new day. I'm getting better everyday.

Keep the positive environment. You are right I'm still obsessing I got to work on that.

I read DR, I have DB so maybe I'll read DB this time around.

GAL and meet new people, I was also thinking about that yesterday, I'll be on he lookout for that.

Kids are great, s3 played with me for 5 hrs last night and this morning first thing he told me "dad want to play again?". Broke my heart since I have to go to work. I just told him "when I get home buddy, I promise".

Newman

[Desperate man]

Newman,
Good job with spending time with your kids. I to have admitt I have the same questions about detaching and waiting to make that first move. You want to make that first move but scared to try b/c of the possible outcome. If you detach will that send a signal that you don't care about your S? Will H or W who are WAS position decide that moving out is what we want also b/c we have detached?? So many questions and emotions-DM

[25yearsmlc]

Desparate,

if you think pursuing a WAS who needs detaching, then read the DB book to "get" this concept down pat.

And learn to monitor for results, which always, ALWAYS take time.