Got a little insight on the discussion the other night. W said that she felt I was trying to control her, trying to push her towards the answer I wanted. I wonder if that is just an excuse to avoid thinking about it, because I honestly am interested in her perceptions...I already know what I think about it.
I realize I've been controlling, and it's been a long time so her defensive mechanisms are probably automatic. But these days, it seems like I can't say anything, even positive, without it being construed as controlling.
W called me on her way to her last appt last night. I was making dinner so we chatted for a few about different things we had to get done. Near the end of the conversation she says something like "we should just pack up and go on vacation for a few days." I immediately started looking at a trip and we talked about it for about an hour when she got home. We're looking about 3-4 weeks out, so this could be good!
I mentioned it to my Dad (he'll be watching the kiddos) and he said "you really need to go somewhere where you can talk and get this stuff fixed." My response, "This is an opportunity for us to remind ourselves why we fell in love, to see how much fun we have together, and to see how good we are together. R discussion is not on the table unless W brings it up."
Things have been mostly good for the last week or so, but definitely some ups and downs.
Vacation is on hold for time being, as there are a few other things that we need instead in the short term. A bummer, but stuff happens.
Last night ended pretty rough. First real argument we've had since she's been back in the house and she threatened D again multiple times. She went on and on about how my relationship before we got married hurt her, to which I apologized and tried to explain what was in my head at the time. She didn't like anything I said and just continued to attack me on it. It was pretty awful and I'm not happy that I lost my cool a few times.
This AM W apologized to me for "being hysterical" and I apologized as well. We calmly talked for maybe an hour about some of the issues. She said she didn't want to ML because she felt like it gave me false hope (which I realize is script, but I also find odd given how much we're ML right now). She also said she was really unhappy everyday and when I asked her why, she said because of her own indecision. She feels guilty for keeping me in this situation and feels unsettled not knowing what she's going to do.
In the end I told her I'm living day by day and not reading anything into anything, to which she responded, "that is so unlike you." I also told her that she wasn't keeping me in anything--I make a conscious choice every day to stay in this M and fight for it.
Things have been mostly good for the last week or so, but definitely some ups and downs.
Vacation is on hold for time being, as there are a few other things that we need instead in the short term. A bummer, but stuff happens.
Last night ended pretty rough. First real argument we've had since she's been back in the house and she threatened D again multiple times. She went on and on about how my relationship before we got married hurt her, to which I apologized and tried to explain what was in my head at the time. She didn't like anything I said and just continued to attack me on it. It was pretty awful and I'm not happy that I lost my cool a few times.
This AM W apologized to me for "being hysterical" and I apologized as well. We calmly talked for maybe an hour about some of the issues. She said she didn't want to ML because she felt like it gave me false hope (which I realize is script, but I also find odd given how much we're ML right now). She also said she was really unhappy everyday and when I asked her why, she said because of her own indecision. She feels guilty for keeping me in this situation and feels unsettled not knowing what she's going to do.
In the end I told her I'm living day by day and not reading anything into anything, to which she responded, "that is so unlike you." I also told her that she wasn't keeping me in anything--I make a conscious choice every day to stay in this M and fight for it.
Have her understand how these situations really go down, and is it REALLY fair to ask of someone who was at one time their "friend" to stand in for a situation which has a greater than 9 times out of 10 chance for failure?
Breakdown, thanks for your journaling, it's been very interesting reading about your journey! I hope you don't mind a 2x4, but I've noticed that again and again you guys keep engaging in nasty arguments and every time you do it drives your W away and even back to "square 1" as you've mentioned more than once. Don't go down cheeseless tunnels! She's still in a very emotional state, that much is clear. It's incumbent upon YOU to do ALL of the work right now. Don't expect her to meet you halfway. Don't expect her to own up to her part in this. She will in time, but she clearly is not there yet. You've got to quit the arguing and instead validate her feelings and emotions. When she starts to argue, tell her you're sorry she feels that way, and express her emotions back to her- "it sounds to me like you are angry and frustrated, I'm very sorry you feel that way." You're not agreeing or disagreeing, you're validating. It'll immediately diffuse the situation. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? If not then get it right away. Work on filling her love tank, and work on validating her feelings and communicating on more friendly terms, 5LL goes into this in easy-to-understand terms. Quit pushing her buttons, and if she pushes yours then be the force of calm rather than the fuel on the fire. It's never too late for new 180's! Good luck!
Thanks AS. I appreciate the 2x4. I have read 5LL and use it regularly....I pretty much recommend that one to everyone, even folks I talk to who aren't having problems. Wish I had read it 20 years ago!
You're right on the validating. Explaining was something new I was trying to see if it helped her....it didn't, so back to validating. And when I start to run out of patience, I need to just take a walk.
I will say that I learned quite a bit from her yesterday and the fact that she apologized is a baby step in the right direction. She also told me she hadn't accepted responsibility for her own actions and explained some of that, so that shows me that she is working thru some of our issues on her own...another baby step. I also learned about some of her deep wounds she's struggling with, so will try to use that information in coordination with her LL and see how that goes.
I have tried to avoid any kind of pursuit for a long time now, but I'm almost feeling like I'm getting to the point where maybe I should try some. I said something to her like "I want to tell you how much I love you and hug you every time I see you" and that really seemed to have a positive impact on her. Of course, tell her ties in to her LL, so it makes sense.
Our evening yesterday was truly amazing, so I'm going to try to keep that going.
It's a pretty awesome day when W calls to see if you want a movie on her way home, let's you finish your workout while she starts dinner, and while you're cooking she pinches your @ss!
It's a pretty awesome day when W calls to see if you want a movie on her way home, let's you finish your workout while she starts dinner, and while you're cooking she pinches your @ss!
Yeah, this can get sweeter for the rest of your life too.
It's a pretty awesome day when W calls to see if you want a movie on her way home, let's you finish your workout while she starts dinner, and while you're cooking she pinches your @ss!
Yeah, this can get sweeter for the rest of your life too.
Yeah, I hope so, but I'm just taking it day by day for now and trying to make each day as good as possible. W is taking half day today (it's been years since she's been willing to do this, so big positive) and we're going out for sushi later.
Our local retrouvaille has another weekend starting tonight so we talked a little bit this morning about the post sessions coming up. We missed most of them, and I really want to go to the ones on trust and forgiveness. I actually think W's in a much better position to go to them now than she was in the summer. We also got hooked into the local retrouv meetings so that's a big positive as well.
I almost feel like we're piecing....but still waiting for W to say "I want to work on it."
