busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Newman, sounds like you had a good day yesterday. Sure makes you feel good, but reserved. My W has been doing the same thing when comes to asking me for help. She won't and its like she will not because it would make me feel like she needs me. Which if you really think about she doesn't. Good to hear about your bike ride. I agree it sure makes you feel better. Also hope these little signs are the start in the right direction. It makes you feel reserved doesn't it. I be afraid to allow myself to be run over again, but if you do not take the risk you will never start the healing process. Stay strong and keep posting your stch is so similar to mine that I have been reading your instead of mine. DM

DM, good to hear from you. I haven't caught up on your sitch, but you sound good considering the circumstances. Our W's seem to think alike or we think alike therefore creating this similar sitch. Yeah hang in there DM.

I'll update later. Last night was bad we got into the R talk and I'm still emotionally drained.

Newman

[newman7977]

I can't make any sense of what's happening.

You needn't. What you are writing has a good "vibe". Keep up the spirit. Over time there is a chance that W is meandering back to you.

Thanks long run, yeah I got to remember that I'd go nuts trying to make sense of all these.

Newman

[newman7977]

Ok I just want to journal what happened yesterday:

You guys will be disappointed in me but I ended up talking the R talk and OM in this relationship with the W.

I just felt all this anger building up and I needed to get them out. So I ask the W if OM contacted her, and she said "well I think he called my work but I wasn't around, and I think it was him but I didn't talk to him". So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me...

So anyway, we went on and I told her the next time she feels like deceiving me, let me know or D my a$$$. I felt I had to give my boundaries and basically told her I don't want to be deceived again. She really promised me she will not do it and if she does she'll let me know. So I said, Ok that's fair enough.

See the last time she lied (9/4), s3 kept asking where she was, she told us she has a meeting. I had no idea until I got some proof that she was lying and that she was actually with OM. Low life OM was in our town that weekend. I told her, you know it's one thing you deceive me but I will draw the line if the piece of sh!t OM takes your time away from my Kids and you end up lying to the kids. I was just boiling...

I know this is not the DB way and not what I was working at, but I needed to make it clear and let her know I wouldn't stay in this M if she entertains OM again.

I told her she's got a choice, that I can not control her actions but I have a choice to react and not to be in this marriage as long as the low life OM is in the picture. Honestly, this is what I feel. And I really won't tolerate it if this happens again, meaning I'm out.

I don't know how much damaged it did. And frankly at this point I don't give a rats azz. I'm just pissed of the stitch.

She was concerned about my anger, and so I told her yes I'm very angry but this emotion I need to process and it will wear off.

I'm to the point that Im not gonna let her change my mood. I'll try, I think that's detaching, isnt it? I'm gonna be myself and if I get burn so be it, but i'm not going to walk on egg shells anymore.

Maybe I'm just pissed right now or maybe impatient to all this. But maybe one day I'll get it. But right now I was keeping it all in and I didn't want to blow up.

Please remind me again how to do this. Maybe I have to let my anger pass.

Today W bought me my favorite pastry. On her defense she was very apologetic, and hoping that I can forgive her. She said she's trying and reading the 5LL. I felt a little relieved on this.

The thing is I'm struggling to trust her. She said all these promises before that she won't talk to him and then it happened again. I guess I just dont want to get hurt again.

Sorry for the rambling. I needed to vent I guess.

Tonight's journal was pretty quiet. I said Hi and all but that's about it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Newman

[longrun]

Your discussion with your wife has two sides. It's good that you have clearly shown your boundaries. I assume you are well aware of the fact that now that you have established them you must follow through and enforce them, if need be. The weakness I see is your anger. Diffusing it is very difficult, I know. But in my view your message would have an even better impact if you delivered it calmly. Treat your wife like a co-worker. Polite, friendly, detached. Good luck.

[newman7977]

Nothing new to journal it's the same weeknights. I'm generally doing my 180s after work by helping kids with homework and playing w s3 in the backyard even only for about 30mins.

It's been I.5 weeks since no physical interaction with the W, I'm just really trying to be patient. There are lots of moments where I just want to give her a hug
but I know I will just get hurt with her rejection.

So we resume with the roommate status. I give her space by leaving the room wherever she is, but I still talk to her and try not to show my sadness.

My question is, what if she's really liking this? She express to me before that she doesn't mind as long as I don't touch her. Well that's not ok with me, I really don't know how long I can stay like this.

Also, the female co-workers are starting to sound good to me because when I talk to them I can feel a better interactions. I just miss that and sometimes I feel good talking to other people are nice to talk to except my W. I don't know maybe because there are hurt feelings associated with W. anyway I won't do anything stupid like start an A because I know how much it hurts.

But I can't help wonder that being single probably not too bad at all...

So what kind of signs should I be looking for? How do I know she's ready?

So 1.5 weeks in of giving space and no physical touching...

Newman

[newman7977]

Your discussion with your wife has two sides. It's good that you have clearly shown your boundaries. I assume you are well aware of the fact that now that you have established them you must follow through and enforce them, if need be. The weakness I see is your anger. Diffusing it is very difficult, I know. But in my view your message would have an even better impact if you delivered it calmly. Treat your wife like a co-worker. Polite, friendly, detached. Good luck.

Thanks longrun. I definitely need to get over this anger. It sux because one minute I'm fine and then another I'm so angry. Will keep reminding myself of this weakness.

I'm reading co-dependent no more hopefully it will help me detach. But I'm struggling the part where it says take care of yourself because that is one of the complaints my w said...seems like if I do that I'll be selfish??? Maybe I need to understand it more.

I did another 180 this morning and left the room before w got oh of the shower. In the past I was there and would kind of see her change. I know that lately she express how that made her feel uncomfortable. So this morning I wasn't there.

Will keep thinking 180..practice detaching...need to gal this weekend.

Newman

[newman7977]

Ok really feeling good right now, it's like I'm a high school kid courting a girl again lol.

I know this might be nothing at all but, I wanted to journal so I can refer back to this later. Perhaps I'm starting to finally get the 180s you guys have been mentioning here.

-Started a 180 in the morning by not watching W change clothes. I think this really surprised her since I left and went to another room, whet before I would've stuck around.

-balancing my contact with w...yesterday I barely spoke with her but I listened, I knew she said she'll be busy at work today so I sent her a text to have a good day, even with the busy shedule. I know I shouldn't initiate text but I think I have to balance the communication since this is her complaint that I never bother to contact her. So the plan. Will text her when she least expect it.

- continue with NO physical contact I think that maybe a tiny spec, she's starting to miss me. I'm really avoiding physical contact but at the same time im being nice about it.

-continue 180 w kids, work w s13 with homework. Bought d17 medicine she's got the flu, I offerred to go to the store cause w has big headache. I hang out with s3 in the backyard.

-had a good Convo with w, she told me how busy she been at work, I listened and ask her questions. We had positive interactions. This is another 180 to Keep creating positive environment with her. I think I read this here in DB.

-here's he best part, there was a big bug in the room and w ask d17 for me to go to the room and to take care of the bug which I did, I was excited but didn't show just played it cool . Because Lately --no way she would've ask me.

- I sensed a little flirting from w while I kill bug..:I was gonna ask her if she wants me to give her massage on her head since she has a headache but I think Its not time yet, so I continue to back off and left the room.

So here i am journaling and two days ago I was p!ssed as heck! Roller coaster?? Am I getting sucked in again? Who knows but I'm enjoying this moment.

Tomorrow got to think of another 180 to start a good day. I can't text since I did that today...ummm maybe I'll show up with her favorite pastry create the unexpected at the end of the day not in the morning. I'll try that.

I welcome all your thoughts and suggestions.


Newman

[MrBond]

"So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me..."

You do understand that if you don't get rid of your anger issues, it's going to be someone else.

Right now you have to deal with the anger. Are you seeing a C for this?

Honestly, the only way to get over the OM is to forgive your W. Like truly forgive her. She's apologized (which is way more than many of the WASs have done here). So YOU are going to have to learn to let it go.

It's not easy and it definitely is going to be one of the hardest things to do. That feeling you have right now that you think is "detachment"? It isn't. It's you self-preserving your ego.

Each time you blow up you start at square one. She's going to think all of the things you're doing now are fake and not real. You could ask her to go to C with you to help YOU if she's open to it.

[Denver_2010]

"So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me..."

You do understand that if you don't get rid of your anger issues, it's going to be someone else.

Right now you have to deal with the anger. Are you seeing a C for this?

Honestly, the only way to get over the OM is to forgive your W. Like truly forgive her. She's apologized (which is way more than many of the WASs have done here). So YOU are going to have to learn to let it go.

It's not easy and it definitely is going to be one of the hardest things to do. That feeling you have right now that you think is "detachment"? It isn't. It's you self-preserving your ego.

Each time you blow up you start at square one. She's going to think all of the things you're doing now are fake and not real. You could ask her to go to C with you to help YOU if she's open to it.

Right ^^^

[Starsky309]

"So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me..."

You do understand that if you don't get rid of your anger issues, it's going to be someone else.

Right now you have to deal with the anger. Are you seeing a C for this?

Honestly, the only way to get over the OM is to forgive your W. Like truly forgive her. She's apologized (which is way more than many of the WASs have done here). So YOU are going to have to learn to let it go.

It's not easy and it definitely is going to be one of the hardest things to do. That feeling you have right now that you think is "detachment"? It isn't. It's you self-preserving your ego.

Each time you blow up you start at square one. She's going to think all of the things you're doing now are fake and not real. You could ask her to go to C with you to help YOU if she's open to it.

Right ^^^

Yep! ^^^


Starsky