busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Journal today,

So tonight at home, Nothing really to report, but while eating dinner, W was feeding s3 and for some reason she sat next to me. I even kind of freaked out because lately that rarely happens. While feeding s3, she also brushed my arm and back, made me kind of jumpy I hope she didn't notice. Then, it is back to far end of the couch...WTH. I just don't get it sometimes.

I know, I'm probably making a whole lot of nothing but I thought that was interesting.

Weekend will be interesting SIL and W family coming over--this will be awkward. But if I haven't update you lately, only SIL and her H knows the EA last week. I also felt they are dark on me, they haven't even asked me how I'm doing. We text a lot last weekend and all of a sudden they stopped replying.

I think what's happening is that, although they don't agree with W having an EA, they will support Ws decision if we D for all the pain I put her through.

Yep, that's the bad effect of telling SIL about the EA, it also exposes my bad ways. Of course they know her faults, but they will be on her side--well I knew than. Anyways, we'll see how this play out.

I will fight all this by concentrating on me and my kids. Right now that's all that matters. I'll be a better man and father and hope that W would join me.

Newman

[newman7977]

I'm feeling one of those lows right now. The urge to approach my W to be close to her and talk with her is strong. I don't know why and I know you guys have said if I backslid from any of this will put me back to square one. So instead I'm writing it down. You guys are my new friends and friends that know more about me than any of my other friends.

So I feel sad that my w and her withdrawal with OM. Sadly to say is because I think I feel jealous. How could she give him this much time?! She's been with me for 18 yrs and that seem like nothing to her.

It's really been 16 months since the INILWY...bomb since I felt love from her. I've been in this torment for 16mos. The text messages, what were they? Why she reached out to him rather than me. Was I really that bad of a H?!

We're in the same roof again and I'm afraid she will get comfortable and then entertains the OM again once he try to lure her back in. I just don't know if I have more strength to deal with that. Isn't this really cake eating?

The roommate status when will it end? When will she get her feelings back?

The only positives right now are my kids. They are returning my love back. But it feels different something's missing, I don't feel complete I walk around with a pain in my chest.

Anyway, looks like I diverted to writing these instead of approaching my W. Gotta get ready for work. But these are the things I would've told my W today. Thanks for your ears.

I'll read Denver sitch how he handled playing cool with his W during his ordeal and Sandi's post to understand my W better.

Have a good Thursday DB!
Newman

[newman7977]

Just some thoughts on detaching:

From the readings here that I gather. "lovingly detach=no spite, no anger, revenge".

Seem simple but hard to put into actions.

So in my sitch, I go in the house I say "hi W, how's your day? Tell her my day" treat her like a friend or co worker? Is detaching, putting aside the loving feelings?

I then proceed with the kids and love them as a father would love heir children. Living in the same roof, how you detach and not seem you gave up on the R? Weekends I will be with W and family all day.

We normally go to the mall, eat out on weekends, do I keep doing that but the only difference not talk about R With the W? Am I detaching correctly?

Any thoughts?

Newman

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Dettaching is hard in the same house.

Yeah...no R talks, unless she brings them up and if she does...well...

It's like a minefield.

If she doesn't want to talk? Don't even tell her about your day.

Dettaching just isn't about not communicating, to me it was also about not allowing their day...good or bad, their mood, good or bad to impact me. Not unless it was good and she wanted to include me.

Why wouldn't a person want to be impacted by their spouses good mood? Lets say she is in a great mood because she is going to go out....without you. Crappy example but I made my point.

Their mood and day...simply doesn't impact you if it will impact you negatively.

Dettach from the drama not of your making.

[newman7977]

Jack3 thanks.

Definitely need some practicing...I'll get it one of these days or not

Although my W got this down perfect--she's detached from me the way you described it.

Newman

[newman7977]

Having just a crappy day. Went to d17 school with the W and I must admit I'm a little tired from work. Then to go to the school sit go through the periods were pretty tiring.

Then I noticed W wasn't wearing her wedding ring so that added to my bad mood. I tried so hard not to mention it because I wasn't gonna let it bother me but it did and I did ask her. And her response is that she will wear it when she wants to.

I don't know the whole time i was with them I felt out of place and also I just don't feel like me. I felt really insecure and not confident. I guess I'm not detaching well enough or not detaching at all for that matter.

Then I realized that as I am almost feel like walking on egg shells and maybe I'm just trying to be too nice?? I feel like just letting go and just let what happen happens. I guess that's what detaching is? Im to the point that I'll do whatever I want to do and not worry about her.

I think right now I'm putting a lot of stress with myself to please my W? Is this normal for LBS?

I don't know I just feel beat up with this sitch. At one point maybe she's better off with the OM, I just felt inadequate for her. And maybe ill be happier with someone else. Maybe because I'm doing/worrying about what I can do on 180?

Today is definitely one of those days that I felt like giving up. Talk to me guys, I could use your thoughts.

Newman

[Desperate man]

Newman, I feel your pain and your thoughts. It's so strange how you can have a decent day then all the thoughts and questions start to swell up in your mind and it pulls you back down. That's where I am at also. Really the only thing that is keeping me sane is exercise. Do you have time to exercise? I have been dealing with the feeling of hopeless. Nothing seems to help, and being told to be patient is not that easy. Keep your head up and one day at a time. Is my daily slogan. DR

[25yearsmlc]

Before I go thru your post, I noticed you are not GAL much. TO me, GAL must involve meeting new people. And YOU CAN GAL even if you are so busy.

I lived in the interior of Alaska in the winter WITH a newborn and did a ton of GAL, b/c I had to. What choice did I really have?

I refused to surrender to the dark and cold of their winters...emotionally and socially.

You can GAL way more. JOIN something this week. Take a class, volunteer, coach, get into the parent teacher things, get involved. Your d17 will be out of the house soon. Do stuff with her b/c it's the right thing to do, (and b/c it moves most mothers) and b/c your d17 needs you now more than ever, but she may not express that.

use your remaining time better

Having just a crappy day. Went to d17 school with the W and I must admit I'm a little tired from work. Then to go to the school sit go through the periods were pretty tiring.

Hey, it's probably the last year you'll do that. Try to be positive about it. It's not fun to be around negativity anyhow and is that something your w mentioned as an issue?

I'm not clear on what she SAID her reasons for wanting out of the m are, other than OM.

And as for your d, Follow up with a teacher or two or ask your d questions about her classes and homework and any resources she might need for her college applications, etc.


Then I noticed W wasn't wearing her wedding ring so that added to my bad mood. I tried so hard not to mention it because I wasn't gonna let it bother me but it did and I did ask her. And her response is that she will wear it when she wants to.

so what did your asking accomplish? Remember that next time. INstead, you could have removed yours, or said nothing. But you HAD to ask her b/c "it bothered you". Hey, that cannot be enough of a reason b/c a lot of things are going to bother you in the coming year and

you cannot yield to temptation every time and blurt out your questions. Usually the answers are not what we want to hear. In fact they rarely are.

I don't know the whole time i was with them I felt out of place and also I just don't feel like me. I felt really insecure and not confident. I guess I'm not detaching well enough or not detaching at all for that matter.

true, you are not detaching yet. I'll post a short piece on detachment later but there are many posts around her on that topic. Look it up on the homepage or in the topics.


Then I realized that as I am almost feel like walking on egg shells and maybe I'm just trying to be too nice?? I feel like just letting go and just let what happen happens. I guess that's what detaching is? Im to the point that I'll do whatever I want to do and not worry about her.

I think right now I'm putting a lot of stress with myself to please my W? Is this normal for LBS?

It's normal but it's also very exhausting and hard to maintain. Something will have to give.

When you GAL , which we hammer here b/c it works, that will help you look more appealing to your w, feel better about yourself, and obsess less. You are not GAL FOR your wife, but it does have that byproduct, eventually. B/C how can you GAL and be content and pleasant and happy if she's made you out to be such a negative force?

BY GAL, you undermine her negative images AND you feel better too.

That will help in the detachment phase too.

I don't know I just feel beat up with this sitch. At one point maybe she's better off with the OM, I just felt inadequate for her. And maybe ill be happier with someone else. Maybe because I'm doing/worrying about what I can do on 180?

Today is definitely one of those days that I felt like giving up. Talk to me guys, I could use your thoughts.

Newman

Here's the piece on Detachment.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[newman7977]

Newman, I feel your pain and your thoughts. It's so strange how you can have a decent day then all the thoughts and questions start to swell up in your mind and it pulls you back down. That's where I am at also. Really the only thing that is keeping me sane is exercise. Do you have time to exercise? I have been dealing with the feeling of hopeless. Nothing seems to help, and being told to be patient is not that easy. Keep your head up and one day at a time. Is my daily slogan. DR

Thanks for chiming in DM. Appreciate the encouragement. Yeah man this is painful and such a roller coaster. I'm glad you're keeping your sanity in check. I'll visit your thread. You are right exercising help. I usually exercise in the morning but this morning I didn't because I only slept a few hours. That's when my mind and obsessions to all this came back. Good to hear from you.

Stay in touch.

Newman

[newman7977]

25ymlc,

Your posts are really helping keep them coming. I will re-read your post but you're right about asking the ring, I set myself up for that I knew I wouldn't like the answer. Yeah I'm struggling with detaching, I mean I read it and understand but I can't seem to apply it yet.

Regarding GALing, I would love to do stuff. I'm actually thinking of joining the gym, possibly volunteer for charity events, more exercise on the weekend. Honestly I fear that my wife will just justify her complaints about me in the past. You see last year I exercise a lot due to health reasons, I lost weight but the exercising took a lot of my weekend mornings away from the family. I think she has resentment on that. So since the INILWY bomb I cut down and only exercise one day during the weekend instead of saturday and Sunday. So that's my concern. What is your take on that? How can I GAL if I know W will see that as selfish me again?

Thanks for the help.

Newman