busted affair again!

[newman7977]

[quote=newman7977]

I'm not clear on what she SAID her reasons for wanting out of the m are, other than OM.

[/b]Her main reason are that she was unhappy for years, she lost her feelings for me, her love died and she doesn't know how to get it back, she doesnt want to pretend, she doesn't feel hugging me, lost the attraction to me, she has no sex drive, she can't stand me touching/kissing her. I think theres more but these are all I can remember. She also mentioned our issues were not because of the OM and if we were to D she's not going to be with him because he's from another state. So I think shes hoping to find the right one similar to OM, because to her she just doesn't feel it and can't commit to the marriage.[[b]
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[newman7977]

I'll try to have a positive outlook for this Friday. I didn't get to exercise today because I stayed in bed just to spend time with s3 before I go to work.

Yesterday was bad and I let that day dictate my mood. Today I will be positive and be myself lately I've been trying too cautious so that W won't see anything negative, but let's face it, majority of what I do now is negative for her. I've been moping around lately and this is not me. I will not worry about W's actions today. I will try to get my focus back for the kids and me. I need to GAL. But I still have question from my last post. I'm interested what your thoughts on that.

Newman

[newman7977]

The other thing that's really eating me lately is that d17 expressed to my mom that she thinks a lot of what's happening now is somewhat my fault. She doesn't know the A and we've talked to her about how this is equally both me and W's fault. She seemed she understood but I feel a little disconnect from her.

I just want to clarify that I don't intend to tell her W's EA because I know that would mess her up.

But how do I handle this, how more can I re-assure her that both me and her mom are equally at fault and not mostly me?

I think this is what really pulling me down. Also when I GAL wouldn't that clarify for her that "mom is right he's selfish doing his own things". My w was very vocal on her complaints during he years and she made sure everyone heard. Where I kept all that private because what mattered to me is my conscience not everyone's validation in the family.

I'll take your thoughts thanks again.

Newman

[25yearsmlc]

The other thing that's really eating me lately is that d17 expressed to my mom that she thinks a lot of what's happening now is somewhat my fault. She doesn't know the A and we've talked to her about how this is equally both me and W's fault. She seemed she understood but I feel a little disconnect from her.

I just want to clarify that I don't intend to tell her W's EA because I know that would mess her up.

But how do I handle this, how more can I re-assure her that both me and her mom are equally at fault and not mostly me?

YOU do not. You don't get out the score card to show your d your grievance list so that she'll see the fault of your w. IT's petty and unhelpful and it will backfire in your r with your d AND your r with your w. Let her take some of the heat if you feel it's unfairly aimed at you. Without saying it, she'll know you have a trump card so she ought to share some more of the responsibility with your d. But YOU saying it, Is the last thing you do.

In my h's case when his parents divorced, I had not yet met him or his parents.

When I finally met his mother, they'd been divorced 2 years. His mother CONSTANTLY bashed his dad. I literally did not know his actual name b/c of what SHE referred to him as.

Granted, a lot of it was deserved. But Finally I met the FIL and he never once criticized his ex w.

That made a huge impression on me. I never forgot that.


I think this is what really pulling me down. Also when I GAL wouldn't that clarify for her that "mom is right he's selfish doing his own things".

why must your GAL only involve YOU alone? Take a child with you for some of it, certainly over the weekends. Can't you do a hobby or sport or volunteer work WITH a child?


My w was very vocal on her complaints during he years and she made sure everyone heard. Where I kept all that private because what mattered to me is my conscience not everyone's validation in the family.

I'll take your thoughts thanks again.

Newman

well you did tell others about the OM so I'm not clear on how silent you were. But your d has eyes. She knows more than you realize and

I would hold my head high and worry MUCH MORE about her feeling reassured of your love for her-

than her love for you.

You know the truth and for now that must be enough.

When my uncle left my aunt for OW, my aunt NEVER told her kids and they were sort of baffled by their parent's divorce. Years later when OW got cancer, my aunt slipped up and said "only the good die young so she'll survive" and this shocked her d. Finally my aunt apologized and said "I never really felt fairly treated by your father b/c he cheated and she knew we were married and had kids..." and only then did my cousin realize the real reason her father raised HIS STEP kids and not his real kids...

Be the parent/adult in the r. Reach out to comfort her instead of wanting to be comforted by your d.

Make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=newman7977]

I'm not clear on what she SAID her reasons for wanting out of the m are, other than OM.

[/b]Her main reason are that she was unhappy for years, she lost her feelings for me, her love died and she doesn't know how to get it back, she doesnt want to pretend, she doesn't feel hugging me, lost the attraction to me, she has no sex drive, she can't stand me touching/kissing her. I think theres more but these are all I can remember. She also mentioned our issues were not because of the OM and if we were to D she's not going to be with him because he's from another state. So I think shes hoping to find the right one similar to OM, because to her she just doesn't feel it and can't commit to the marriage.[[b]
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

almost all of what you said about her reasons are about HER and not you.

Surely she had SOME complaints, like the one you mention later about being selfish and on your own w/your GAL things...

think about THOSE types of complaints more so you can do better 180s.

[newman7977]

The other thing that's really eating me lately is that d17 expressed to my mom that she thinks a lot of what's happening now is somewhat my fault. She doesn't know the A and we've talked to her about how this is equally both me and W's fault. She seemed she understood but I feel a little disconnect from her.

I just want to clarify that I don't intend to tell her W's EA because I know that would mess her up.

But how do I handle this, how more can I re-assure her that both me and her mom are equally at fault and not mostly me?

YOU do not. You don't get out the score card to show your d your grievance list so that she'll see the fault of your w. IT's petty and unhelpful and it will backfire in your r with your d AND your r with your w. Let her take some of the heat if you feel it's unfairly aimed at you. Without saying it, she'll know you have a trump card so she ought to share some more of the responsibility with your d. But YOU saying it, Is the last thing you do.

In my h's case when his parents divorced, I had not yet met him or his parents.

When I finally met his mother, they'd been divorced 2 years. His mother CONSTANTLY bashed his dad. I literally did not know his actual name b/c of what SHE referred to him as.

Granted, a lot of it was deserved. But Finally I met the FIL and he never once criticized his ex w.

That made a huge impression on me. I never forgot that.


I think this is what really pulling me down. Also when I GAL wouldn't that clarify for her that "mom is right he's selfish doing his own things".

why must your GAL only involve YOU alone? Take a child with you for some of it, certainly over the weekends. Can't you do a hobby or sport or volunteer work WITH a child?


My w was very vocal on her complaints during he years and she made sure everyone heard. Where I kept all that private because what mattered to me is my conscience not everyone's validation in the family.

I'll take your thoughts thanks again.

Newman

well you did tell others about the OM so I'm not clear on how silent you were. But your d has eyes. She knows more than you realize and

I would hold my head high and worry MUCH MORE about her feeling reassured of your love for her-

than her love for you.

You know the truth and for now that must be enough.

When my uncle left my aunt for OW, my aunt NEVER told her kids and they were sort of baffled by their parent's divorce. Years later when OW got cancer, my aunt slipped up and said "only the good die young so she'll survive" and this shocked her d. Finally my aunt apologized and said "I never really felt fairly treated by your father b/c he cheated and she knew we were married and had kids..." and only then did my cousin realize the real reason her father raised HIS STEP kids and not his real kids...

Be the parent/adult in the r. Reach out to comfort her instead of wanting to be comforted by your d.

Make sense?

Make sense. I really appreciate your thoughts and sharing some your experiences. These are some true reminders for me and since this whole ordeal I somehow lost what's important. I have to show my kids the love for their comfort not the other way around. I think because it's been so long since I felt the love from my W.

[newman7977]

[quote=newman7977]

I'm not clear on what she SAID her reasons for wanting out of the m are, other than OM.

[/b]Her main reason are that she was unhappy for years, she lost her feelings for me, her love died and she doesn't know how to get it back, she doesnt want to pretend, she doesn't feel hugging me, lost the attraction to me, she has no sex drive, she can't stand me touching/kissing her. I think theres more but these are all I can remember. She also mentioned our issues were not because of the OM and if we were to D she's not going to be with him because he's from another state. So I think shes hoping to find the right one similar to OM, because to her she just doesn't feel it and can't commit to the marriage.[[b]
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

almost all of what you said about her reasons are about HER and not you.

Surely she had SOME complaints, like the one you mention later about being selfish and on your own w/your GAL things...

think about THOSE types of complaints more so you can do better 180s.

Ok that's interesting how I unconsciously named her reasons. I'll write them down here so I can remind myself. Her complaints about me and her reasons for getting out of the M:

1) I'm selfish

2) I was not a good enough father

3) I neglected her-complaint that how many times have I texted her to check in

4) Although at the time she was ok with this, but she resented the fact that I was out Sat & Sun excercising--she felt lonely

5) I was controlling

6) I never took initiative to take her out on a date

7) I never like going to the In-laws house

8) I was always depended on her to buy dinner, go to the market the point is I waited for her to get home to make a decision.

These are all I can remember. She said these are little things that add up through the years. Although, I don't completely agree with all of these but these are her complaints about me.

So I see now where I can go on my 180s. The GAL, you opened my eyes, I can do stuff with the kids. I am actually googled some activities for this Sunday. Just need to put it into action. I'll start with baby steps.

Newman

[newman7977]

Journaling,

Well I was able to rack some miles in my road bike today, it was enough to get me that feel good brain chemical lol. Tomorrow, Sunday morning I will join the group I've been riding with--just haven't ridden in 3 weeks.

So today Saturday, the rollercoaster goes on. While I was getting ready to go out to ride, W seem to be upbeat with me. She mentioned how busy she's been the last three days and basically gave me the scoop at what's happening to her work.

I engaged and really held back on giving advise and just STHU my mouth and just really tried to listen and validate. There was this little voices in my head coming from the posts here in DB and telling me "newman be a good listener!"

But I as mentioned I was GAL and was about to ride my bike. When W finished talking, I continued on my business and I left. Now is that a good move or should I have stuck around for more talking?

So the day went on and I got home. Another surprise is W asked me to pick up S12 cake, we are celebrating his b-day today. I say this is surprise because lately she's been asking people other than me for favors. So of course I said sure and I even took S12 with me. My question to the vets here, is this normal to the WAS, when they stopped asking LBS for favors as if making them feel very little? My W does this to me and it use to bug me maybe that's why she was doing that--but not today.

S12 and I had a good drive to the place, we talked, we had fun, and we ate lunch. It was sincerely good time and I felt good.

I was a little nervous about the get together, IL's came including SIL and her H (the only one that knows the EA in her family). This is the first time seeing them after the blow-up on 9/5. I talked briefly to SIL's H about the sitch and he's a little reserved about his opinions and he ask if we can hang out soon. Seems like he wants to talk more but not comfortable with everyone in the house. So one of these days will hang out.

Another positive is that W even put together my food and somehow when we bump each other, she was even playful about bumping me back. I'm like WTH,-- in my mind that is.

SIL and her H was the last one to leave so I thought they will talk about the sitch, but they didn't they just said how we doing and that was it. I'm kind of glad we didn't talk about it since it would put pressure to my W.

When everyone left all 5 of us just hanging out and talking and watching tv it was pleasant. W is still upbeat. We are talking about a big house and W said maybe we should buy a big house. Now this is the first time since the bomb. Since then I've been saying this and she always said a cold "NO". But tonight was different.

I can't make any sense of what's happening. I know that we are far from R. We are still sleeping separately. But it's good to see this little positives. Maybe it's nothing.

Anyway another day tomorrow. I will GAL with the kids since W is going with her co-workers to go out. This is within the norm they do this about once every two months.

What are you guys' thoughts? Sandi and Denver haven't heard from you guys, you guys are on long weekend or something? DM how you've been I'll check your thread shortly. 25yrsmlc, jack3, another stander thanks for keeping me in check lately. Chime in if you can.

PS sorry for the long post, typos, and grammar errors

Newman

[Desperate man]

Newman, sounds like you had a good day yesterday. Sure makes you feel good, but reserved. My W has been doing the same thing when comes to asking me for help. She won't and its like she will not because it would make me feel like she needs me. Which if you really think about she doesn't. Good to hear about your bike ride. I agree it sure makes you feel better. Also hope these little signs are the start in the right direction. It makes you feel reserved doesn't it. I be afraid to allow myself to be run over again, but if you do not take the risk you will never start the healing process. Stay strong and keep posting your stch is so similar to mine that I have been reading your instead of mine. DM

[longrun]

I can't make any sense of what's happening.

You needn't. What you are writing has a good "vibe". Keep up the spirit. Over time there is a chance that W is meandering back to you.