busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Sandi and Denver please keep posting. I'm reading your sitchs lots of helpful advice and eye opening info.

Denver so far from your sitch I'm taking in how you'd truly love and cared for your W unconditionally. And this can help me understand myself.

Sandi, through your sitch I'm understanding what my w is feeling and how I can truly find the way for me to own up to how I helped her to be the way she felt.

Im still reading, will post more later.

Newman

[AnotherStander]

Newman, you mentioned detaching and GAL'ing, but then you say things like you told your W's family about your sitch and had them talk to her, and you've confronted her about the EA multiple times. Please understand, that is NOT detachment!! You're doing the opposite of detaching, you're pursuing and applying pressure to her!! Here are some of Michele's 180 tips:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

You get the idea. Detachment is all about removing ALL pressure from your W. No R talks, no S talks, no D talks, no EA talks, no OM talks at all. Just act "as if" everything is OK even if it isn't. She says she wants to leave? Tell her you understand why she feels that way and maybe it's best for both of you if she does. The more pressure you apply the more you'll solidify her decision to leave. The more you go with the flow, the more free she will feel and less inclined she'll be to do something drastic. SHE has to sort through her thoughts and emotions, all YOU can do is work on yourself. Become confident, healthy, good-looking, kind, loving. Work out, get in shape. Get in touch with old friends. Go out. By mysterious. Be a person she can't live without. You may have to fake it at first, but eventually you'll believe it yourself and won't be faking it anymore.

[Denver_2010]

Sandi and Denver please keep posting. I'm reading your sitchs lots of helpful advice and eye opening info.

Denver so far from your sitch I'm taking in how you'd truly love and cared for your W unconditionally. And this can help me understand myself.

Sandi, through your sitch I'm understanding what my w is feeling and how I can truly find the way for me to own up to how I helped her to be the way she felt.

Im still reading, will post more later.

Newman

The hardest thing that I have ever had to do Newman.

[sandi2]

Detaching seems to be a difficult concept for some folks because they think detaching isn't possible unless they act cold, mad, withdrawn, or some other negative behavior. Let me be quick to tell you that that type of behavior will not succeed in drawing your W back into a R with you. Detaching emotionally means that you do not allow your emotion to react to whatever your W may do. She may say something nice to you........don't react. Don't make it more than what it is. She may say something not so nice....you apply the same technique. Don't react and don't make it more than what it is.

Your actions last night was fine. Better than just fine, it was really good! You did not react to her not immediately responding when you went in the house. Instead, you took the lead and spoke with the same courtesy that you would have toward a total stranger. You did not allow your hurt emotions to take the reigns and ruin the family time together. Not only did your W respond to you, but even your teenage D joined in with the family! Personally, I don't think that you behaved in a pursuing manner. Usually, a woman feels that the man is expecting something in return whenever he pursues her. Apparently, she did not feel you were doing that last night.

Women are attracted to men who will lay aside their hurt feelings and will stand tall, leading his family (even if for one night.....even if it's helping with a three year old.....)and show his kids how a daddy is suppose act when he's home from work.

Women are attracted to men who are confident. When the military takes new recruits, they train them to stand tall with their chin up, shoulders back, chest out, and stomach held in. It's not just to make them look good in a uniform, but to be the total picture of confidence. I can't stress enough just how important it is that your W sees that you are confident in being a man. You may feel far from it, right now, but remember than you won her heart once.....and you can do it again. However, this time around will probably be harder.

This time around, you can't chase her. She liked it once, but she doesn't like it now. Everything you try, is like putting pressure on her. For example.........if you tell her you love her. She knows that you want to hear her say it back to you. The only results from her will be anger. She can see through those "attempts" of trying to get her to say or do things. Believe me, it doesn't work.

Whenever you have one of your moments that you want to grab her and pour out your heart of love, just remember that it will be like setting a match to gasoline. Those type of wrong moves is what pushes women to go from talking about being unhappy one day.....to saying they want a divorce the next. The H is always so dumbfounded and wonders what just happened. It's called "pressure". The H has certain desires and expresses those desire in one form or another, but instead of getting the response he expected......she reacts to the pressure she felt.

So, I hope you will stick with us here, and learn what not to do. It's like Michelle said in one of her books, we may not always know what works......but we usually know what doesn't work. Therefore, don't misunderstand if you start to get more negative advice, than positive, b/c it's just your friends here in the DB community telling you what doesn't work.

Take care.

[newman7977]

So I'm still taking in what I've been reading so far, lots of info to take in. So the more I realize what ive wronged in our R, the more I want to reach out to my W. I know not a good idea right now because that would turn her off because its being clingy. But is this normal?

Any advice to fight the urge to initiate contact?

[newman7977]

Sandi, didn't see your post prior to me sending my post. I'll read when I get home. I gotta get back to work and thanks. I'll post later.

[Denver_2010]

So I'm still taking in what I've been reading so far, lots of info to take in. So the more I realize what ive wronged in our R, the more I want to reach out to my W. I know not a good idea right now because that would turn her off because its being clingy. But is this normal?

Any advice to fight the urge to initiate contact?

Practice. LOL! I know that the urge is strong. Whenever I would have it, I would try to remind myself that I was actually doing myself, and my cause, harm by doing it. That helped.

I know that you want to reach out to her and let her know all that you are realizing right now. The time will come when you will get that opportunity. So not now. If and when that opportunity does come up, you need to listen to your W's complaints, and validate her feelings.

You communicate that you 'get it' and that you are changing with actions, not words. As 25MLC states often (paraphrasing):

Consistent action/changes + lots of time = Change that your W can trust.

And this will take lots of time. So sit back, try to have a PMA, GAL, and enjoy the ride as much as possible.

When I say 'enjoy', I mean, try not to be miserable and be consumed by this ALL of the time. Easier said than done. Trust me, I know.

I was often told that I had been given the gift of time. I never really got that until I had a chance to look back in hindsight. But what I think that it means is that you have been given a gift of time to become a better man, to think about what makes YOU happy, to pursue personal interests and hobbies, to become comfortable in your own skin.

I watched a movie the other night called 'The Changeup'. Not really about this stuff, but there is a scene that reminded me of this 'the gift of time' thing. In the movie, the married guy who has 3 kids, and a stressful job, is switched into the body and life of a single guy who has absolutely no responsibilities. In the particular scene that I am referencing, the married guy (now in the single guy's body) realizes that he might as well enjoy his time with no responsibility. He goes out and starts doing all of this fun stuff, and things that he has never done before. He goes go-carting, goes to the baseball batting cages, goes to a planetareum, goes to sea world, and a few other things. THIS is what I wished that I had done during my time away from W. Anyway, check out the movie. If nothing else, it is hilarious.

Denver

[Desperate man]

Newman,
Wow I just read your Sitch. As I am reading it was like I wrote all of your comments. My Sitch is almost identical. M 17 years and with little to no problems until 5 months ago. I to am riding this emotional roller coaster, where I cannot sleep or it wakes me up early. This hurts so bad and you really cannot put your finger on why. I am going to follow your posts, it does help having the support of everyone on here. DM

[sandi2]

I think it must be very normal for the LBS to want the WAS more than ever when that love is in danger of being lost. It makes you want to hold on tighter (thinking that they can't escape), but actually it causes them to resist you more. That is why you can't afford to show that neediness at this time. She doesn't want to see you "needing" her. In fact, IMHO, (not Michelle's) I think the WAS needs to believe that the LBS is dumping them. B/c, as you just pointed out, you want what you think you've lost. If the WAS doesn't suffer some type of "loss" then they aren't going to change their direction....and certainly not for long term.

If my H had told me to hit the road b/c he was going to find a woman who was worth having him.....and then acted accordingly....it would have yanked a kink in my cheating tail and got some sense back into my fogged out brain. But he didn't, and I had no respect or love, and certainly no sexual attraction for him.

You see, anger, demands, pressure, neediness, begging, promises.....none of that is attractive before M...and sure isn't afterwards! You have to have dignity and self-confidence or the WAS will chew up your heart in spit it back in your face. This is not the girl you M. You have to stop expecting her to snap out of it and suddenly realize how badly she's hurting you. The awful truth is that's not going to happen. If she rejects this OM and stops all contact with him and chooses you and the M....it will be b/c she sees something there worth saving or else she doesn't want to lose something (which may vary with different people). But she won't see it by you pointing it out to her. Do you hear what I'm saying? That's why you can't have those R talks with her right now. It doesn't work. That's why MC doesn't work at this point. You can't talk your way back....you just have to "become" the man you should have been all this time. Counseling doesn't work for the person who doesn't want to be M. She has to have the desire to be willing to try. That usually takes quite a long time. But, it can happen. If it couldn't....I wouldn't waste time on this board.

Things will probably get worse before it gets better, so prepare for it. How? Just keep your focus on yourself and the kids. Make goals for improving yourself and work toward those goals a little every day.

Don't stop posting.

[newman7977]

DM,

That's what compelled me about this site the similarities are almost creepy. But its comforting to know that we are getting advise from people that actually went through this same pain or going through the same pain.

Yes absolutely take in all you can get from all the posters here. I've read through a lot and take in a lot of info as well. Stay in touch I'll read your sitch.

Newman