i think bug is right.. and he also never takes responsibility for anything, never truly grows up? it sounded like what an adolescent would write. i hope that does not sound harsh brit. i think i do the same sometimes
i think it is a defense, prevents us from taking a risk, there is an element of safety and distance involved in that stance in the world. but it also prevents us from knowing and going after that which we truly want.
it is probably part too of the flip positive qualities that attracted you.
did it bother you much that he did this?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Yes...it is the flip quality I even mentioned this to him. I love that he always volunteers to help people. He always wants to be the good guy like Bug says. But he can never set boundaries.
So although he is always there for everyone there's a point where he's not there for me. IE he's off doing odd jobs for his family and our home repairs don't happen for ages. Or he simply didn't have time to spend with us because he'd committed himself to doing things for friends and family.
AND although the wants to be the good guy all the time, he overextends himself and then gets bitter that he's "got to fix my mother's effing car AGAIN" or whatever. I'm a big believer in if you're not doing a favour with a happy heart then don't do it.
I on the other hand often sign up for things and then feel guilty when it comes closer and I cancel because I don't want to do it, can't do it, or had a look at my budget and can't afford it. I'm unable to do something tonight and feel bad because I'm unable to let the guy know. I am also cancelling on a girls weekend in a few weeks time. I really need to stop saying yes, and take 2 days to think before saying yes.
At any rate, you guys are right. He is very adolescent in a lot of ways. Did you read where I told you he would stay up late be really tired for work but not want to have a bedtime and hated being reminded that he went to bed earlier he wouldn't be tired in the morning? He has never learned to wake up to an alarm. I would always have to kick him as his alarm went off and he and his family laugh about it. Yeah, H never wakes up to an alarm...once a next door neighbour was banging on the door because his alarm had been going off for an hour.
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And he was more charming and willing to hide those parts of his personality.
I've been reading Pia Mellody Love Addiction and now I know that I have to take responsibility. I was a love addict and blinded to those things. whew....
I was inspired by ScaredSilly writing out her list of what she wants/values in a partner. Her H has asked her what he should do to make it work.
I dug back through my journal for my lists. My IC had advised me to make a list and she said subconsciously I would begin finding those qualities in people.
First I was overwhelmed with compassion for myself when reading some of those old journal entries. I even said in one days after the split "I feel so lost" I am so happy that I found all those tools here and in books that helped me find myself. And my list is laughable at times "strong jaw, floppy hair" LMAO
Here's the edited list: I want them to value travel and expeirences over material things because those can never be taken away. Has a positive outlook on life is open minded, liberal, tolerant, charitable, loyal, faithful, funny, open not aloof, loving, caring, touchy feely, romantic, creative, imaginative, outgoing and talkative in social situations, enjoys a drink, likes to have a good time, dances (doesn't have to be any good but doesn't take himself too seriously), Loves to explore new places, is active, wants kids, polite/well mannered, hard working, has initiative
wow brit..floppy hair? i remember lmao at that. anyway. im glad im "one of the cool kids". lol
so im gonna weigh in on the dating thing once again. on the dating story thread. not gonna hijack cuz im gonna start a sh1tstorm. anyway. i like the squeege thing. it makes sense. it needs to happen i think. each person has their own timeline.
seeing how blind i was makes me laugh. i totally relate with you. i too ignored stuff because the idea of love was more important. i think she did the same. i wasnt the best H, but thankfully for this sitch i know i will be. sometimes i feel guilty when i talk to women. all the stuff i learned here and in books does work. you know, like paying attention when someone is talking to you. lol
brit, keep doin your thing. advice is great and appreciated. ultimately, you have to decide for you. thats where the freedom is. being selfish isnt always bad. i think when you can love yourself, you in turn can love people that much more. kinda like the circle of life in the movie the Lion King. maybe the circle of love? idk.. im rambling.
i'll make it a point to post as often as i can. i too would like to stay in touch. i got my rockstar shades on. you get yours yet?
No you are absolutely correct!! I agree you can't give love if you don't have any inside. People try to find it in others because they don't know themselves.
I have my rock star shades they're aviators. I feel very Kate Hudson in them!
I love your list and what it says about you and what you value in your life. I like what your IC said about finding those traits once you identify them.
As for your H... LOL at your alarm stories.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
