my h would do everything i asked for and more - but no matter how profusely i said thanks to him he never felt that i appreciated it. NOW i understand why - i didn't show him appreciation in HIS love language - i did it in mine.
so i think doing the 180's applies here still. and you need to find the LL that he can hear your appreciation in. maybe you have to try each of the 5 out one at a time for a few weeks each to see if any of them makes the difference.
This made me pause. I think you are right that I've been showing him affirmation/appreciation in my LL instead of his. I have the 5 LL downloaded to my Nook. Guess that's my required reading for this week.
Originally Posted By: zig
I feel like a failure for not being able to fix this. Which brings up feelings of never being able to do anything right according to my mother
this is more disturbing to me - are you still in fixer mode? how much do you believe that you have truly resolved your own inner issues, from a long time ago?
the dynamics and the patterns between the 2 of you cannot truly change until one person takes the real steps. if you have unresolved issues - you need to address them, because it will totally change your emotional mindset, and then you can change the dynamics between the 2 of you. and once you change your energy, the pattern has to shift (((((( ))))))) zig
I've been really trying to stay away from the fixer role. Because that's where I live. H even said so last night. But please don't be disturbed. It really just boils down to mother issues. I spent a year in therapy working through most of them. I am better than I used to be, but things still come up. I spent every day for the first 18 years of my life trying to be good enough for my mother. When I got married, the need to be perfect was transferred there. Little did I know that by doing that I was actually shutting my H out. And here we are as a result.
It is hard to be aware of that stuff when it is happening.. I did the same, shut my W out in ways without realizing it. Please remind yourself that you did your best, if you had known differently, you would have done it. I think Ms bring out those issues for healing... unfortunately, we live in a society that does not understand and support this process.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Little did I know that by doing that I was actually shutting my H out. And here we are as a result.
yes that's what i've spent this year uncovering - all the unresolved issues within myself that made me shut myself away from everyone else.
i really believe the key to all of this is to make ourselves emotionally healthy and whole. anything within us that is unresolved tends to reflect in the relationship, because we are an integral part of how the patterns work
so if you have the urge to "fix" like all of us do - keep fixing yourself. be relentless in that pursuit, make it your first priority
from what you wrote, is it possible that you are focusing on your mother and the issues you had with her? maybe you could put her aside and see what is behind your having needed to be so perfect? could it be she was just the trigger in some way?
my need to be perfect - came up when s was born big-time - and i transformed into an OC monster overnight. everything had to be just right. you know it's funny, but i think that the dynamics between h and myself brought that out. after he moved out it became so much easier not to be that. so i wonder if 2 people actually bring out certain aspects of each others character over time
well enough for tonight - you have a lot to mull over and maybe taking a mental break from it would be better than anything else
take care RoRo
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
It is hard to be aware of that stuff when it is happening.. I did the same, shut my W out in ways without realizing it. Please remind yourself that you did your best, if you had known differently, you would have done it. I think Ms bring out those issues for healing... unfortunately, we live in a society that does not understand and support this process.
Thanks for stopping by ng! There are many things I wished I had known before. I can say, though, that the changes I have made show me that when you know better, you do better.
Zig, it's hard to put my mother to the side when the reason I feel this way is because she has compared me to my twin sister every day of my life. And I mean literally compared EVERYTHING, from report cards, spelling bee results, down to how straight my legs were doing a cartwheel. Our relationship is much better than it used to be, but some of the underlying feelings for me still come up.
That must have been really really hard for you RoRo, when you were a child and all those years.{{{{{{{ }}}}}}} I went through the same with my brother - but it was our grandmother not my mom
what about your twin sister - what is your relationship with her? is it warm and close and loving?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I can say, though, that the changes I have made show me that when you know better, you do better.
Love that! So true!
This growth stuff can be mighty painful.. but you know what, I do not think I would trade it. Much as I fight this place I am in w/ W, in my heart I know this is where I need to be for me.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
That must have been really really hard for you RoRo, when you were a child and all those years.{{{{{{{ }}}}}}} I went through the same with my brother - but it was our grandmother not my mom
what about your twin sister - what is your relationship with her? is it warm and close and loving?
I love my sister to death. We've had some rough spots but are ok now. Funny thing is that she remembers our childhood completely different than I do.
I can say, though, that the changes I have made show me that when you know better, you do better.
Love that! So true!
This growth stuff can be mighty painful.. but you know what, I do not think I would trade it. Much as I fight this place I am in w/ W, in my heart I know this is where I need to be for me.
Ro, I think this is just another step in the process. These points come along and we are given the opportunity to peel back another layer (by the time this is over I hope I've peeled off enough to be the 120# I've always wanted to be!)
You are so much farther along than even 6 months ago. You see that don't you?
I think your H, like most of the spouses here has his own stuff he's sifting through, trying to make sense of.
Will he figure it out? Who knows?
Is it worth waiting longer to see?
Only you know that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
