busted affair again!

[Denver_2010]

Denver, any more thoughts behind why this is interesting?

I just mean that what you are doing is a bit different than how I see most situations here go. Not saying that it's a bad thing. But it will be interesting to see how it goes.

I'm not sure who the walk away spouse is here anymore either.

I like your post on 'letting go'. It is true.

During this 'trial separation', do let go. Be kind to your W and love her from a distance. Be the man that YOU want to be. Follow your path... and let your W follow her's. See if they cross again down the road.

You have an opportunity here Newman. An opportunity to grow as a human being. And, possibly, to create a whole new M... a better one.

Google the story of the 'chinese bamboo tree'.

[newman7977]

Denver,

I'll check out that story during my lunch at work.

Is it possible I'm becoming a WAS? I am starting to have a lot of resentment towards W's actions but at the same time I still love her very much.

I am still scared of this trial separation. I'm aware that this could be what W really want for her life to be OR she could miss the life she has with me and our family. I mean, we tried for 4mos since the bomb on the EA, we were together and nothing changed the attachment to OM is really strong.

OM lives thousand of miles away so the romantic stage is very strong since all they have is the communication without any stressors of life, just the beautiful fantasy words behind the computer--but she doesnt get that. And I think at the same time when she's not communicating with OM she's getting the convenience of relationship when she gets home with me.

Actually, it's been over a year since the ILY...bomb. Since then she's expressed that she wants to work things with us BUT she doesn't know how to get it back--the feelings for me. I'm simply just a friend and the father to our kids nothing more, she even express she feels trapped and she doesn't want to commit. I think because her feelings are preoccupied with OM. I don't stand a chance against OM, all I have to offer her is the reality of life and unfortunately with everyday stress, although she noticed my good changes but seemed like they're not enough to go against her fantasy.

I don't want a divorce, I just want her to realize what she really wants in her life. And if to love her means to let her go then I will.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Denver, any more thoughts behind why this is interesting?

I just mean that what you are doing is a bit different than how I see most situations here go. Not saying that it's a bad thing. But it will be interesting to see how it goes.

I'm not sure who the walk away spouse is here anymore either.

I like your post on 'letting go'. It is true.

During this 'trial separation', do let go. Be kind to your W and love her from a distance. Be the man that YOU want to be. Follow your path... and let your W follow her's. See if they cross again down the road.

You have an opportunity here Newman. An opportunity to grow as a human being. And, possibly, to create a whole new M... a better one.

Google the story of the 'chinese bamboo tree'.

The paths don't have to cross at all. YOu guys life's outside the household can be almost completely different. As long as you respect and support each other then it really does not matter that much.

The problem how to we got into these sitches is respect was lost, and our WAS entitled themself to full scale "cake eating" and we paid for it. Your not going to intentially let that happen again are you?

Just do whatever it is you need to do.

[Denver_2010]

I do think that it is possible for you to become the WAS. I'm not sure that I'd classify you as that at this point. I guess that I was surprised that YOU suggested the separation right after she supposedly ended things with OM.

That part about your W not knowing how to get those feelings for you back? VERY common problem around here. Even those of us who have been lucky enough to get our wives to reconsider, have struggled with that part.

How do you get someone to be IN LOVE with you again... especially when their mind is lost in the glitter of a new relationship??

Honestly, I don't think that you can. I tried and tried and tried for over a year. It finally took me giving up and being DONE for my W to realize what she was throwing away. I finally told her that I wanted a D, completed the paperwork, and asked her to sign the documents. We didn't talk for about a month and the paperwork just sat there. I went almost completely dark on my W. Somehow, someway, she snapped out of it and began to contact me... wondering if I would consider continuing to work on our M. She moved back into our house within a week... after 18 months of being physically separated... 18 months of pure hell. And things are finally good. Her feelings for me did come back.

Prior to that, all I heard was that she didn't know if those feelings would ever come back, she didn't know if she could forgive me, that OM was "a chance at happiness" that she was scared to give up.

Maybe this separation will be the answer for you. I don't know. What I do know is that you have to let her travel her own path here. And that MAY include OM being a part of it. If she has feelings for him, she is going to have to resolve that for herself. And you are going to have to let her. You cannot force it to happen and you can not expedite it happening. She has to go through it.

Keep posting. Hang in there. I know how hard and painful this is.

Denver

[newman7977]

Denver,

Thanks your posts are really helping. I'm reading your sitch. I read your ILs went dark on you. I'm actually noticed that this past weekend, the replies have stopped. But I can't be surprise since blood is thicker than water.

I feel this tremendous itch to TM my W but I know I can't. It will be seen as pursuing. I just wanna tell her that I love her so much, and I can't believe that we are even avoiding accidental contact with each other when we pass each other in our hallway.

I can't believe two people can become such strangers after 18yrs of sharing our lives together. She was always my life, every decisions, every plan I always considered her opinions.

Nowadays, she cant even change in front of me--what's up with that?!

She's done a wonderful job detaching from me.

I'm just venting. This really blows!

I hope it truly does get easier.

[sandi2]

I don't think this "trial" separation is going to work out the way you'd hoped. For one thing, it's your desparate attempt at finding a gimick that will do the trick to getting your W out of her EA and back into your arms again.

Here's what will happen. While you will be able to think of nothing else but how much you love your W (even now more than ever).....she, on the other hand, will decide that she really likes living apart and doesn't won't to get back together.

Sorry, but there's no quick fixes when you have a WAW in an EA. The power of her fantasy is too strong. When her sister shamed her into saying she'd give up the OM and try again with you....your W may meant it at the time. But as you discovered, the seductive power in the words of the OM and the thrill of her fantasy was stronger than the shame that you and your SIL tried to lay on her.

Don't look at the OM. Don't look at the A. Don't even look at your W. Look in the mirror. That's where you have to start the work. Your W doesn't feel any attraction for you...and really just doesn't feel anything at all. And, that part about not undressing in front of you? Yes, I know why she stopped. She doesn't want to act like she's your W, and that's her way of showing she's "faithful" to her A lover. It makes no difference that he's hundreds of miles away. When a W stops undressing in front of her H, that's a sure sign that she's already detached. Sad thing is, many H's don't even notice at first. Then one day it hits him.

Anyway, your M can be saved. It won't happen quickly (if you don't want another EA in the near future) and it won't be with you pursuing her or having long R talks (to fix things). So get ready to climb a big moutain. But no matter how high the moutain, you get to the top by taking one step at a time.

Take care.

[Denver_2010]

I tend to agree with Sandi. She definitely knows what she is talking about and offers the perspective of a WAW.

She's also absolutely right about why your W won't change in front of you. Same thing happened to me very soon after the bomb. I didn't see my W change clothes until almost 19 months later.

My guess is that this separation is going to push your W farther into her EA. I also don't think that that's necessarily a bad thing if YOU handle it right. You have to let her go down this path. It's the only chance that you have.

[newman7977]

Thanks sandi2 you speak the truth and it hurts. I will digest your post as there's a lot of kick in the rear there at the same time motivation and reminder that I should start with me first.

[newman7977]

Denver, you're right I can't unrung the bell. I have no choice but to handle this right. I will try to put OM in the back burner so as the affair.

[newman7977]

Journaling--

I sat in my car in the garage and tried to digest sandi's post and somehow got me to get a hold of myself. I had a reflection on how I've been handling on to things all day and somehow I felt better.

I went inside and W didn't greet me. I was hurt but I didn't make a big deal. I just reminded myself of one of the 180 I'm doing during the last month which is to make a positive environment between myself and W.

She cooked dinner and yes the avoiding contact is still there but I wanted to be cordial and said hi W. She responded and not only that, she also told me about her day was and, how busy she was all day. She also asked my day and I told her not bad.

I proceeded and played with s3 in the backyard, d17 was upbeat and also hanged out. W also followed, and had interactions with us. I asked If she had check s12 homework and if not if she could please check it.

Later on I went to check on s12, and had a little talked with him and gave him a playful hug. We had dinner and told my wife the dinner was good and thanked her. She had somewhat of a surprise look on her face but I didn't ask why we just continued to watch tv.

I didn't mention the trial separation, I just want to keep the positive feelings for the night. I'm bunking w s12 tonight and tomorrow and I get MB on wed and thurs.

Im a little worried that the communication with W is somewhat of a pursuit? I didn't think it was but maybe I have missed anything? Any thoughts?

I will bury OM and EA sitch for now...I just hope I can keep it burried for a while and just concentrate on working on me.

I just wish I can get enough sleep so that I can run in the park in the morning before work.