Somewhere out there is your quarterback just waiting for you turn up with those pompoms. Maybe it's your H and he's just in spring training!
I am not the best to advise being someone who has given up. But maybe it's more of a case of beginners mind. The only options aren't to continue on course or to give up. As you say you could step WAY back. You could just focus on you, becoming the woman you want to be etc, leaving the door open but not trying to lead him through it.
I'm losing my own analogy here but I would just say that there are several inbetweens.
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There's a lot of pain on his side that I think he needs to let out, but won't. He says he thinks about our sitch a lot and how he has hurt me
awww this...he needs to forgive himself. He must be putting himself through hell. He probably feels like he doesn't deserve you.
Thanks Brit for your post! I feel like I have spent these last 8 months becoming the woman I want to be (mostly anyway - after last night, I realize I have more stuff to work on). I don't plan on stopping that now.
I'm just not sure what to do DB-wise from here. Maybe I need to use my last call to my DB coach?
Sorry, Ro. Sometimes these converations need to happen to create movement in our lives. At least that's how it worked for me.
So what do you want?
I'm really feeling like there is no hope, so #1 is looking like the safest option for my heart right now.
This last statement caught my eye. I may be off-base on this but as you state above, the lack of hope is a "feeling" and you have figured out by now that feelings change; they ebb, they flow, they alter as time moves on.
As far as "safe" Is there really safety in in loving someone? Is there really any guarantees? The hardest part to healing sometimes is that someone has to risk giving up their safety to love unconditionally.
I'm not there every day to see the interactions but from what you've put on this board, what you have done has had an impact whether you see it or not. The OW is now an after-thought and a regret to your H. You H is being kind and considerate to you. Your H has acknowledge the changes in you.
You decide when its over. And that is by all means your choice. Just be sure of what you want. Loving someone is a risk. And you are absolutely at risk of having your heart-broken again if he does leave. But you also have the chance of reconciliation and that won't come without taking a risk. They just go together. Every great success was achieved because someone risked putting themselves out there.
You're a good woman and I have not doubt that whatever happens, you will not stay down!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces is right, only we know when we're done and what that looks like.
Here's where I am: I'm pretty happy with myself, I no longer feel like I MUST SAVE MY MARRIAGE! I'd like for my H to reconsider his position but if he doesn't, there's a big, wide world out there. So right now, I'm friendly, joking, cheerful but as I said in a previous post on my thread-time's a wastin'.
Any parallels with where you are? I think the biggest problem for me is getting rid of the I shoulds and just living my life.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm not sure what I want. I haven't felt like this in a while. I just wonder why I'm still doing this when he's adamant about leaving. Risking my heart seems like a mute point.
Bug, I see what you're saying. I haven't felt like I HAVE to save my marriage in a few months. Would I like to? I'd be lying if I said no. I was doing so good. Seems like every time I open my mouth, I'm the one that ends up feeling bad. I need to figure out why. At this point, nothing H says should really make a difference in what I'm doing. But it does, and I don't like it.
So sorry about your low last night, but sometimes we need to let out what's been bottled up inside. Sometimes we can control how we release it, and sometimes we can't.
Based on you threading waters for the past few months, I assume that you still want your H back, that you would work on forgiving him, and would want to work towards a new and better R. Your H still seems to struggle with shame and forgiveness. Did you at any point say that despite all that's happened that at some point he needs to forgive himself for what he's done, and he would need to forgive you for the "grief" you've caused him. And did you tell him (if that is how you feel) that you are working on forgiveness yourself, forgiving him for the choices he's made and yourself for the pain you caused him?
I could be completely off base, but I feel like your H is the type of person who would need affirmation - not saying that what he did was ok, but telling him that what's done is done, and that in order to move on one needs to forgive....whether he would move on with you or without you.
Based on you threading waters for the past few months, I assume that you still want your H back, that you would work on forgiving him, and would want to work towards a new and better R. Your H still seems to struggle with shame and forgiveness. Did you at any point say that despite all that's happened that at some point he needs to forgive himself for what he's done, and he would need to forgive you for the "grief" you've caused him. And did you tell him (if that is how you feel) that you are working on forgiveness yourself, forgiving him for the choices he's made and yourself for the pain you caused him?
No, we've never talked about him forgiving himself or me for that matter. It came up a little last night, but he wouldn't really talk about it. I told him last night that working to forgive him has been one of the hardest things, but I do, even though some days it's hard to do. I told him that I was sorry I had hurt him so bad that he felt like he had to walk away.
Originally Posted By: nhmom
I could be completely off base, but I feel like your H is the type of person who would need affirmation - not saying that what he did was ok, but telling him that what's done is done, and that in order to move on one needs to forgive....whether he would move on with you or without you.
I think you are right about the affirmation, but I'm not even sure where to start. I've been consistent in my changes, and he sees that. But how do I bring this up without having another night like last night? I told him I could see the hurt and pain in his eyes when I look at him. I know its not all because of me, but I do think he believes it starts with me.
Yes, those conversations are still so painful.. but I would guess that you will bounce back quicker now than before.
and you don't need to decide anything this moment. you can wait for the feelings to ebb to see where you are at..
it does sound like he must forgive himself if he can..
((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))
I'm not sure how well I'm bouncing back. I slept like 2 hours last night and feel sick to my stomach. I know I need to sit with everything for at least a couple of days.
Yes, see my post to Nhmom about him forgiving himself. Maybe he is waiting on some kind of affirmation from me? I'm just not sure what that would be.
