Bugsy! Lol!! Should I'll add all the negatives too! Would that be better? Like.. Worrying about whether people are going to like me.. If I look ok.. Lol!!!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
although the majority of my days are happier.. there are still moments of sadness? regret? i'm not sure...
there are days when i feel like the life i have today no longer fits who i am. this home.. the daily routines.. they are things that were created based on being married. there are occasions when i'm standing in my home and everything looks familiar..and yet i feel so far removed.
maybe i need to move to get the fresh start i need? but i'm not quite sure what i want. perhaps if H found a permanent place and moved his stuff.. i could begin to create new memories here? dinner parties? evenings w/ friends and a bottle of wine?? i'm trying so hard to find my place...
i had to see H yesterday to have him sign some insurance papers. i really felt fine. i even had him take S to have his hair cut while D and i went to the pet store etc. it was very much like what we use to do. afterwards.. i had H walked outside to the area where i had parked the car (not my usual area). H didn't help w/ the kids to the car but he stood around and made a phone. i didn't think anything of it. but even after he made the phone call, i was surprised to see him standing around watching me put the kids in the car and then drive away. he stood there to watch us leave (he use to do this a lot a home.. and wave goodbye to the kids).
that image of him standing there made my heart hurt. not because i wanted him.. but it was a reminder of the life that no longer exists. and in that moment i felt so sad... knowing we both had to move on.
there you go. i have made the decision that if H does not file by the beginning of next year.. then i will file the D papers myself. many days i am happier.. at peace.. but there are days where there is that underlying sadness that i wonder if it will ever go away...
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Hi BF - Isn't it strange how one minute, one day, one week, one month we feel like we are totally over it and then some memory, sound or smell triggers all the emotion we thought we had purged?
I think that at the end of the day, all of this is just a process. Good days, followed by bad ones. Eventually the good start to outnumber the bad and the next thing you know, you are living life again.
The underlying sadness you feel is something I think we all feel. I don't know if it ever really goes away or if it is simply replaced by some other emotion. Perhaps the sadness gets buried under new found happiness.
BF, I believe that love and happiness is yours for the taking. Just don't go looking for it. It will arrive when you least expect it. It is a lot like a pot of water waiting to boil. If you watch it, it will take forever.
Live your life.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I hope everything continues to go well for you. You sound so strong, grounded and at peace.
I understand your feelings of sadness and loss. Time and healing help transform some of our intense hurt and anger to that sadness. I feel it too sometimes.
I hope you come back soon to update us. I look forward to hearing all the fun things you have going on.
(((BF)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
thank you everyone who has supported me through some very tough times. i'm hoping to be able to pay it forward by lending support to others when i can.
for the time being.. if you care to follow my sitch.. i can be found over at surviving the big D
