Still Vera

[bustingout]

vera ((((( )))))

i think the dust bunnies would be a great housewarming gift


have a great weekend vera

[vera be fierce]

Haha, that's a great housewarming present idea, thanks ladies

[vera be fierce]

Have been looking over the list of house items to split up. STBX has indicated he wants a few things that I find as odd . . . small trinkets and a painting I did. He wants my original artwork? Um, I don't think so.

I've been putting a bunch of stuff I don't want on the dining room table so that he can box it up the next time he's here. It looks like a mess and I'm having guests over this week but I'll just ask them to avert their eyes.

[zig]

hi vera - yes definitely pack the dust bunnies

it's funny that you mentioned him wanting something you made. i think they want us to know they still think a lot of us and appreciate us, but are compelled to keep going on their way.

a similar thought popped into my mind - that h would want some of my art work and my instinct is to respond with hell no, if you don't want me, you can't have anything of mine. but then what am i saying, how am i reacting really?

out of anger? indifference? hurt?

just inspect the reasons for not wanting him to have it, before you decide. it's ok if you don't give it to him, of course - for what ever reason, but maybe just to be aware.

as for the dust bunnies - heck sweep them all up and hand them over - that's different!!

i can't imagine how this feels for you - you don't write very much so it seems as if you may be okay with it and resigned to it by now. but please know that we are here hugging you all the way, sweet vera, and i hope the path stays as smooth for you as it possibly can

how about one on the blanket eh - let's gather tonight
((((((( ))))))
zig

[vera be fierce]

Thank you for the kind words dear zig.

As for the art - I want it because I made it just as I was getting back into expressing myself through painting. It's a simple piece. I could theoretically recreate it but it just wouldn't be the same! I wouldn't dare ask for some small part of his large collection; I see it as the same (though I have no expectation that he would, given his recent history of flying off at discussions of what is "fair" etc.).

I'm feeling a little stressed recently. Worrying about the financial cost of keeping the house. I still haven't heard from him about what his settlement demand is, so there are still a lot of variables up in the air. But he's on vacation this week, so I'm sure he's not working toward it - but when he gets back it will all be my fault for dragging my feet on the house! (eyeroll).

I haven't been able to finish the reno project I was working on because we had some exterior work done in the house and there's a ton of stuff blocking my way in the room I need to finish. I also had to take a few sick days instead of working on the room. Hopefully that will get straightened out soon...

I am okay with what's going on but I'm not okay with how stbx is doing it (taking forever to do things out of naivety/head in the sand syndrome and then blaming/shaming me for dragging things out/making them complicated). When this is finalized I look forward to having him out of my life, period - with friends like this, who needs . . . . ?

I did send his parents a thank-you card for their support and whatnot over the time of our R. No response, but none was expected.

I'm still mulling over moving away from where I am now. It's probably not the right time, yet, as the limited support system I have is here and it doesn't seem right to leave that just yet. The places that I could move with my job are further away from family and in areas where I don't really have many close friends, if any.

[Brit45]

Just caught up and almost did a little cheer outloud when I read you saying that you'd stop expecting him to do anything from here on our! Good for you. I knew you would get there. Expectations whatever they are about are only ways to let yourself get hurt/disappointed etc. Wanting someone else to act in a certain way whatever that way is...is control. And then when they don't act the way we EXPECT them do we're upset, angry, rejected whatever.

I would only advise you not to dwell on his actions. All that studying him? Why? Study you. Decide the woman you want to be rather than looking at his negatives.

[needgrace]

hi dear vera,

i am sure it is tough to be in a state of uncertainty regarding the house, i remember that really scared me at first and even when i felt more sure how things would turn out, it was unsettling until it was finally agreed upon.

it is obviously a great time to be reading pema for all of us...

i think that may of the WAS/MLCers/aliens do the same thing.. alternate between doing everything in a big gigantic rush and not doing anything. i think it is avoidance and i think that it also fits with the pattern of not wanting to work on things and just run away instead.

but it also gives us an opportunity to look at ourselves and our patterns in how we respond and to figure out what we want to do instead and to actually do something different.

and thanks for all your support on my thread, vera.. you are so so sweet.
(((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))

[vera be fierce]

thanks Brit. I've found that the process of letting go of expectations is more like taking bricks out of a wall, one by one, rather than being able to knock over the whole wall in one go. every time i think i've done it, i find some other expectation to eliminate.

as much as it might sound like it here, i'm not really dwelling on his actions/inactions too much. i'm living my life but i'm stuck in a holding pattern while i wait for him to come forward with the settlement offer.

i'm still GAL (joined some new activities, cooking a lot, still keeping up with my gym routine). i'm still reading pema and picked up a new book that discusses breaking out of nasty/overly nice routines (i can't say too much about it, i'm only in chapter 4).

i really need a vacation. once i have a better idea of what's going on with the house and my finances, i can deal with that.

[bustingout]

letting go of expectations is more like taking bricks out of a wall, one by one, rather than being able to knock over the whole wall in one go. every time i think i've done it, i find some other expectation to eliminate.

Hi Vera, I really like this analogy. i think it describes detachment perfectly.

hope you are well (((((( )))))

[vera be fierce]

thanks, ng and busting. i have definitely had plenty of time to look inward.