He NEVER would have done that before. After BD, I found out just how many secrets he had. But lately, he's been an open book. He tells me things without me asking, when in fact, I rarely ask him anything, unless its related to my SS or the house. We still talk and hang out, but I don't really ask him questions about his life.
A friend remarked that my H isn't acting like someone who plans on leaving. I agreed, but said I can only go by what he's said and that is that he is in fact leaving. The friend asked if I think H is leaving because he can't forgive himself for what happened. I said that is probably true on some level, but there's nothing I can do about it. H has to work on his "stuff" just like I've worked on mine.
I haven't read all of your sitch, but these couple of points you made seem a bit parallel to my own so I thought I'd comment.
With regards to my W, I have been complaining for years about her not answering my calls, not texting me when plans change, basically not communicating with me. About a month ago she moved out, then moved back, and I've basically stopped asking her anything. I just let her come and go as she pleases, and I plan for the kids accordingly. Since then, she's always telling me what her day looks like, when she'll be home, she'll call when things change. It's kinda weird that in order to get what I wanted, I had to stop asking and complaining about it. Sounds like the same for you to a point so I say, keep doing what works.
With regards to the second point above, I don't know that I'd worry about it one way or the other. I'd just take it day by day, enjoy the good moments, try to fill them with laughter and fun. My W really never said she was moving back in, she just kinda started bringing stuff back. We've never discussed it. I just take it day by day and that seems to be working for both of us.
Some times I think H has changed his mind and really isn't going to leave. But...I know my reality is that he told me he was leaving and hasn't said otherwise. So that's what I need to believe is true.
You're forgetting one of the big tips in DB- don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does! It sounds to me like there are some very positive baby steps happening, but you're refusing to believe them! You should be celebrating the baby steps! You're husband coming to kiss you, that's a good baby step! It should have been one of your short-term goals, and if it was you can now check it off!
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
So after BD, he would still be on his electronics and of course I would say something occasionally, but it just got to be so stupid that I stopped paying it any attention for the most part. I was checking the phone logs online, but that got old too, so I just stopped.
Good. Don't forget tip 10:
10. Do not spy on spouse.
It won't help your frame of mind and if he finds out it's going to push him farther away.
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
"I'm writing down ideas about my music stuff to talk to friend X about. I just wanted you to know why I was over here doing all of this typing." I just said okay, because I didn't really care. LOL
Oh but you should, that's another baby step in the right direction!
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
A friend remarked that my H isn't acting like someone who plans on leaving. I agreed, but said I can only go by what he's said and that is that he is in fact leaving.
Even if he leaves that's not the end of it. If he does leave, think of it as his chance to have the space he needs to think things through. But frankly his actions don't match his words. He may be testing you to see if you're going to try to talk him out of it. Don't take the bait, just keep playing it cool and stay detached but available.
Thanks for checking in breakdown. I'm never sure anything is "working". I'm just living my life and trying to focus on me for a change. I think he senses a changing wind, but isn't sure what to make of it.
Had a bit of an emotional night last night. Yesterday was my grandmother's b-day. She passed away in 2003. I was extremely close to my grandmother, and I miss her terribly. Especially while going through all of this. I know she'd give me some well needed words of wisdom.
As if that wasn't enough, I woke up from a nap yesterday afternoon, and overheard H giving his best friend what sounded like relationship advice over the phone. My first thought was how is he giving anyone relationship advice when his own is in pieces? And then I got mad thinking the gall...like he's a relationship expert or something? PLEASE!
I did a 30 min workout to try to get my mind back in a good space, and it helped some. But then I watched Oprah's Lifeclass. The topic was Terrible Things Women Do to Each Other. Watching that brought up some old stuff along with some new stuff, so I ended up having a good cry. But it definitely left me in some kind of mood.
I think H could tell something was up, but he just left me alone, Thank God. Feeling a little better today. I hate that I let that insignificant thing derail me. Hasn't happened in a while. Need to figure out how to not let it happen again.
We're supposed to go see a movie tonight, and he's supposed to cook burgers for dinner.
Hang in there Ro. My W and I both had wonderful grandmothers, so I know how you feel. It's sad, but I can always imagine my GM telling me "Don't be moping about me, I had a good life. Now how about you get your head on straight and focus on what's important!" She might call me 4 different names before she said "BD" but she'd eventually get it
Hope you have a good week Ro. Don't let the slip in attitude take you down. Its part of being human. Recognize it, learn from it and move on. Just like you said, its a lot less frequent than it use to be but I can't imagine any of us will ever be fully free of a backslide once in a while.
What movie are you going to see?
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Hang in there Ro. My W and I both had wonderful grandmothers, so I know how you feel. It's sad, but I can always imagine my GM telling me "Don't be moping about me, I had a good life. Now how about you get your head on straight and focus on what's important!" She might call me 4 different names before she said "BD" but she'd eventually get it Enjoy the movie....and smile...it helps
LOL! My grandmother used to call my sis and I everybody else's name first. She'd get to us at like #5 or #6. LOL
Thanks for your post. My grandmother "Muh" would also say the same thing. It made me smile just thinking about it.
Originally Posted By: ces67
Hope you have a good week Ro. Don't let the slip in attitude take you down. Its part of being human. Recognize it, learn from it and move on. Just like you said, its a lot less frequent than it use to be but I can't imagine any of us will ever be fully free of a backslide once in a while.
What movie are you going to see?
Thanks for checking in ces. You know I have a problem being a regular person. I put way too much pressure on myself to be happy and all that, when in fact, I wasn't most of the time. I'm learning it's okay to be sad sometimes. Just sit with it, figure out why, and move on.
Originally Posted By: labug
Did you share how you were feeling with H?
Ha! You know me too well. Of course I didn't say a word. Just sat with my sadness by myself. I almost went to him once but told myself I didn't want his "fake" pity or hugs. Yeah, I know. Sunday was a BAD day. Thinking back on it, I wish I had though. I keep so much to myself. That is one of his issues with me (although, he does the same thing). It's getting old carrying all this stuff around. I've let go of some, but not all. Just means, there's still work to do.
Btw, we both ended up taking naps, so we missed the movie, and we didn't see anyting OnDemand that we liked. But...I found 4 movie tickets I had misplaced this morning, so now we can go see 2 free movies. So that worked out!
Hang in there Ro. My W and I both had wonderful grandmothers, so I know how you feel. It's sad, but I can always imagine my GM telling me "Don't be moping about me, I had a good life. Now how about you get your head on straight and focus on what's important!" She might call me 4 different names before she said "BD" but she'd eventually get it Enjoy the movie....and smile...it helps
LOL! My grandmother used to call my sis and I everybody else's name first. She'd get to us at like #5 or #6. LOL
Thanks for your post. My grandmother "Muh" would also say the same thing. It made me smile just thinking about it.
Originally Posted By: ces67
Hope you have a good week Ro. Don't let the slip in attitude take you down. Its part of being human. Recognize it, learn from it and move on. Just like you said, its a lot less frequent than it use to be but I can't imagine any of us will ever be fully free of a backslide once in a while.
What movie are you going to see?
Thanks for checking in ces. You know I have a problem being a regular person. I put way too much pressure on myself to be happy and all that, when in fact, I wasn't most of the time. I'm learning it's okay to be sad sometimes. Just sit with it, figure out why, and move on.
Originally Posted By: labug
Did you share how you were feeling with H?
Ha! You know me too well. Of course I didn't say a word. Just sat with my sadness by myself. I almost went to him once but told myself I didn't want his "fake" pity or hugs. Yeah, I know. Sunday was a BAD day. Thinking back on it, I wish I had though. I keep so much to myself. That is one of his issues with me (although, he does the same thing). It's getting old carrying all this stuff around. I've let go of some, but not all. Just means, there's still work to do.
Btw, we both ended up taking naps, so we missed the movie, and we didn't see anyting OnDemand that we liked. But...I found 4 movie tickets I had misplaced this morning, so now we can go see 2 free movies. So that worked out!
Also, my car got side-swiped on Friday night. I had an appointment with the insurance adjuster this morning. H went with me and handled most of it. Normally, I would have done most of the talking and giving of information. Today I chose to step back and let him lead. He also had to move a bunch of stuff out of my trunk to his car so that the body shop could take a further look at the damage.
I know he didn't have to do any of that given our situation, and I would like to do something to say thank you to him. This is something I used to do all the time when we first started dating...showing appreciation. Regardless of the state of our sitch, I'd like to start doing that again. I know I can't do but so much, otherwise it'll probably send him running for the castle, but I'd like to do something.
Maybe grab his favorite dessert on the way home? Suggestions?
