Breakdown, Great job on being specific with your apologies. I heard one time that if we continue to ask for forgiveness for the same thing over and over then we're either not forgiving ourselves, or don't believe that the other has forgiven. If you've offered sincere apologies for things from the past move on and leave them there.
Thanks Carnac. I agree, but I also feel like the specificity is really helping my W in her healing process. I'm not repeating myself, and I've tried to apologize in broad strokes rather than specific instances so I'm covering many errors in one note. So much so that I'm just about finished...I might be able to pull a couple more out with some thought, but I'm really close to sitting her down and asking for forgiveness and putting it all behind us.
Frankly, even if she doesn't forgive me, I'm ready to put it all behind me....I forgave myself for my mistakes a while back and I'm not interested in beating that horse any longer.
Well, happened faster than I thought, but kinda how I thought....at first defensive, then aggressive, attacking me for all my faults throughout the marriage, dismissing anything good. I actually thought she was going to drop the bomb again, but she refrained, which I guess is good. She did say I could go give all my "goodness" to someone new and younger and one point, and I managed to jump in there somewhere and say "you're always my first choice."
In the end, I did tell her I was sorry for some specifics early in the marriage, and that she was right about a lot of things early on. But I also feel like we've changed places and a lot of what she's done in the last few years has been destructive and as far as OM went, I would not be in a marriage where he was part of it. She explained the "I love you" comment again (it's just because he has so low self esteem....yeah, me too, give me some! /rant) but I said it didn't matter, it was unacceptable and the relationship is continually damaging to our M.
I told her I knew it couldn't happen overnight due to the deals they are still in, but I couldn't go forward with him involved. I also reiterated that I really wasn't trying to control or manipulate, but rather, setting a boundary for what I thought was acceptable in our marriage. I reminded her that it was the only thing I was asking for...there are no other requirements. It is also her decision completely, and I was ok if she chose to leave the marriage instead.
There was a lot of attacking on her part and a few times I really got my feelings hurt. I let her drag me into arguments a few times, but I was calm 95% of the time. I saw some of the old arguments in a different light, so that was interesting, and I discussed it.
I'm glad it's over....and I'm glad I said it. I was walking on eggshells the last few days and I had told myself I wouldn't do that. Pretty productive discussion all in all....we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Good for you Breakdown I konw that was tough and im sure scary as heck but now you've said what you needed to and put the ball in her court as long as your ok with either outcome its exactly what had to be done. Someday everyone ends up at that juncture I think and they have to decide what they will and won't accept. My sitch is different in that I don't really know if there's an OM or not, and while im willing to stand an awful long time for my marriage I know that there will come a day (a long time from now) when i'll tell her to either get in or out one or the other. Right now there's no movement either way and that kind of suits me currently, but it can't be that way indefinetly.
Im still feel like someday we'll be able to work this out, but until that happens i'd much rather have no movement than away movement.
Thanks Carnac. I didn't really give her the ultimatum "get in or get out" as much as I said "there is no option forward with OM in it." I told her she could have as much time as she needed to work thru things, to figure out what she wanted, etc. There's a end date to that as well, but I don't know when it is yet.
What I do know is that I'm fine whether she leaves or not, I will continue learning about myself, improving myself, being a better dad and a better partner. I feel really good today, and honestly, W was in a pretty good mood this morning too. She even mentioned a vacation...good thing I don't worry about what's she's thinking, because I'd be confused as hell otherwise lol
I didnt mean to sound like you gave her an ultimatum, I just meant that you made your feelings clear. I only mentioned giving mine an ultimatum b/c I know eventually i'll have to if nothing changes, but im with you on this one, I dont know the date of that yet, but its a long way off.
And its awesome to hear that your going to be fine either way, I really wanna say that, but in my heart I just have such a hard time with it still. Even on my good days, and today is one of those for sure, I miss my wife terribly and while I know that feeling will fade I can't even imagine seeing her with someone else. I read somewhere onetime one of the ways to figure out if your ready to be done with a R is to imagine that person with someone else and see how it affects you. Honestly I can hardly bear the thought of it, and its not a 'i have to win' thing...its a we have almost 15 years of history and im absolutely crazy about her thing.
Anyway, wasn't trying to be a downer today, its a wonderful Wednesday and no matter this sitch there is plenty in life to be happy about, we've just gotta focus on that rather than the other.
Hang in there buddy...it gets easier. I'm in a really good place in my head, but some days are still hard.
Last night was my biggest test....when I said "I'm ok if you leave," I really meant it. Not because I didn't want my M to work....I want that more than anything...but because I knew that I had to stand up for the kind of M I wanted.
I hear you. Im getting closer to ok with the thought of it, just haven't quite got there in my mind yet. I know its a process and I know that part of that process is just letting enough time go by. I may go back through some stages, but I'm moving forward each day and know its simply the road I have to travel.
Im truly in a good place at least today, just gotta try to keep the good feelings going.
I need to slow down for a few days...I'm friggin tired.
Sat - 5k race Sun - concert with S17 Mon - movie night with kids Tue - talk with W about OM Wed - golf league Thu - gonna veg!! Fri - Lorax with kids Sat - possible trip to my Dad's
We golfed with a couple of older gentlemen last night and the one reminded me of my grandpa with the way he talked. I felt so comfortable and laughed so much. It was an awful lot of fun.
W wakes me this am and initiates ML and then hugged me before she left for work. She even made coffee! Wow, where has this woman been!? I hope she sticks around
Before I forget, I wanted to share one of the texts I sent to my W regarding the apologies I've been doing:
"I'm sorry I didn't understand or address my insecurities sooner, and I'm sorry how I let it affect you and our relationship."
It is something I've been working on, and I am truly sorry for it. But at the same time, it isn't specific enough to make me worry about her using it in court should we go our separate ways. And really, addressing the specific instances where it caused problems is less meaningful to me, because I wouldn't be addressing the true problem.
Man thats one busy week. I thought my life was hectic....sounds like your had a great morning and I think your text is fantastic. I have been contemplating an email to my W, not ready to send it just yet, but sooner or later I will and im there with you about the vagueness.....its unfortunate but it has to be that way b/c there's no way Im putting specific enough things in there that she might try to use against me if we ever end up in court.
I really like your text and will keep that one in the back of my mind b/c thats really one of the largest drivers of our problems.
